Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2002)

Don't Believe the Hype

When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

Good films always raise compelling questions, whether the format is fiction or documentary fact.

Excellent and certainly provocative... If nothing else, the film is a real conversation starter.

As you'd expect from the title, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a trashy indie flick that throws a ton of different ingredients into the mix in a bid to make something stick, but the attempt is a failure. The comedy is forced and unfunny and the rest just drags out in an endless array of awful acting and non-existent production values. Jesus fights evil in the modern day and there's some terrible attempted kung fu. Santo plays in support for some reason, and expect a little gore to boot. I'm not averse to indie cinema but films this cheap and mindless really do take the biscuit.

Low budget doesn't have to mean tacky. This is obviously a "B" movie in everything you see, but it has a certain charm. Sometimes, it is a musical, but it certainly isn't Jesus Christ Superstar. Sometimes, it is a Kung Fu movie, but it's nothing like Jet Li.I was hoping that Jesus would get it on with Mary Magnum, looking as hot as Cat-woman in her red latex, and maybe give some credence to The Da Vinci Code, but no luck.Jesus was too busy stopping the harvest of lesbians by the evil vampires. Of course, he was pathetic until he enlisted the help of Nacho Libre, well, really Santo Enmascarado de Plata. But, even then things got a little tight before it was all over.Irreverent dialog makes for one crazy movie.

Make no mistake - this is a REAL B movie. And it shows. The crew were working with a tiny budget and things like props, special effects, wardrobe etc, are all just incidentals that were tagged on if they had time or any money left to afford them. It looks like they didn't have any money left though!!! But that's the beauty of this movie. It's rawness is a major part of it's appeal. If JCVH had been made by a major company, it just wouldn't be right. It thrives on it's crudity. No major company would touch this movie though - they wouldn't have the balls to approach it's subject matter or the bravery to take a risk with it. So JCVH works perfectly as it stands.I'm not going to go into the details of the movie; suffice to say that any movie with a religious godhead as a character is going to be controversial and may even be seen as blasphemous. But if you're going to watch it thinking it's a condemnation of Christianity, you'll be disappointed - if anything it reaffirms the core message that everyone should be cool to one another. And how can anyone disagree with that?JCVH is not so much a laugh out loud movie. There weren't many instances where I was doubled up with laughter but I found myself sitting through the whole movie with a smile on my face. It's beauty is it's cleverness. At first glance, many of the jokes seem superficial, but when contemplated, you realise how much effort went into them and how original they are. Days later you may find yourself referring back to something in the movie and thinking to yourself "Wow!!! That is really clever!!!" It may sound strange, but JCVH is a movie that I found funnier in the days after I watched it. They say that revenge is a dish served cold. Likewise, that also seems to be the case with the humour in JCVH.Many people won't get this movie. Nowadays, we expect everything to be sparkling and polished. That creates a veneer that often blinds us to the true substance - a terrible movie will often draw acclaim whereas that which doesn't meet this expectation and yearning for the artificial is consigned to the trash can. JCVH uses no trickery, no mirage or veneer - it relies on it's intelligence and rawness. And to tell the truth: it does it very, very well.

This movie sure is pretty enjoyable, but you have to really love your b-movies. It's extremely amateurish, the 16 mm look, the acting, the effects, everything. Still, it looks like a bunch of friends had a great time making it, which has an undeniable charm. But here's the thing. Try describing it to a friend. Whether you just explain the premise, or get into a specific scene, it will without a doubt sound like the coolest movie ever made. The title, Santos, loads of lesbians, punk priests, the Star Wars Scat, a fully choreographed musical number, it all sounds fantastic. Basically, while it could never live up to it's description, it's definitely worth a look. But please, don't take my word for it, just watch it and judge for yourself.