Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Very Cool!!!

To me, this movie is perfection.

Better Late Then Never

Pretty good movie overall. First half was nothing special but it got better as it went along.

This was bad. Real bad. I always wondered why I found so many copies of it strewn across the shelves in charity shops, but now I know why. The movie, unwanted by pretty much everyone who bought a copy, has nothing on the promising title. It's a flop from the start. Corden and his friend, who's name I didn't bother to even research, were unlikable and irritating protagonists, on their quest to get with some girls. But boy, such a shame all these girls in this here town are lesbian vampires! (Hold for raucous laughter and applause). Basically, they meet some chicks that rattle off a ton of exposition, these girls are kidnapped by lesbian vampires and turned, dick jokes and gay jokes ensue, they slaughter the lesbians, and ride off into the sunset. It's not even that I'm offended by gay jokes, but you might as well have them be funny if you're gonna go for it. And like, you might want to hire some competent actors if you want to make a movie. This just feels like nobody was trying. It's like they wanted to be Shaun of the Dead, decided it was too much effort, found the worst talent in Britain, and wrote the script in about twenty minutes. I think I laughed once, which I'm ashamed of, because it means admitting I enjoyed even one aspect of the thoroughly awful Lesbian Vampire Killers. I advise you to give this one a miss, because even though it's relatively short, it'll feel like an eternity.

The year 1872 was a famous one in literary history. It was, for example, the year when Thomas Hardy wrote "Under the Greenwood Tree" and George Eliot "Middlemarch". For our purposes, however, is importance lies in the fact that this was the year when the Irish writer Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, in his story "Carmilla", invented the lesbian vampire. And what would the British horror film industry do without lesbian vampires? Admittedly, Victorian standards of propriety meant that in Le Fanu's original story the lesbianism had to be implied rather than explicit, but the various twentieth-century adaptations of the story, especially Hammer's "The Vampire Lovers" were much less restrained on this point."Lesbian Vampire Killers" is essentially "Carmilla" adapted for the New Lad generation. The heroes, Fletch and Jimmy, played by comedians James Corden and Matthew Horne, are a pair of unlikely lads from London who spend most of their time obsessing about beer, football and girls. And in Jimmy's case about his on/off relationship with his sluttish girlfriend Judy. It's generally "off" when Judy wants to dump Jimmy for another man, then "on" again when she discovers the other man isn't interested. Fletch and Jimmy decide to go away on holiday together, but lacking the cash for a foreign vacation decide to go hiking in England, and settle upon the Norfolk village of Cragwich.This is not the best choice they could have made. An ancient curse, cast in the Middle Ages by the vampire queen Carmilla, means that, upon reaching her eighteenth birthday, every girl in Cragwich turns into a lesbian vampire. This phenomenon which seems to have gone quite unnoticed by the outside world, except in Germany; Fletch and Jimmy meet four attractive German students who have come to Cragwich to study its ancient legend. They also learn, from the local vicar, of an ancient prophecy which states that Carmilla will rise again from the dead and that she can only be slain by the last descendant of the Clan McLaren, which just happens to be Jimmy. (It was a McLaren who was responsible for slaying Carmilla in her previous incarnation; the Clan McLaren were, of course, originally from the Scottish Highlands, not from Norfolk, but this is not a film which places a high premium on factual accuracy). Le Fanu probably intended the name "Carmilla" to be pronounced with a long vowel in the first syllable, but here the pronunciation is generally closer to "Camilla". Perhaps this was a comment on the less-than-popular wife of our current heir to the throne. While watching the film it struck me that the phrase "lesbian vampire killers" is triply ambiguous in that it can be interpreted in three different ways, namely (1) lesbians who kill vampires, (2) lesbian vampires who kill and (3) people who kill lesbian vampires. The producers, however, presumably intended it to be taken in the third of these senses as the initially reluctant Jimmy and Fletch take to killing as many vampires as they can, aided by Lotte (one of the tourists) and the Vicar (played by former Doctor Who Paul McGann), before Britain and the whole world are overrun by a plague of lesbian vampires. On the other hand, the title may also cover the second of the three above meanings, as the vampires themselves can certainly be pretty lethal. The film was not popular with the critics, and it doesn't seem too popular with some reviewers on this board either. Reading some of the one-star reviews, generally written from a position of jaw-dropping political correctness, was like wading through a "Guardian" women's-page editorial from the 1970s. Of course, the idea of lesbians as blood- sucking vampires would be horribly bigoted and misogynistic if it were to be taken seriously, but the one thing you cannot do with a film like this is to take anything about it seriously. The whole thing is a spoof from start to finish, a sort of cinematic equivalent of "Viz" magazine. (McGann's foul-mouthed Vicar particularly put me in mind of a "Viz" character). I would have described it as a parody of those old Hammer films from the sixties and seventies, of which "The Vampire Lovers" is a prime example, were it not for the fact that many of those films contain a strong element of self-parody. Certainly, it is not for everyone; those inclined to take life too seriously will loathe it, and anyone averse to bawdy humour or bad language would be well-advised to give it a wide berth. It is no "Citizen Kane", but most other people will find it amusing piece of entertainment, especially if watched late at night. 5/10

Usually I hate horror comedies, especially vampire comedies, but this one works.Jimmy, whose girlfriend once again cheated on him, and his best buddy, Fletch, who thinks only about one thing, decide to take a vacation of sorts with no money to wherever a dart on a map will land. It takes them to some remote English village. The strange locals offer free booze and free stay at some cottage farther away from the bar.As luck would have it a bunch of attractive girls are also staying there and the guys run into them. But the area is also stalked by lesbian vampires who are trying to resurrect their vampire queen. Jimmy is the descendant of a vampire slaying knight and the girl he's interested in is a virgin. The vampires need both of their blood to resurrect the queen.On the trail of the vampires is a vicar who's daughter turns 18 that day. Legend has it that the vampires turn all the girls in the town on their 18th birthday. Fletch who despite his best attempts is unlucky with girls will join the Vicar to fight the vampires who have captured Jimmy and the rest of the girls.Vampire Killers is a great light-hearted and funny movie. It has attractive girls, a bit but not enough nudity, likable characters, and a lot of humor. I wasn't expecting much from this movie but it turned out to be high quality with convincing acting, decent effects, good story, and it was funnier than most "funny" movies around.

(Credit IMDb) Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy and misses her. His best friend Fletch is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte, Heide,...I rented this out of pure curiosity, due to the titling itself. I really didn't expect much for a film of this nature, and I pretty much got what I bargained for. It's nothing downright horrible, but nothing overly amusing either. It tries so hard to follow in the vain of Shaun of the Dead, but it doesn't have the laughs or the talent to accomplish that feat. The characters themselves aren't very intriguing, and it really only gained steam for me in the final 35 minutes or so. Bottom line. Mediocre sums up the word for this movie perfectly. Don't remember much about it, don't really care too. Worth a look I guess, but it's vastly forgettable.4 ½ /10