New Alcatraz (2002)

Perfect cast and a good story

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

There are moments that feel comical, some horrific, and some downright inspiring but the tonal shifts hardly matter as the end results come to a film that's perfect for this time.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

I have been thinking hard about films that aren't very good lately, trying to come up with some kind of thesis.I am clear in my mind that this film is better than The Devil's Tomb. I was uncomfortable watching LL Cool J's forehead in that one. No such discomfort with New Alcatraz.We know there are bad films out there, B movies, shelf fillers. Some people prefer such films to Oscar-worthy material. And we're not likely to confuse the one with the other.I don't have sympathy with people who pick up a film likely to be awful, and then complain about it being awful.The approach to bad film is an ironic one. You have to find its qualities through repeated watching. It requires more work from the viewer than a good film which can just be experienced.1) Watch Dean Cain's emotional range when realises that he has lost someone close to him. 2) Consider everything that the two palaeontologists have to say about their science during the course of the film. 3) Admire Craig Wasson's use of the CCTV centre during all the various emergencies. 4) Bear in mind the prisoners from Con Air and then speculate on the nature of the villains in New Alcatraz. 5) Is this the only film to portray a half-decent Chechen? No check out the Russian film, War. 6) The Hall of Pillars is not bad, is it? They don't have that in The Devil's Tomb.

Boa (2001)* 1/2 (out of 4) Yet another "Creature Feature" with a silly creature and even sillier characters. This time out the government is in the Antarctic where they are building a new Alcatraz, which is going to hold the world's worst criminals. A notorious terrorist is one of the first six in the prison but it's still under construction when they accidentally dig to deep. Unfortunately for them it unleashes an eighty-foot snake that likes to eat humans. Husband and wife scientists (Dean Cain, Elizabeth Lackey) are called in with a SWAT team to take the beast out. Have you ever been watching a movie and fall asleep only to wake up what you think is a few minutes later and you look back at the TV and you're completely lost because you don't realize that you were actually sleeping a little over two hours and are now in a different movie? I had that feeling watching this movie (also known as NEW ALCATRAZ) because the thing skipped around way too much and had too many characters coming and going. At first we're with those building the prison. We then jump to the terrorist who ends up getting captured. We then jump to the scientist and their marital issues. When then jump to the snake a little bit. When then go back to a prison escape. When then forget the first few story lines and skip to something else. Finally, we get back to the snake but by now we're into the movie a good hour and wishing we could fall asleep. This is yet another horror movie with a bad CGI monster that appears funnier than it is scary. I'm sorry but when you see this large, fake snake you just can't take it too serious and in the end you'll be laughing at it more than anything. Snakes really give me the creeps so it's not good when someone like me isn't bothered by the creature. The characters really aren't any more interesting as they're the stereotypes you'd expect to see in something like this and it doesn't help that Cain is playing a scientist. The death scenes are all extremely weak and poor looking and those wanting the red stuff are going to be disappointed as well. BOA, or whatever title you want to call it, is pretty weak from start to finish so you might as well watch something else (but not PYTHON, which is even worse).

The movie is best described as any typical poorly produced horror type movie where the characters will do the stupidest things to get themselves killed for no reason (eg.-walking into places knowing that you'll be killed or not taking anyones obvious warnings). The acting itself was not bad but the movie doesn't make much sense as to how a giant snake can move around the prison but can't really be seen until at least the last 45 minutes of the film. Some scenes were just written poorly. for example, dean cain promises a prisoner her safety when she was freaking out about the snake eating her and 5 minutes later, all he did was shoot her (but not the snake) so she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of being eaten... I guess that's still keeping his word. I'm no animal expert but this snake goes around this prison eating a bunch of people...don't snakes eat and then go hide and sleep it off since they're most vulnerable when they are full?? I don't think it's even worth the time watching this film. if dean cain would show some skin, perhaps it's still worth the rental.

If I was going to build a maximum-security prison I'd build it in Slough, that way the convicts would be safer inside the jail and not try to escape.But does the American government ever listen to me? No they don't and shame on them! I've emailed George Bush at least a dozen times with my plans for a coal powered time machine and get NO response. If you're reading this George, when I've got it working I'm going back in time and punching a few extra holes in Al Gores cards! I know he'd listen!But I digress. Anyway you shouldn't build a maximum-security prison in Antarctica because everybody knows there are snakes trapped under the ice there that are 100ft long. But the American government ignores common sense and does it anyway. When will they learn? I mean I saw the plan that they came up with in Deep Impact to stop the comet (which was laughable) and their attempt to capture the Predator in Predator 2 was weak at best, so who comes up with these ideas?Anyway things go wrong, which I could have told them was going to happen, and a giant snake (surprise, surprise) starts eating people. Luckily Dean Cain shows up. At this point I was pretty sure that everyone was doomed, but plucky Dean and his wife manage to outsmart the snake and save everybody. Well, maybe not everybody. Actually it's just themselves, but the other people were criminals so they deserved death. So my embiggened marking systems records Boa (as it is called in the UK) as having achieved 7 Gi-ants (which is a combination of two words giant and ants. Gi-ants. Clever eh?) which is a universally acknowledged as being good. The name is accurate and there are some reasonable costumes.