House of the Dead (2003)

The Worst Film Ever

Yo, there's no way for me to review this film without saying, take your *insert ethnicity + "ass" here* to see this film,like now. You have to see it in order to know what you're really messing with.

There's no way I can possibly love it entirely but I just think its ridiculously bad, but enjoyable at the same time.

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

OMFG will someone PLEASE STOP GIVING UWE BOLL MONEY!!!I got up today to find this playing on TV... didn't catch the very start but that obviously does not matter at all.. and within a cpl min I was questioning if they were seriously this idiotic or if they were trying to make this movie this bad intentionally..Well.. stupid me.. wasted time actually watching more of this craptacular pile of steaming ... no wait.. that's too polite a description.. and a pile like that at least would be useful as fertilizer..Suffice to say watching this continued while feeding my youngest son his lunch (Thankfully he's too young to understand any of this) and it just kept getting worse.. and worse.. and WORSE.. and WWWWWOOOORRRRSSEEEEE!!!!!!AMC.. the channel that has helped with some spectacularly good Zombie action (Walking Dead anyone?) and a few other excellent shows.. but has it's head firmly up up it's collective ass with idiotic butchering of movies was happy to put this on and then it's sequel (which can't help but be better since UWE is not involved).. and edited it for language.. but did not have the decency to cut out the entire film and substitute a simple still shot saying:This is a test of the EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM This film is directed by UWE BOLL. Turn the channel NOW to save your sanity and lock the doors since the world is obviously ending when we have run out of garbage to put on TV and are reduced broadcasting this crap..But don't worry.. we edited out the language so your sensitive ears won't ever hear profanity!!!!.. (We can't control the profanity undoubtedly being uttered by all of those watching this crap)Now laugh all you want.. this review is idiotic and absurd.. and its intentionally so.. but at least this has saved you from wasting time of your life you will never get back from watching this load of total steaming sh*t (Seriously IMDb? Have to edit this word?? /facepalm @ that being as stupid and idiotic as AMC's butchering of films. Both pathetic and extremely childish esp since kids know that word very well by the time they hit school!) from UB... Now as the title says:OMFG will someone PLEASE STOP GIVING UWE BOLL MONEY!!!Seriously!!! The man destroys everything he ever touches and some idiots keep giving him $ to make more movies..Hell even his disaster version of AD&D.. which basically writes it'self it's so fantastically easy to get right.. and he managed to butcher it to death in a horrific fashion..They gave him Bloodrayne, AD&D and at least a dozen others with potential... again craptacular garbage from hell every single time.... his touch is like King Midas only its CRAP instead of gold!There seriously needs to be a public safety warning with everything that man ever touches!! Hell even his breathing or uttering the words related to any movie does untold damage to us all!So for the sake of the children, puppies, kittens and whatever else you can add into that.. STOP GIVING HIM MONEY to make movies!!!FFS Pay him to NOT make movies and we will all be better off!!Seriously!!!!This pathetic excuse for a movie is just abysmal.. and while I've worked in the industry and am prod of some of the good stuff we have done here in Canada.. this is NOT one of them and the fact he was even allowed into the country to film this is worthy of investigation since it's an abomination to our film industry and whomever issued him the permits needed needs to be fired!!!So review boiled down for those that want to skip to the end:To quote the great Monty Python:RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!

After watching this movie twice, I can confirm that this movie is 100%... GARBAGE. I'm not even joking when I say that this is absolutely terrible in every way.If you don't know what House of the Dead is, Remember that arcade game you played at Dave and Buster's for maybe 20 minutes before you got bored and played something else? Well, Uwe Boll made a movie out of that. If you don't know who Uwe Boll is, he's the director of this movie and widely considered one of the worst directors out there. He's also known for challenging Critics who didn't like he movies to a boxing match. Anyway, on to "House of the Dead"I'll spoil the plot of the movie for you. There's a island full of zombies, teenagers go to it and die. The End. Every plot-point that happens in the movie, I could see coming from a mile away. It's the most predictable and basic of Horror movies, and it wasn't scary in the slightest. The characters are so annoying and one-dimensional that even is they actors were any good (which they're not), they still wouldn't be able to pull it off. The writing in this film reminds me of how I used to write movies... when I was seven. The music is horrible. It sounds less like music and more like inconsistent noise. Overall, this is a horrible film and one of many horrible films made by Uwe Boll. 2/10

Going to a small island for a party, a group of revelers finds the entire area overrun by vicious flesh-eating zombies raised from the dead by a deadly chemical and must find a way of stopping the creatures and getting off the island alive.This is an unfairly maligned zombie effort that has a lot going for it. One of the better features here is the rather impressive suspense built up here, whether done through the jungle location where it's all set up in the traditional gloomy, oppressive jungle shrubs that really give off a great vibe or the opening scenes of the chaos-riddled party that doesn't strike as being odd and off-the-wall enough to really warrant that kind of attention which pays off in a rather tense beginning. Compounding it all as well is the film's singular best quality in its relentless action that pretty much runs throughout the film as a whole, initially serving as the perfect payoff for the suspense-filled opening while offering up plenty of exciting moments. There's plenty of action here that starts off with the attacks in the forest filled with oncoming swarms of zombies that are appearing behind trees and underwater all along a rather fun and exciting series of chases and encounters. The main part of the excitement here is the centerpiece assault on the group as they race into the shack which is readily filled with tons of blasting gunshots, zombies heads blasts apart, limbs hacked off and martial arts moves all being utilized against the zombies in a delirious ten-minute plus sequence that also manages to feature tons of stunt-work and gory action to make for a spectacular highlight. Other big action scenes include the final battle in the house where the reanimated bodies all start coming back to life in the lab while the battle in the tunnel features some creepy zombie make-up and leads into the thrilling sword fight at the finale. Along with that fantastic zombie make-up and fun gore, these are enough to build this up against the few flaws here, which include the continuous video-game sequences in the middle of a random scene which is quite aggravating for the quantity of times its done and the selection of scenes it showcases. They're distracting, don't fit the tone of what's happening and seem to be done merely to placate fans of the game. The only other flaw here is the decision to utilize the running zombie tactics that's just completely unrelated to anything in the film that we're given as to the source of their resurrection. These here are the film's only real flaws that hold it down.Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity, and drug use.

Uwe Boll has come to be known as the worst director in Hollywood. The new Ed Wood, the all time supreme master of crap. This film has mediocre action sequences that make no sense and copy other films, it has nothing to do with the famous arcade game, and agent G is apparently a black guy. Uwe Boll you are terrible and you really had a cornucopia of things hand wrapped and given out to you, but you had to do it your way didn't you? But I still cannot get over how terrifically mental it is to not have G and Rogan be main characters. Instead you had to take a bunch of idiot teenagers that we aren't attached because they are so unlikable, and then you screw up the race of which G is. YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET THAT TINY LITTLE PART RIGHT! This was a golden opportunity to expand the HOTD universe and add on to the classic game. It was a chance to make thousands of HOTD fans become proud that there favorite game series was picking up and expanding more. But this is just a smear of trash, making sega curse the day they made the game and making people curse the day they ever picked up one of the classic arcade guns. This film blows. Bad dialogue, scenes, acting, editing, and most of all directing.