Scary Movie 5 (2013)

Yawn. Poorly Filmed Snooze Fest.

Too much of everything

Such a frustrating disappointment

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if we never get parody films being produced ever again after this. Holy. Mama. Flipping. Spoof. Balls. What a monstrosity. I can't believe I endured it. I've done it guys! I actually watched the whole thing in one sitting. I've evolved as a film critic, and I didn't press B to cancel. Throw anything at me, I'll watch it. Unstoppable. Uncontrollable. Un-flipping-believable. I am...that guy. A family adopt two feral girls and move into a house that is haunted by a mothering ghost. 'Mama' plus 'Paranormal Activity' divided by 'Cabin in the Woods' multiplied by 'Inception' and halved by 'Fifty Shades of Grey' equals one of the worst films I've ever seen. It's not even bad good...it's just plain bad. It started off well with a self-referential scene including Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and then it declined to nothingness. I didn't laugh once, heck I didn't even smile. The jokes were horrendous and seemed like they could only appeal to a three year old. Honestly. There were more jokes orientated towards bums then actually anything witty...in fact, there was no wit. It was aimless. Dumb. When was sticking an object up your ass and smelling it funny? When was spontaneously combusting babies humorous? I just can't even comprehend the thought process of this! The lack Anna Faris and Regina Hall was noticeable and was a huge detriment to this fifth instalment. Ashley Tisdale? Really!? Shouldn't she be singing next to a swimming pool in 'High School Musical 2'? Heck, I don't want her on my screen! Snoop Dogg? Usher!? They really were clutching at straws here, sweet lord! I saw better acting in the porn video I watched this morning, and there was no talking in that! Christ! This genre is done. This film has resulted in the decimation of parodies. It's outdated. It's stupid. It's absurdly unfunny. It's just wrong. Scary Movie V is, without a doubt, atrocious. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chill in the sun with a fresh cold cider and rethink my life...

Look, I'm not going to sit here and try to explain and justify my enjoyment of the first four entries in the long-running "Scary Movie" series. It's trash in every capacity, plain and simple. Cynical, trendy trash that only seeks to quickly capitalize on whatever is new or hip with filmgoing crowds through only the most base and lowest-common of denominators. Not a single film in the franchise could be called "art." And yet... I get a kick out of them. Particularly the second and third films, which were actually very amusing. They may be trash, but they're fun trash. Enjoyable trash. Entertaining trash. Trash with a charming cast and just enough chuckles to make them worth a go on a slow, rainy day at home. Yeah, you'll feel your IQ dropping during some of the stupider moments of those previous films, but they were never so bad as to be offensive or outright dismissed. Then there's "Scary Movie 5." ...whelp, this series was fun while it lasted, I guess.I'll level with you. This is one of those very rare occasions where even trying to force myself to watch a movie in order to be able to write a fair and balanced IMDb review, I just couldn't. I honestly was unable to. I had to start skimming through because the film was making me angry. Furious even. How could a series that was honestly never more than just silly, broad parody fall so hard, so quickly? It's shocking just how aggressively unfunny and tedious a film this is. Even by the midway point of the opening scene- a brutally prolonged "Paranormal Activity" parody involving Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan trying to make a sex tape- the humor had been completely sapped and it was running on fumes.And this downward spiral only continued with each passing scene, every awkwardly contrived pop-culture reference and all the nonsensical attempts at lampooning then-recent releases. Essentially a melding of "Mama", "Paranormal Activity", the rebooted "Planet of the Apes" series and "Black Swan" with a smattering of plot elements from other major films, the storyline is a fundamental mess, with only the most tenuous of connections to string together the constant barrage of shockingly dead on arrival humor. Yes, you could argue that the fourth film's combination of "Saw", "The Grudge" and "War of the Worlds" was messy and contrived... but at least it tried. This one can't even muster up the energy to do that.Story goes that the production was a bit of a mess, with upwards of half the film being hastily re-written, re-shot and re-edited during last minute pick-ups barely two months before release without the participation of original (and solely credited) director Malcolm D. Lee. And it shows. Badly. Even giving it the biggest cut of slack I can, it feels like a mish-mash of several different visions and just stinks of a perplexing combination of apathy and desperation. I have a feeling you can tell which scenes were re-shot and which were in the original version as the tone and feeling will radically change from scene to scene. Some scenes feel like soulless attempts at patching together jokes whereas others feel like everyone was trying... way too hard. And as a result, it comes off disjointed and honestly just uncomfortable to watch.Even the return of Simon Rex in a starring role after his turn as a supporting character in the previous two films (albeit as a new character here) can't save this trainwreck... and I'm one of the people who actually really enjoyed his work in those films as the lovable goofball. Then again, he's the only returning co-star of any previous films, with series leads Anna Faris and Regina Hall- the two beating hearts of the entire series- having long since jumped ship. So I don't know what I expected. If the franchise film can't even attract the attention of its own lead cast members and instead has to upgrade a smaller supporting cast member to be the new star, it's usually not the best of signs.While it may not be quite as condescending and grating as, say... a "Seltzerberg"-level parody, there's just no salvaging any laughs here. It's a confused, contrived, unfunny and even uncomfortable experience trying to watch "Scary Movie 5", and try as I might... I couldn't do it. It's up there with "Going Overboard" and "Fat Slags: The Movie" as one of the most inherently unwatchable comedies I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.I really have no other choice but to give "Scary Movie 5" a tragic 1 out of 10. It's a shame.

The principal Achilles heel of Scary Movie 5 is the absence of Anna Faris, that girl and her smile enliven the comedies, Faris is a fantastic actress. Without Faris the saga Scary Movie wouldn't be the same. In this fifth part, the actuation of Ashley Tisdale is detestable, so horrible that this actress deserves a Razzie prize. I agree all the films of the saga are absurd, but this last chapter hasn't good jokes. Just as well I didn't watched this turkey in the cinema. For me is the most disappointing movie of the saga. The best: The cameo of Lindsay Lohan and the movie end. The worst: Nearly all.

Scary Movie 5 (2013): Dir: Malcolm D. Lee / Cast: Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Lidia Porto, Erica Ash, Molly Shannon: About on par with the previous two sequels. That is to say that it is nowhere near as good as Scary Movie but certainly better than the relentlessly bad Scary Movie 2. This one stars Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex as a couple put in charge of three children. These children behave like animals in a reference to Mama. Tisdale desires a return to ballet in a Black Swan reference. Rex works at a lab that examines the intelligence of apes in a reference to Rise of the Planet of the Apes. As with previous sequels there is nice touches to the story including a great opening involving Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in a jab at Paranormal Activity. Other films referenced here are Insidious, Inception, and the repeatedly verbally referenced Cabin in the Woods. Tisdale and Rex pull through with all sorts of strange night terrors happening. Tisdale even dons the hideous black wig that Jessica Chastain wore in Mama thus indicating how idiotic she appeared. Rex is involved in several home improvement accidents before he enlists the help of one of the apes to watch the children. The stealing performance is Lidia Porto as Maria the nanny with religious rituals that go into overload. Molly Shannon pulls a mean Winona Ryder in her take on Black Swan and being ticked off. Other roles span from amusing to merely reciting better films. Director Malcolm D. Lee presents the visual jokes but a misfire film. At any rate it proves I am right in claiming that Mama is one of the worst films of the year. Score: 5 ½ / 10