Long Weekend (2009)

The Worst Film Ever

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

The best films of this genre always show a path and provide a takeaway for being a better person.

It’s sentimental, ridiculously long and only occasionally funny

Let me begin this review by being completely honest. When the opening credits rolled and I saw that Jamie Blanks was not only the director but also an executive producer and responsible for both the music and the editing of Nature's Grave, I was not filled with hope of a quality cinema experience. When someone's name is listed 4 times at the start of a movie that was made with a decent budget, it's usually the sign of somebody who thinks way too highly of themselves doing more than they should have. So perhaps my expectations for this motion picture were abnormally low going in, but I found it to be a surprisingly effective and creepy good time. But in the interests of complete honesty, I must also admit that it is very, very, very slow and is centered entirely on two characters it is nearly impossible to give a damn about.Peter (Jim Caviezel) is an American living in Australia with his Aussie wife Carla (Claudia Karmen). You can tell right away there are serious problems in their marriage and Peter has cajoled/pressured his wife into a weekend camping trip at some hidden beach in the middle of nowhere with one of Peter's friends and his girlfriend, seeking some sort of reconciliation. Carla, who dislikes the whole idea of "roughing it" only slightly less than she dislikes Peter at the moment, seems vaguely open to the idea of saving their union but isn't interested in making it easy.After a long drive and a turnoff onto a forest path, bickering most of the way, Peter and Carla arrive at what may or may not be the right beach. They set up camp anyway and try to enjoy themselves. Well, Peter tries. Carla mostly sulks that she's stuck in the woods instead of at some resort. But while the couple's relationship bounces around spoiled attempts at intimacy and hints at a bad history, they face increasing menace from the natural world around them. Eventually, Peter and Carla's personal bond explodes into anger and recriminations, but that's overshadowed by the fact that it seems unlikely they're going to get out of the woods alive.Nature's Grave is highlighted by some great work from director of photography Karl Von Moller. The shots of the woods, the beach, the coastline and the animals that inhabit them are frequently flat out beautiful. The look of this film resembles that of a good nature documentary on cable TV, which reinforces the threat of Mother Nature to Peter and Carla. If it were all shot more cinematically, there'd be a phoniness to it that would undercut the suspension of disbelief. This feels like the real world, which makes Peter, Carla and the danger facing them seem more real as well.I've also got to give Jamie Blanks his due. The music here is great at establishing mood and the editing does yeoman's work at keeping the tension and pace up. It has to because Blanks' direction, while squirmingly on target with his portrayal of a last stand at rescuing a doomed marriage, stumbles over his inability to recognize two glaring weaknesses in Everett DeRoche's script.You've heard of a slow burn? Well, Nature's Grave barely simmers. The first hour or so of this thing is like the first 10 minutes of a normal horror movie. You know, the part where the filmmakers try to create a sense of normalcy before they vivisect someone with a Garden Weasel? Things unfold so leisurely, everything that happens becomes so much more obvious and contrived. There are a couple of scenes that almost come off like anti-littering commercials. The weirdly slack rhythm of Nature's Grave appealed to me, but you wouldn't need to have ADD to get a little antsy waiting for something to happen.The other problem is that, while Jim Caviezel and Claudia Karvan do some good acting here, Peter is a boorish asshole and Carla is a prickly bitch. These characters are not likable. They are not sympathetic. It's hard to identify with them and that might make it difficult for some viewers to appreciate the slowly growing sense of dread and peril in the movie. At the end, you really only care about whether their dog survives the weekend.Again, maybe I had prepared myself for some grand disaster, but I liked Nature's Grave. Its differences felt like they were deliberate and intended and I appreciated someone trying to create a horror environment and sensibility that didn't follow the same well worn path. This film isn't scary so much as it's creepy and that's a sensation that's often overlooked in this supercharged age. It's definitely not for everyone but some will quite enjoy it.

The film tells the story of a troubled couple in spending a weekend in a far-off beach, having to deal with the consequences of their reckless actions toward nature. The plot may seem a bit poor, but it does have its tense and intense moments. It's not scary at all, just somewhat eerie.While acting is pretty straight, characters are really poor. Carla, the wife, is just unbelievably annoying. Impetuous, whinger and harassing. Unbearable. Peter, the husband, is not much better, reckless and arrogant. They obviously don't get along very well, and, as soon as the problems start to show up, rising the mystery behind the plot, their reactions just overbore it. I would say more than a half of the film nothing happens other than their constant argument. Thus, the plot develops very slowly. Maybe if there were more characters it could have been much better. Their dog is far the most likable character on the entire film.Filming is o.k., it manages to rise the tension of the plot. Scenery is great, but it does get monotone after a while.

I watched this movie late one night when I couldn't find anything better and the thing that seems to stick out to me the most about it is, it's utterly confusing.The synopsis on the movie read that it was about a couple going camping and suffering nature's wrath, and yet they seemed to be much more dangerous to nature. I should read off the list of offenses. They:Ran over a kangaroo, Sprayed an ant's nest with poison Shot at some ducks, Shot a dugong, Smashed an eagle's egg, Ran over a crab, Shot at an owl, Left a dog to die a slow death in a car.The list of Nature's supposed offenses:Attack by an eagle (just a few scratches), Biting ants (no allergic reaction either), Invaded campsite for food.Otherwise, the couple got lost, was constantly fighting with each other, discovered a murder-suicide, and spent part of the time paranoid about a dead dugong supposedly making its way towards them. And to do what, exactly? Was something supposed to be scary about doogans besides the way they look? Aren't these the same animals that are dying off based on slowness and their own stupidity? Aren't these the same creatures known as sea cows because they live on sea grass?The couple dies in the movie, but natural causes had nothing to do with it. The wife is shot in the throat by a spear of completely unknown origin, a metal spear, by the way, and the husband is ran over by a truck as soon as he finds an actual road. None of the suspenseful moments had decent pay off and some were just down right senseless. It seems to me that nature wasn't anything but a victim of this annoying couple and their endless quibbling from beginning to end and they themselves were just victims of pathetic irony.I just don't get it. Maybe there was something I missed that went completely over my head. Or maybe the screen writer failed to make his or her actual point.

Two fine actors are roped into making a film for which the description "spectacularly, monumentally, epically bad" doesn't even come close to deriding adequately. If there were a way to rate it zero stars, I would have done so.Two more unredeemable and unintelligent characters cannot be imagined. It is impossible to relate to either of them even for an instant. By comparison, the Texas Chain Saw killer is someone you can find more common ground with. All you can do is sit with your jaw open, spellbound by the awfulness of the material and the stupidity of the reactions of the two.The dreadful, unsatisfying repulsiveness of the film is not the fault of the actors. The sad excuse for a plot has no purpose, no logic, and no sense, and most of all there is no possibility of suspension of disbelief.Baffling why anyone would think this thing is marketable.