Painted Lady (1998)

Fantastic!

Absolutely the worst movie.

Unshakable, witty and deeply felt, the film will be paying emotional dividends for a long, long time.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

"Painted Lady" is perfectly dreadful television fare. Don't waste your time with it. Plot strands, sometimes pretty and other times gritty, fly off in every direction without the slightest resolution. Characters -- a boy in the bath, street thugs, art dealers with Italian accents, restorers, purveyors of rough trade, even a dog -- come and go. The film begins as a British police investigatory, mind you, but the cops fail to properly investigate what should be an absurdly easy murder to solve. They are out of it by the second reel. (Where is Hercule Poirot when you need him!) Helen Mirren, unconvincing as a retired rocker with a pin in the side of her nose, is also unconvincing as a Polish noblewoman in disguise. She fails to save it. And the credits roll.Mirren's character, you see, lives off the largesse of Sir Charles Stafford, the aged -- and debt-burdened -- proprietor of a great house somewhere in the British Isles. One night, while she lolls with a boy toy, Stafford is killed in what appears to be the heist of an Old Master hanging in the hall. The audience immediately knows who done it and why. For reasons known only to the scriptwriter, Mirren hides Stafford's gun from the police, reconnects with Stafford's wayward son, and sets out to recover the painting, which may or may not exist.The audience is treated to a good bit of art history and one of those plummy high-stakes art auctions, but it is all pointless. Nothing happens. Nothing makes sense. And Mirren's song lyrics are just awful. "Painted Lady" is "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" light. Watch something else.

The incomparable Helen Mirren is washed-up blues singer Maggie Sheridan, living on an estate in Ireland where she has been rescued from heroin addiction by faithful childhood friend Sebastian Stafford (a beautiful performance by Iain Glen).When we meet her Maggie has been vegetating in semi-retirement on the estate in a guest cottage for some ten years. We see her finishing recording a demo with a (much younger) local Irish musician, and they are about to take a dip in the bath together when gunshots are heard across the grounds. It seems there has been a theft of paintings owned by the Staffords, with tragic consequences. From there writer Cubitt has Maggie trekking across Ireland, England, and New York in search of paintings and criminals; and with the very reluctant help of her art dealer sister and brother-in-law, posing as an international art dealer.Maggie is 50 years old without family or husband, but at turns remarkably charming, debauched, and courageous - a fascinating character. And what Cubitt has given us (and Mirren) is an unforgettable portrait of a woman who risks her life for those she considers family, and what she considers home.

Helen Mirren is always a joy to watch as she gets her chops around a part. I think she had fun here tramping skillfully through several cultures, costumes, and accents. It looks like she can sing, too. The Irish bit got lost along the way, however. The house and scenery are great wherever we are. And there are some pretty good supporting players on the trip. I think the writing on the initial screenplay sounds like it was good, from the featurette on the DVD, but somewhere along the road, either in the directing or the editing perhaps, something essential got lost. My willing suspension of disbelief went with it. Nice try, sort of fun to watch, except for Nero, who should burn with shame for his hamfisted acting. Why would Helen ever fall for him?!

This movie is totally worth watching, buying and keeping. Helen Mirren is just extraordinary and the plot is outstanding. You'll be caught in the plot from start to finish in one of the most intriguing and exciting mysteries ever put on the screen. Magnificent!