Switch (2013)

That was an excellent one.

Thanks for the memories!

Surprisingly incoherent and boring

Absolutely brilliant

Unfortunately, Switch really is as awful as many critics claim. With technological gadgetry including face marks and a UAV that can shoot lasers and emit an EMP, you couldn't be blamed if you initially felt you stumbled into a James Bond film by mistake, Switch stealing ideas from this franchise, and Mission Impossible, though the handling of each is unanimously poor. The best aspects of the feature however, are the visuals, Andy Lau's English, and the gorgeous Chinese women. In fact, I spent half the movie drooling all over myself, while the other half was spent wondering why I paid twenty something dollars on a film a five year old could have written. If you enjoy movies that include gangsters with mummy issues, unnecessarily over the top action scenarios, singers who perform strange socially backward songs, women who pointlessly cut off their fingers, Asian assassins in wedding dresses and ravishing babes in roller skates, then the film might actually impress you.The cinematography and settings are very beautiful, and the camera angles used to establish these locations assist the audience in recognizing their physical magnificence. However, the decision to incorporate slow-motion, although equally well executed, appears to be an unnecessary requirement, while at the same time, the quick changes of scenery happen so suddenly they could potentially cause seizures. In one instance, over the course of a couple minutes, the film switches (pun intended) from Dubai, to Tokyo, to Dubai again - this is a film, unsure of where it wants to be.Though there is some good humor to occasionally be had in the conversations, which are sometimes marred by the Caucasian actors, who are not only as wooden as seventeenth century ships, but whose dialogue is as entertaining as a flatulent ant, the flirtation and innuendo that impacts half the feature lacks the subtly of other Hong Kong films, and only heightens the sexist, misogynistic climate. From referring to women as 'toys', to emphasizing 'talkative women are unattractive', I had difficulty swallowing the script, which contained an excess of testosterone, and not enough equilibrium, and though seeing groups of Asian women in skimpy dresses is a dream come true for me, morally, it is repugnant. This, coupled with character Lin (Zhang Jinchu) admitting 'I don't care how you treat me' to her former husband, clearly emphasizes the total lack of respect the film bestows upon the fairer sex.Moving on, the original fight scenes appear awkwardly slow, and the need for characters to occasionally cosplay during these segments is beyond any scope of understanding, although towards the end, the handling of the fight sequences becomes significantly more adept. The musical score that accompanies these scenes is very effective, and the songs further what was supposed to be an adrenaline pumping mood, though the occasionally unnecessary sound effects (like Mr. Lau's need to continuously cock his pistol), alongside the effects, that sometimes appear unnaturally fake, noticeably take away from the appeal.Story-wise, Mr. Lau is Xiao, an agent with an undisclosed company, who spends half his life staring at holographic terminals in his man cave. Despite appearing as though he enjoys his time in the role, Mr. Lau appears awkward in the script's depiction of an immature agent, some of his dialogue being potentially better said by a younger actor. This is not helped by the addendum that Mr. Lau is beginning to look his age, and though his talent and charisma is undeniable, even he is unable to save a plot that can only be described as having been lobotomized.When a series of international criminals fight to obtain the two halves of the Dwelling in the Fuchun Mountains, an impressive piece of artwork, Xiao is tasked to reacquire it. Without warning, explanation or back-story, we are thrust into a plot, lacking in depth, characterization and comprehensive storytelling, where characters are deceased, then alive, then on one side, then another, neither of which is ever thoroughly explored. Unbeknownst to Xiao, his ex-wife, Lin, who left due to the secretive nature of his work, is an agent with an equally untitled agency, tasked to secure the painting. When his family is put on the line, professionalism and personal judgement begin to chaotically merge as Xiao is forced to choose between the woman he once loved, and Lisa (the illustriously beautiful Lin Chiling), the woman who has recently entered his heart.Although romance appears to be a paramount theme, it is obvious the creators have no idea what true love really is. Despite Xiao's claim 'love for (him) is not a choice', he chooses to be an unapologetic womanizer and a shameless flirt, with limited connection to his family, while the theme of greed and hubris overshadows the entirety of the feature, the word of the day apparently been 'mine'.Towards the end, the film finds some semblance of stability, but even this is marred by irreconcilable qualms, concerning realism and narrative, the most obvious of which being: how does Xiao know where the antagonists are located? Although incapable of emotionally moving its audience, and with an ending that is as shallow as it is vastly interpretative, Switch will potentially provoke viewers into booking a flight to China, so they might stare longingly at the unfathomable number of gorgeous women the film promotes resides there. As beautiful as Asian women are however, Switch, much like my mother's meatloaf, is best avoided at all costs.

Someone steals an ancient Chinese painting from a museum in a high tech operation. It's actually only half of a painting. Long time ago it was cut in half and in a couple of days for the first time there will be an exhibition presenting the complete painting with both halves.A bunch of Westerners are after the stolen part and some lady known as the Empress, as well as some gentle soft-spoken Japanese mean guy. Xiao is part of some government outfit and he's tasked with recovering the stolen painting. He's married, has a son, but his job as secret agent requires him to be a ladies man. Sure enough, all the girls in this movie are after him for some reason.When the sale of the painting is about to take place, Xiao recovers it. But the Japanese guy kidnaps his son in exchange for the painting. But Xiao and his team won't rest until both halves of the painting are safe in time for the exhibition.The story of Switch sounds straight-forward enough but the way it's told is a complete mess. While I'm sure the director is not entirely blameless, the main problem here is the bizarre editing. The entire movie comes across as fragmentary. Every "scene" lasts only a few seconds and then is faded out as we rotate between all the characters in this movie and no point is ever made. There is very little dialogue and very little action. Instead what Switch is all about is empty style. The actors wonder in and out of fancy luxurious LED-lit interiors and a few exteriors in China and Dubai without doing or saying much. Even the main character Xiao doesn't do much but drive around in a certain brand of vehicles and for a good part of the movie we don't even see him, making it a movie without much of a main character. Without trying to sound stereotypical, I had a very hard time distinguishing among the female characters. I think I could identify maybe 4 of them--the wife, some overwatch girl, Xiao's main squeeze when he's undercover, and a girl who likes him but works for the Japanese guy. But I may be wrong. That said, all the girls are beautiful.I'm surprised this movie got international distribution. Despite the budget and excessive opulence, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. It's not a thrilling movie, it's not an action movie, there's some drama, and CGI scenes look rather cheesy. The movie even engages in some political polemics. It makes the Japanese look pretty bad and it features a hilarious song with some very politically incorrect lyrics that make a mockery of Western "values." What it does have going for it is some of the scenery. Sound is surprisingly very well done. The Japanese guy is surrounded by Cirque-du-Soleil-type acrobats who are also killers. And in the end we get a scene were all these girls confront one of Xiao's girls, don't know which one. That's a cool fighting scene. But for all the fancy sets, the final two confrontations takes place in some really lame settings. The end is also somewhat puzzling.

There is nothing worth to say about this movie, except, don't waste your precious time, not even when you could do it with a fast forward button. Our movie channel just put it on the shelf for on-demand playing, and after hearing so much bad comments about it when it was on the big screen, I made it a challenge for myself to try to sit through it.EPIC FAIL.To the extent that you want to find a way to unsee it, but then you simply can't, because the visuals throughout were so colourful, or even rich, BUT WITHOUT A POINT.I really wanted to give it -10.

There is literally no point to this movie! It's just product placement after product placement. I am not exaggerating. There's no cohesive story that I can see other than there is a coveted painting, the script is laughable, amateur, and melodramatic and the characters are caricatures. I started to wonder if it was based off manga, and when a kid started laughing maniacally in front of a fire, I knew this movie was ****, and it's not a case of not understanding the movie because it's too deep either. It really is just about the aesthetics, and if this movie has any stars, that's why. This was really disappointing! Andy Lau, you've sunk low!