The Expendables 2 (2012)

Wonderful Movie

One of my all time favorites.

hyped garbage

An Exercise In Nonsense

To me The Expendables franchise is a pretencious vanity project.Yeah sure I get it, all the most famous action stars thrown together for old school action. I understand the appeal, I just don't like it.Now despite what my profiles analytics say I don't really like action movies, they're not my thing unless they have a lot of other themed content (Action/horror etc). Sure I respect the old school original action films, they had a certain novelty charm to them but here it comes across as recycled as much as it does a homage.Considering the list of famous names the action isn't as explosive as you'd imagine and the fight scenes are really quite lame. How can you have Stallone/Arnie/Willis and not have the best action? How can you have Van Damme/Norris/Jet Li and not have great fight scenes? It's like they decided they didn't need to make the effort because they had the cast, well you did.The Expendables 2 is on par with the first movie, namely brainless action with a generic cliched storyline and nothing even remotely original.It's like they took all these stars, threw them into a paint by numbers action flick and assumed it would work. Oh wait, it did. The franchise has been very successful. I'm sure it's nostalgic for the old and new and exciting for the young.Well it doesn't appeal to me. Call me weird but I want more than gun fights, explosions and fist fights. I want story, I want substance, I want originality.The Good:Old school actionFew neat action movie referencesThe Bad:Statham still can't act for crapSome of the cgi is ropey, really shouldn't have been any anywayMindlessThings I Learnt From This Movie:Charisma Carpenter is improving with ageReal heroes open fire with high impact automatic weapons even when innocents are in the same direction

Pow bang wallop slap still don't want to talk kerpow boom splash sizzle zowee ping rat tat tat tat woosh splash ping ping ricochet bang bang Aah Uh Oooh bang ca-ching clatter clatter - dig your own Trench crack wizz groan hiss revving splatter thud thump wail punch fire zap zoom gurgle wiz splattered Billy cut entrails blood spray snort smacked shriek screech smash chop bang ping bang boom bang woosh aaahh what about the women bish bash ego phew ping ping ping rat a tat tat tat rat a tat tat aaaaah Eeeeek you maggot booooom kerpow sizzle tit tat tit tat slice and dice drip gasp BANG BANG slurp slurp you really should learn how to fight. The End.

First off, Van Damme is the consummate douchebag! Chuck Norris can't act to save his ass! Being in an infomercial with Brinkley is proof of that. The jokes are corny, acting is cheesy and the explosions are standard fare. It's the PERFECT movie to 1) Smoke some weed in front of 2) Screw someone in front of 3) Smoke some weed and screw someone in front ofAdd in Wuce Brillis and his shiny head.... damn.... did I just do heroin?As always, Jet Li is fun to watch because his boyish look and voice make it even more charming, his small stature makes him interesting and really, watching martial arts is like watching Dance Fever at 78 speed anyway! How can you not love the choreography? It would make Nina from Black Swan jealous! The BEST thing about these Expendables films is when I watch them with a female by my side, she is NEVER distracted by the action on screen whilst giving me head, so they have their place.If Jesus comes back and sees these, he's gonna say "Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do".

Always bet on Dolph!No matter where you sit on the plane, get a seat by him because you just know if that plane gets hijacked by plain hijackers then he will be the one to take them out, one-by-one, all at the same time.Just about the time the drink cart rolled by my seat and I ordered some drinks for me and the panda bear I was smuggling from Ancient China the part of this movie where Jean Claude Valjean shows up showed up and it was the Greatest Moment Ever, including the moment that happened later, when I ordered another drink, coke this time, and then the movie was over and there was this black screen with the names of all the people who made it and were in it, and guess what? Dolph was in the movie! The second time...XL/XS