Assassin's Bullet (2012)

Too much of everything

Highly Overrated But Still Good

A great movie, one of the best of this year. There was a bit of confusion at one point in the plot, but nothing serious.

Let me be very fair here, this is not the best movie in my opinion. But, this movie is fun, it has purpose and is very enjoyable to watch.

My girlfriend is Bulgarian so I've traveled to the city of Sofia many times and often watch films that are shot in her home country because the nature there is very pretty and it's fun for me to recognize some of the sights that we've been to together. Even though I had read reviews of this movie which warned the reader to steer away from it, for the most part, I already have quite low expectations when I watch films that are shot in Bulgaria, because they usually have a very low budget and star B list actors. So because of that and the aforementioned emotional connection I'm always very forgiving of them and since I thought it might be nice to see a film which was shot in Sofia that's also actually set there, I figured it can't be as bad as all that and decided to watch it all the same. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was just awful. Bulgaria is absolutely nothing like it's being presented in this film. It seems to me the director mixed up Sofia with Istanbul or some other Arabic city. I've been there a lot and I have never come across people selling Arabic clothes on the streets or seen any local bars with belly dancers. In fact, of all the major European cities I've visited, Sofia probably has the smallest Muslim population of all, but they make it appear like the larger part of its inhabitants are Muslims and because of that, terrorists apparently use it as a base from which to attack the rest of the continent. The score also mostly consisted of Arabic music, which only served to further misinform the viewer about what the city is really like. I must confess that I was so annoyed by all of these misrepresentations that I couldn't pay attention to the story at all. Maybe if you've never been to or know anything about Bulgaria, or Eastern Europe in general, you can still enjoy watching Christian Slater and Donald Sutherland in this, but please keep in mind that Sofia in real life is nothing like they make it out to be in this movie. I read one review of someone saying that he had no idea Bulgaria was so culturally diverse, but that he should have guessed considering its proximity to Turkey, so this film has already completely misinformed him and I just wanted make a little contribution to try and prevent it from doing any more damage. If you'd like to watch a movie which is both shot and set in Bulgaria and that represents the city more accurately, I can recommend "Doubly Identity" with Val Kilmer. That definitely also has its flaws (it represents the country as being under military rule but is set shortly after the fall of Communism to make that more believable), but it's still much more truthful than "Sofia" AKA "Assassin's Bullet", which, of course, isn't very hard considering that they got pretty much everything wrong in that. The films which are shot there but supposedly take place in America are actually way more truthful to what the country is really like, since Bulgaria in real life is just as western as any other member of the European Union.

OK, technically it is not rotten, just a completely amateur effort. They had some interesting camera work and Slater and Sutherland of course do respectable acting jobs, but that is IT as far as things to like. Wow, the story is just SO lame, really not sure how they got those two guys to do the movie, but I am thinking it probably included a few dollar signs. The budget listed on IMDb is $5 million, I am assuming that each guy got a LEAST a million to swallow their pride and do this pig. Where to start with the bad stuff, hmmmm. Hiring actresses to be featured belly dancers in the same bar that they go to EVERY night that are obviously NOT, including the main actress who looks more like she has Parkinsons or something. Having the same actress be 3 women (without being recognized immediately) basically by switching wigs is very "supermannish" of them. She has a raised mole over her right eyebrow, kind of gives it away. And trying to present her as this ravishing beauty is also hiLARious! The main plot point about having to put the "retired US spy" on the case to figure out why someone is killing terrorists in Bulgaria is puzzling as well. Why the hell would we care? I swear this was written by kids in 6th grade, I could go on forever about the stupidity in the script. Even the title is meant to sound enticing, but is just infantile. Save yourself the 90 minutes and do just about ANYTHING else, this thing is a LAME JOKE!

It is a real shame to see all the crew perform really bad, and I mean really bad. Cameraman performance - zero. Editing? zero. Story? zero. Director? zero. The infamous Elika Portnoy (unknown and obscure actress and writer?, now it is clear why she is and will stay unknown) was/is so untalented and worthless that I was really tempted to fast forward the movie... It is also sad to see great actors like Christian Slater, Timothy Spall and the legendary Donald Sutherland (omg, did they really need that money?) being involved in this joke and, yes, also playing terribly! Is it contagious?And I really don't want to talk about the plot (story by Elika Portnoy?!?) which is so bad and flat and trite and and and... I am speechless.

Sorry to say, but this Bulgaria-made movie is by far the most idiotic piece of cinema you could possibly imagine. It is hard to believe this had a budget of 5 million to work with and I guess most of it went into paying Slater and Spall, whom I would hardly imagine will take the part without a substantial paycheck. Concentrating on the actual movie, I would start with the story, which is non-existent and so badly written you could hardly follow what exactly is going on. Advertised as an action movie, the action is so little you could easily fall asleep. The biggest fight scene between Slater and the woman near the end is banal and completely detached from the entire plot (if there is any plot at all), that it makes you wonder if they just needed Slater to be brutally beaten because he was so stupid to take the part. The woman, whose name I can't bother to remember is such a bad actress, it made me feel uncomfortable and I would strongly advice her to find a real job as acting can hardly get worse nowadays...not to mention how incredibly unnatural everything she does is. I never say this about any woman, but sometimes people who are obviously terrible actors are cast because of their good looks - not the case here unfortunately, but then again I doubt there were any auditions for the role as the actress is also the writer. Screenplay-wise I would say this is the most unrealistically portrayed Bulgaria ever seen. You see scenes more suited for Iraq or Afghanistan 20 years ago rather than Bulgaria. Buying typical Arab clothing on the street in a European country is very unusual even for a movie. I assume the author wanted to ridicule the current situation in Bulgaria, where corruption and organised crime are thriving but involving some middle-Eastern terrorists and basically making it look like Bulgaria is more or less the center of modern day terrorism is moronic. I am not going to discuss the endless belly dance scenes and perverted moments involving Slater in a public place seemingly having an orgasm, but one thing is certain - sexuality does not always sell!I would not recommend this piece of "action" to anyone, who considers themselves moderately intelligent! In fact I would not recommend it even as a joke as that would be too cruel!