Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

The best films of this genre always show a path and provide a takeaway for being a better person.

This film is so real. It treats its characters with so much care and sensitivity.

The movie's not perfect, but it sticks the landing of its message. It was engaging - thrilling at times - and I personally thought it was a great time.

Okay, yes, I started with a bad pun, but there is really nothing memorable about this movie, at all. When you consider the level of talent involved in the creation of this movie, it should almost be an embarrassment that it ended up so painfully mediocre. Many would tell you that this is the unofficial "Creepshow 3". The plans to create a Creepshow television series eventually resulted in TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, a second rate TALES FROM THE CRYPT clone. The movie spin off of the series that started as CREEPSHOW and features many of the same people behind the legendary 80s portmanteau resulted in this movie. I am a big of the original CREEPSHOW and this movie doesn't hold a candle to it. Then again, it's not much below the quality of CREEPSHOW 2 which I loved as a kid, but cringe a little now when I revisit and realize how poor some of that movie is, as well.Like most horror anthologies, we have a wraparound story, here the singer from Blondie overacts in the role of a witch preparing a feast, which is supposed to be Joey's Lawrence's little brother, who is so annoying in the role you wish they would eat him. The setup is that blondie has given the kid a book to occupy his time and he convinces her to allow him the time to read a few sections to her, in an effort to buy himself time. For the most part, all of these stories follow the same blueprint that has been done over and over in EC Comics, Amicus films, CREEPSHOW and TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Introduce a plot, give us 10 minutes of horror, then pull the rug out from under the audience with a twist ending that usually features some visual pun. When the formula works, it usually works well and allows directors success with the timeframe. More often than not, though, it results in halfway formulated ideas, corny plots and ludicrous ideas, which is essentially what we have here.The first segment, LOT 249, is a revenge story featuring a mummy. Steve Buscemi has been robbed of some academic award or other when he's cheated by a rich kid at school. Buscemi, also, happens to be a seller of antiquities and his latest acquisition is a mummy. With a scroll, he brings the corpse to live and uses it to enact his revenge. The story features Christian Slater and Julianne Moore and could have been the most terrifying of the lot, except that it can't help but devolve into cheesiness, with bad jokes and Slater hacking the thing apart with an electric meat cleaver.The second segment is just plain stupid. THE CAT FROM HELL is about a pharmaceutical giant being tortured by a cat, who's apparently been sent on a mission of retribution to right the wrongs of abuse done by the company as it tested its' drugs on cats through the years. The cat has killed the man's wife and friends and he knows his time is next, so let's hire Buster Poindexter, as a hit-man, to off the beast. We get boring recollections of the cat's previous murders, many of which feature ridiculous special effects, the kind where an actor holds a badly designed stuffed cat on their face and wiggles it around to simulate a cat attacking them. Then, the assassin is left on his own, in an old dark house, to kill the cat, which only leads to all too predictable results.The final segment, LOVER'S VOW, seems to be most reviewers favorite, but it's really not much better. An artist has just found out he's pretty much broke and drinks his sorrows away. Upon leaving the bar with his friend, they are attacked by a gargoyle that looks as if it was designed by high school students, on a public access channel budget. It's bad, especially when I consider the level of regard that I have for KNB Effects. The gargoyle spares him so long as he promises never to tell anyone what he saw. He immediately meets Rae Dawn Chong, they fall in love, his life gets better, they have kids. If you don't see the end of this one coming a mile away, then you are either stupid, or not paying attention.Then we get the resolution of our wraparound, which sees two people who can't act, playing out a ridiculous situation that crosses that line from being a bad attempt at humor to being insulting to my intelligence.I am coming off a little harsh, but the movie is not good, at all, and really deserves no more praise than this. There are plenty of other good horror movies around. Go watch one of those instead.

In a seemingly normal upper middle class suburban home, Betty (Debbie Harry) is revealed to be a witch holding Timmy (Matthew Lawrence) prisoner. She's preparing to cook him for her dinner party. He tells her three stories from "Tales from the Darkside" to hold off the inevitable. In the first tale, Andy (Christian Slater) is a friend to the underhanded arrogant rich college guy Lee. Lee is using Andy's sister Susan (Julianne Moore) to do his work and steal a scholarship from Edward Bellingham (Steve Buscemi). Edward has purchased Lot 249 which is a mummy he's looking to resell. A hidden parchment helps him take revenge. The first part is solid. The horror could be done scarier and more gruesome. It does have Slater going against Buscemi. It's solid work.The second story is less compelling. It's a story told by Timmy about an old guy who tells stories. The best thing about the second story is William Hickey but that's about it. A cat is not scary (at least not here) and it's flat. It tries to be funny and fails. The third tale is a great short story. As a cinematic endeavor, it suffers from a flat middle. James Remar plays an artist who is forced to keep quiet about his encounter with a gargoyle. The gargoyle animatronics is not the best. It looks fake which keeps it from being scary. The surprise twist is great but the story needs more tension in the middle. In total, the movie is an up and down affair.

Another awesome anthology of horror segments. Fans of Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt should love this one.First segment, you have Christian Slater living a pretty sweet and pretentious life, filled with Tennis sets and Cardigans. He stumbles upon Steve Buscemi's mad scientist performance and discovers that the man has a mummy enclosed in his study. The mummy breaks out, causes havoc and ultimately dismisses of anyone near it. Pretty creepy story and the ending is pretty eerie and funny at the same time. Loved it.Second segment, you have William Hickey being creepy as ever (or as always) who hires a professional hit-man to dispose of his cat, after explaining that the cat is a demon feline from hell, sent to avenge the cats that his company has tortured via experiments throughout the years. Very visually gripping and pretty terrifying as a premise, considering I really despise cats. (Seriously, they make me hostile)Third segment, James Remar is cast as a struggling artist, who after one night of drinking, encounters a murderous creature that instead of killing him, makes him swear to never acknowledge of its existence to anyone EVER. He agrees to do so, but years and years of guilt over the circumstances of that night, he reveals it to his wife with surprising results.This is what Creepshow 3 should've been but unfortunately, that title was reserved for a piece of pure crap that was made in 2006. The movie is mildly funny at times but that is to be expected in horror flicks. Acting is pretty good and convincing. The movie's lighting wasn't apparently in the budget because in a lot of night time scenes, the atmosphere is pretty dark and grainy, but then again, that may have been the intention to sell the piece as a serious effort. This one is one to watch alone, with some popcorn and the lights on, because believe me, it'll keep you on edge. A true 90s horror classic.

Horror anthology movie spun-off from the Tales from the Darkside TV series. It features three stories plus a bookend piece. The first story is "Lot 249" about a nerd (Steve Buscemi) who is cheated out of a scholarship by an evil girl and her boyfriend (Julianne Moore, Robert Sedgwick ). He seeks revenge by using an ancient scroll to send a mummy after them. Christian Slater plays Moore's brother and is an inconsistently written character. Buscemi is enjoyable though and it's nice to see an old-school mummy.The second story is "Cat from Hell" about an elderly millionaire (Wiliam Hickey) who hires a hit-man (Buster Poindexter) to kill a cat. This is the weakest story of the bunch. Hickey and Poindexter are fine but it's kind of obnoxiously dark and I didn't really care what happened to anybody, including the cat. The third story is "Lover's Vow," about an artist (James Remar) whose life is spared by a gargoyle as long as he never reveals he saw the monster. He falls in love with a woman (Rae Dawn Chong) and after many years together the temptation to share his secret becomes too great. This story pretty much rips off the "Woman of the Snow" story from the superior horror anthology film Kwaidan (1964) but is still well done and probably the best story in the movie.The bookend linking story is a take-off on Hansel & Gretel, with a witch (Debbie Harry) preparing to cook a little boy (Matthew Lawrence). To stall for time, the boy tells her stories from his favorite book, which leads into the three other tales. This is an amusing and enjoyable part of the film, though nothing exceptional. Overall, it's a surprisingly enjoyable film, helped in large part by a good cast. The stories aren't particularly strong, but somehow it manages to keep you entertained. The acting, directing, and special effects are pretty good and make up for the writing as much as they can.