Beowulf (2007)

So much average

Simply Perfect

Just perfect...

There's no way I can possibly love it entirely but I just think its ridiculously bad, but enjoyable at the same time.

They told a completely different tale misusing the title and character names of Beowulf. Aside from that, the story was awful in every way, which would take too long to detail. This film should not have been made.

While the Polar Express has become an Xmas classic in the past 12 years Zemeckis' follow-up has sort of taken a backseat (and his return to live action has been met with constant disappointment). It's a shame because Beowulf is a visually stunning film with a dark, brooding atmosphere. It may not be Xmas-y but it sure is winter-y and perfect viewing for this time of year.Based on the ancient epic poem (among the very earliest "English" literature) the story sees famous hero Beowulf arrive in Denmark to defeat Grendel, a horrific monster who has been terrorizing the locals. Beowulf likes to exaggerate his life and some are suspicious of him but when he lures Grendel into a confrontation his reputation is validated and he quickly becomes the reigning monarch. Many decades later Grendel's mother reveals a shocking secret and threatens Beowulf's kingdom with total destruction.This is not the family-friendly viewing of the Pole Ex. Beowulf is brutal, bloody, very gory, and sometimes hard to watch. Grendel is one of the most gruesome, ugliest monsters ever to appear in a movie but Crispin Glover's typically eccentric performance (after settling a years-long feud with Zemeckis over BTTF 2) is harrowing and sympathetic. He may be a merciless killer but it's very hard not to feel sorry for him. Themes of surrendering to wicked temptation, regret, and mortality continue to resonate to this day. In fact, I honestly cannot think of any other work of fiction that has had as much influence on literature, history, and even popular culture (other than the Bible) as the ancient poem by Anonymous.Alan Silvestri's score is, as usual, highly involving and emotional lending a huge weight to the cold, lonely feel of the movie. Ray Winstone is the perfect actor to bring a voice to the character mixing cockney charm, bravado, honor, and secret shame to what might otherwise be a hollow CGI creation.Please do not write this movie off. It seems like it still struggling to find an audience despite being one of my favorite of Zemeckis' career.

A lot of things have been said about Beowulf that are entirely undeserved. Amazing, a masterpiece, the best movie of the year... Beowulf is none of these things. When this movie came out, it was recommended to me that i avoid it, because it was not worth the money. I should have listened. They should have also explained, that it was not worth the time. Allow me to explain. I am aware that this film is entirely CG. It was made clear to me within seconds of it. The poorly textured skin, the bad motion capture, the poor fluid dynamics, everything about this film stuck out like a sore thumb. Perhaps i noticed more because visual effects is what i do for a living, but even with that, no other film i have EVER watched (and i am not exaggerating) has EVER given me a worse case of filmmakers sickness. Many movies i have watched where the CG is noticeable, but its never brought me out of the story to this extent where i can't even pay attention to anything else. And don't get me wrong, i was still about to excuse it, hoping i would look it up and find a 10 million dollar budget, or perhaps less. But no, this movie cost a whopping 130 million. All of which was pîssed carelessly down the drain.The creators say it was a CG masterpiece. It was not. I've seen students that make better work for their first character design portfolio. They could have bothered to use normal maps or bump maps to create a more realistic skin textures, especially considering the amount of skin shown. They didn't. They supposedly used next gen motion capture. I was surprised to find they even used it at all. They could have done better with a decent animator and some blend shapes. With that kind of budget they should have used Realflow, with simulated fluid dynamics instead of the cheap wave displacements that don't even interact with the characters in the water. they didn't even use a Fresnel shader on the water, it was so freaking amateur. the only decent work was done in the design of Grendel and the sea monsters, and that was in imagination, rather than detail. None of the characters had life to them, the recoil of limbs, a sense of tissue, recoil, anticipation. The animators straight up didn't know the 12 basic principles of animation. Lets remember, this is 2007. We can't bash something that was done 7 years ago can we? Yes, we can. The incredible hulk came out a year later with only 30 million more of a budget, and a hyper realism that put this movie to shame, like child's play. Assassins creed II came out just 2 years later with considerably MORE CG elements, 3 cities worth including a variety of landscapes and only a 30 million budget, less than a 4th of what this movie cost, and rendered it with a considerable amount of detail, reflections and depth of field IN REAL TIME that came close to what this movie accomplished with offline render farms, of a major studio. Just recently watchdogs was released, with a budget of 68 million and graphics that pretty much beat Beowulf to a pulp, also in real time. And lets remember, these are video games we are talking about. They have poly counts to worry about, and part of that budget went to programmers, and level designers, there is absolutely NO excuse why Beowulf should have created the garbage it did with the budget it had, and the 4 or so locations it even dealt with. What, you can't even hire a dynamics expert? You're really going to burst a frigging piece of wood into a mist of stock footage splinters rather than the more realistic approach, 3D prefracturing and hard body sims? I could do that with just 100$ and the action essentials pack and it still would look better. You're frigging kidding me here.I could go on all day about the graphics, terrible blood hits, that weird gold coating Angelina Jolie--Angelina Jolie? Seriously?--but you know what, lets address what else is wrong with the film. For one, they completely ruined a classic short story. The dialog is so corny. The characters are all f*cked in the head, and they're not even good caricatures of scumbags, they're just plain unbelievable. And when i say unbelievable i mean those characters could not and would not exist under any circumstances and if they did exist and you put them into a room together they would not behave as such. One moment the dude is kicking his slave the next he is talking about honor and glory? Or the drunken king who's clothes basically fall off and then the next minute he's a fighter and a hero and then the next he's a poor man begging for help? I mean make up your mind goddåmn it. And the worst part is, in the story he's nothing like that. Beowulf doesn't f*ck Grendels mother either. And she's not pretty. And Grendel isn't a whiny little bîtch. And i'm not sure he even speaks. And there's this whole part they left out about ever hero trying and failing, and this epic battle as Grendel's mother drags Beowulf down under the lake that i was really hoping to see, instead the dude just basically jumped in the water and then hopped out in the underground cavern all Mario like, like he doesn't even need to grab ahold of something and pull himself out, he can just swim jump. Its f*cking stupid man. I hate you people. Next time the producers have millions of dollars to pîss away, give it to me. Or maybe flush it down the toilet. The toilet would find a better use for it.

Adventure legend movies in days of yore had swashbuckling heroes based on famous legends who were reworked as magnificent, brave, honorable heroes whose deeds inspired us all. The reworkings did NOT follow the legend. This is true of this remake of the Beowulf legend which tells, in middle English, of the Danish heritage today seen primarily in northern England and in East Anglia. This movie seems inspired by the old Ray Harryhausen legend rework movies as it remakes the story of Beowulf with marvelous state of the art special effects and an all too brief appearance of Angelina Jolie as a meld of many ancient pagan moon and water and earth goddesses. It will not please those who want to find out the real middle English legend or those who do not believe these old legends have any more a place in this culture. Otherwise, a good adventure movie perhaps without a target age group in mind.