Booze Lightyear (2015)

Need tips on how to get a date? Booze Lightyear has all the answers. As certified pickup artists, you should try our patterned "she'll def hump me right now" pickup lines. You'll be banging your crush in the back of your minivan in no time.

Here at Booze Lightyear, we're pretty bad with relationship stuff. So naturally, we thought we'd try our hand at marriage proposals. It went exactly as planned.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Ever wonder how to get out of it? Let Booze Lightyear help you out. We've got all the answers.

Czech out these Booze Lightyear tips on how to land your dream job.

Ever said anything that could be construed as racist? I haven't. Okay, I'm lying. I actually have. There was this one time I called my friend Jose a refried bean when I was mad at him for drinking the last chocolate milk, but I later apologized after he punched me in the neck. We're cool now. Okay. He doesn't always text me back, but other than that we're still pretty good friends. True story. Can we all just agree that you're a racist tho? Good. Glad we cleared that up.

Ever said something sexist? Booze Lightyear never has. And I never have either. Nope. Never. I have never once in my life said anything remotely sexist. Are you calling me a liar? I'm not a liar. You're a liar. And your mom's a liar too. And your face also! You face is a big fat liar!! How can someone's face be a liar, you ask? Fool, I don't know. I'd tell you to ask your own face how it can be such a liar, but the answer you'd get would probably just be a lie. What the fuck does any of this have to do with sexism anyway? I like peanut butter on my waffles tho.

This week Booze Lightyear explores the topic of homophobia. Homophobia is a real thing, y'all. It's not just some made up thing you saw one Saturday night watching old episodes of The Flintstones while smoking a fat one. On that note, people should smoke more fat ones. Wouldn't the world be a happier place if we all just smoked a fat one and watched The Flintstones? Watching The Jetsons would also suffice. Jetsons is a great show. Astro is my favorite character. I kind of had this weird crush on him as a kid - but not like in a gay way.

This week the men of Booze Lightyear take the time to describe the female genitalia to you - aka the vagina. A big thanks to Epic Lloyd from Epic Rap Battles of History for helping us out with such a daunting task. Now you may have asked yourself in the past: How many handsome geniuses does it take to describe a vagina? Well, now you know that it takes at least four. We probably could've described a vagina to you using only three people, but Epic Lloyd had the flu so we called Lu and Carlos in to be his vagina-describing wingmen. Turns out, Lloyd didn't really need a wingman. See, he minored in Vaginal Descriptions back in college and graduated with honors.

This week the Booze Lightyear crew shows you how to talk to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Not that I've ever been in a serious relationship. And that's not because I'm not handsome. Oh no, believe me; I am one handsome son of a bitch. My grandmother tells me all the time how handsome I am. In fact, if there were a "That's One Good Looking Motherfucker" award, I would come in first place every year. I've never actually won an award - of any kind. Also, my grandmother is a liar.

Ever wondered what's really in Taco Bell meat? Booze Lightyear has the answer. Also, Kelly had to go out of town to attend a wedding on the day we filmed, so she isn't in the next few episodes - but she'll be back.

This week all of us over here at Booze Lightyear (minus Kelly who had to attend a wedding) show you exactly what it would be like to be the worst weatherman in the world. See, it's unfortunate none of us are both Latina and have huge breasts. Otherwise, we could get a job as a weather girl for one of the Spanish news outlets. All of those weather girls have big knockers. But don't we all dream of being a Latina with big boobs tho? I certainly do.

For some reason when women appear on camera people leave some of the most vile and repulsive comments. So we here at Booze Lightyear thought we'd extract some of the comments on Kelly's videos and read them to her face, essentially building a sketch around it. In other words, we ran out of shit to watch on Netflix and we got bored and devised a clever way to sexually harass Kelly without getting in trouble. Also, we all collectively like eating pancakes for dinner sometimes.

Have you ever said the wrong thing in bed? Of course you have. You're you! Well, this week on Booze Lightyear we explore what not to say in bed. I mean, you could say some of these things while just laying in bed alone or while sleeping on your bed. But then you'd be talking in your sleep, and that would be weird. Why on Earth would you want to be weird like that? C'mon, man, stop doing weird shit like talking to yourself in your sleep and go out and get a real job. Go and make your mother proud, you weirdo.

This week we explore the accuracy of marketing and advertising, and its effect on the overall global economy as well as the implications it has on us as a society. You'll be all smart and shit after watching this video. Seriously, your IQ will jump by at least 75 points.

This week we offend ISIS. I know. I know. Only a terrible horrible no good person would offend ISIS. But yeah, that's kind of what we are here at Booze Lightyear. We're the absolute worst. Our grandmothers won't even call us on Christmas; that's how bad we are.

In this episode of Booze Lightyear, we take a look at how cable news outlets handle simple news stories. Oh, you'd like me to type something super clever here. Wouldn't you? Well, unfortunately for you, I'm simply all out of fucks to give. Seriously, I handed all of them out to kids at Halloween in place of those miniature single serving candy bars. I love those candy bars - but not as much as I love giving fucks.

This week Booze Lightyear takes on modern feminism and equality. Is it weird that I say "hello"? Don't people normally say "hello" when they greet one another? What? Just because you're reading this and we aren't physically talking to one another face-to-face that means I can't say "hello"? What kind of nonsense is that?! FUCK YOU I'LL SAY HELLO IF I WANT, YOU BASTARDS!! ... Sorry that outburst was uncalled for. I promise it won't happen again. Goodbye.

Emojis are totally awesome, bro. They're straight up yolo, swag, and other slang words. But what do they mean? Pass the blunt to the left and pay attention while we explain the true meaning of emojis to you. And if you're on your best behavior, I've got some fruit rollups and pop tarts in the kitchen you can have.

This one time Booze Lightyear and I served a gay guy in restaurant we were working at. Immediately afterwards, we all went straight to Hell.

This week, Booze Lightyear takes on The War on Drugs and the US drug policy. Fun fact: We're all extreme method actors, so we actually ingested all of these drugs to make our performances in this sketch more realistic. Nah, just kidding; that would be too expensive, and we're all practically broke. Maybe we should start selling drugs to make more money.

This week, Booze Lightyear tackles what not to do as an Uber Driver. Collectively, we're not sure why anyone would take an Uber, when we could all be riding pterodactyls to work. In fact, wouldn't life be at least 32% better if we could all be like the Flintstones and ride a dinosaur to get places? No, not like the grumpy Jurassic Park dinosaurs; I mean like the fun cartoony ones that the residents of Bedrock used to use for their slave labor. Awwwww. Now that I'm talking about it, wouldn't life be better if I had a dino slave? :(

Think you're smart enough to run for president? We here at Booze Lightyear definitely aren't. But we thought we'd say "fuck it' and give it a shot. Really though, who wouldn't want to be president? We were under the impression that presidents are allowed to make sex all the time, and that's pretty much our goal in life. Just lots and lots of presidential sex.

I shall not write a description for Booze Lightyear this week. Enjoy the 35 things you can't say to your children.

Yup. Booze Lightyear is out there looking for employment again. So we went and did this job interview at this really cool place. Everyone was dressed in white and wore pointy wizard hats. They didn't call us in for a second interview yet, but our fingers are crossed.

Is it Gif or Gif?

This week Booze Lightyear takes on sluts. No, I don't mean we literally take on sluts. That would be gross and sexual and highly inappropriate for a video. What kind of people do you think we are? It's not like we're sluts or anything. Sure, we may have had sex with every other sketch group in town, but never on the first date. Okay, yes, we did it once on the first date, but we were really drunk and vulnerable.

Have you ever seen puppets go wild? We here at Booze Lightyear sure have. In fact, we're very used to seeing puppets going wild. This one time we saw Elmo snort a line of coke while he was humping one of the chicks from Fragile Rock. We asked him to stop, but then Fozzy Bear got in our face and asked us to stop ruining the party. We felt we could've taken Fozzy, but Grover was standing there and he's known to be a badass. So we backed down and let them have their party.

In this episode of Booze Lightyear, we examine some of the world's worst criminals. These guys are absolutely terrible at breaking the law. I ripped the tag off of a pillow once and cried myself to sleep that night because I thought I was going to get arrested for breaking the law. That was last week. Why do they put those tags there anyways if they don't want you to rip them off. What the hell kind of sadistic maniac would torture us like that? WE DEMAND TO BE ABLE TO RIP THE TAGS OFF OUR PILLOWS WHEN WE PLEASE, YOU BASTARDS!!! Sorry. That last bit was uncalled for.

This week on Booze Lightyear we stand in front of a green screen and crack jokes about moving images. I know, I know. It's a very novel idea. Well, we like to pioneer shit. Is that alright? Is that okay with you? You're not in charge of my life! Stop telling me what to do! I hate it here! I'm going to live with grandma!

Ever had to break up with your girlfriend? We here at Booze Lightyear sure have. In fact, we just found ourselves breaking up with your girlfriend last week. What a mess! She was sobbing and begging us to stay and stuff. It was awful. We'll make sure to never date your girlfriend again; that way we can avoid having to dump her again. Also, she farts in her sleep.

Awwwwwww yeahhhhh! Booze Lightyear is back with another video about break ups. We make breaking up look easy. Don't be fooled tho. We're lonely. Call us.

Booze Lightyear trolls a funeral! GOT EEM!!!

Yet again, another green screen video with jokes.

Need an attorney? Need a lawyer? Need a cuddle buddy? Call Booze Lightyear. Our attorneys at Booze Lightyear are also lawyers - and as an added bonus, we're also well versed in legal.

What do you do when your girlfriend asks you if she looks fat? Well, we here at Booze Lightyear have no clue. Seriously, we have zero idea of what to do in this situation. So we thought we'd pretend to be experts on the subject and give you advice about it. Funny how that works, eh?

Sup, bitch. Watch this totally amazing Booze Lightyear video about hating your job or we'll all track you down and steal your dog. Your move.

You want the GIFS? We got the GIFS.

Got sex questions? Well, we ask the awkward sex questions so you don't have to. Thank god for us asking these or you'd never know the answer. You're welcome. We like to think of ourselves as public educators doing a valuable service to society, really.

Made a little video discussing my occasional struggle with depression. Depression is obviously a very complex issue that can't be resolved by watching a simple internet video, but maybe this will make you feel better knowing that a lot of people struggle with the same thing. Everyone deals with depression in a different way and if you want to talk to someone about how you're feeling there are folks who can help.

Got MORE sex questions? Great, we have more answers which lead to more sex questions. This time the ladies are asking the guys. It's awkward. So very very awkward. You're welcome.