Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)

Don't listen to the negative reviews

Better Late Then Never

It's funny watching the elements come together in this complicated scam. On one hand, the set-up isn't quite as complex as it seems, but there's an easy sense of fun in every exchange.

This is a must-see and one of the best documentaries - and films - of this year.

This is not, a film, it might be feature length, but it i not a film. What it is, is an episode of a goofy cop show on TV. The kind that you would watch when there is nothing else on at three o'clock in the morning. I sat through the whole thing waiting for the canned laughter and fake audience reactions (*couple on screen kiss* Audiaence: "Wooooooooo"). Everything is done to that low budget TV show standard with fake looking sets, over the top acting an a weird style that mixes New York of the 60's with 90's technology and jokes. The story feels taken from a TV show too; you have the uptight, by the book cop partnering up with the lazy bum cop and this odd couple has to take down the mafia boss - hilarity ensues. Or at least that must have been the idea behind this crap. However, the story and characters feel outdated an all the jokes are far less funny than envisioned. The original was a cop show from the 60's and as far as I am concerned it should have ended with that.

When the film began, two things struck me. First, how incredibly cheesy and stupid the first two minutes were. Second, I happened to be watching the film with my laptop and I noticed on the IMDb site that the film was made in 1990 but not released for 4 years--a sure sign that the film was a crap-fest! Holding a film for release (with one exception) is a kiss of death for a film. The only exception was "Arsenic and Old Lace" which was held for release until the original play ended its run on Broadway--and was a wonderful film.So why, in the first place, would they want to remake "Car 54"? It's obviously impossible to capture the old show as the two leads (Fred Gwynne and Joe E. Ross) were dead and the show bears almost no similarity to Nat Hiken's silly (and low-brow) but well-written show. Well, it was done for one reason and one reason alone--Hollywood has been bereft of story ideas and has chosen to simply recycle old TV shows as movies instead of actually hiring writers who are not morons (or chimps). What else could explain the plethora of 3rd rate remakes or 2nd and 3rd rate TV shows?! As Joe E. Ross was a one-note performer with possible simian genes, the producers of this film decided to find another actor(?) who bore a striking similarity to Cornelius of "The Planet of the Apes" fame, David Johansen. Sadly he DID sound and talk like Ross' character--but 30 years later, it just seemed annoying. As far as Fred Gwynne goes, John C. McGinley bore no similarity whatsoever to the original character and was in many ways more like Tackleberry from "Police Academy"--as he was violent and prone to shooting first.So despite my reservations about the acting, the four year delay and the horrible introduction, is there a plot which makes the film worth seeing? Well, considering that the film is currently ranked #59 on IMDb's Bottom 100 (the 100 films with the lowest overall score), it's unlikely that I'll be recommending it any time soon (unless I loose my mind, though my kids would re-word this to "further loose my mind"--as watching this film would suggest). With such wonderfully funny things like Johansen accidentally rip out an old man's catheter (uggh), spit jokes (complete with lots of spit) and McGinley giving blind guy's tickets for stepping into the street, the film is indeed quite awful...and mind-numbingly stupid. In fact, after watching this film I actually feel significantly stupider! Do yourself a favor--don't watch this film. Even bad movie fans (like myself) won't enjoy this one...unless they are masochists.

My mission as of late has been to watch every single film on the list of 100 worst movies ever made. Right now I have scratched off around 20, with this steaming pile of rotting filth being one of them. Make no mistake, Car 54 is one of the single worst movies to come out of Hollywood, or as I like to call it, Evil Town (creative name, no?). I violently protest any of the other posters who claimed that some parts of this movie were either "average" or (shudder) "funnny." Nothing in this movie works, from start to finish, and to save the sanity of others I will try and express who bad things get. The opening scene features a truly horrible song and dance number which is badly filmed with a soft glow technique and features a cartoon canary that at one point dresses up like a rapper (oh yeah, no racial stereotypes here, no sir). Then we discover that this was the dream of our main character, a goofy cop played by the single most irritating man on the planet. Seriously, his voice and silly putty face made me want to shoot someone when he started talking. We then get the opening credits as a crappy rap song is played, one where a single verse is repeated 3 TIMES. God, was that excruciating, considering that during this song I got supposedly "wacky" footage of the cops acting silly. The rest of the movie is populated with characters NO ONE could love, a barely existing plot that has no chance of being stretched over 90 minutes, and who knows what else. Honestly I couldn't stomach much of this trash, since most of the humor is either obvious or downright nasty. Obvious example: the policemen keep going to donut stores when they're supposed to be working. OH, HAR HAR HAR. Is that supposed to be funny in 1994, much less 2003? Plus the fact that the entire thing is horribly outdated by its fashion, soundtrack, and slang. This was back when rappers wearing giant clock necklaces was considered "hip," so you can imagine the amount of bad fashion choices spattered throughout this film. Rosie O' Donnel makes her film debut here, and she crashes and burns I'm happy to say. Nasty example: the main character actually has sex with Rosie O' Donnel while screaming, "Oooh! OOOOH! OOOOOOOH!" You can't know it by reading that, but he says it in a "comical" way. Trust me, it's just plain nauseating. AVOID CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU IF YOU VALUE THE PURITY OF YOUR SOUL. 0/4 stars

Oh my god! This has to be the worst f-----ing movie I've ever seen! I saw this when I was 10 years old and this gave me a stomache ache.... honestly! I'm not kidding. That's how bad it is. Serious. I'm a fan of John C. McGinley, but what the hell was he thinking?! Aaaah! This movie forever tarnished my image of Rosie O Donnell. I mean, she's obnoxious enough without watching this movie! Ech! AAh! I think this is the worst movie ever made!