Laser Mission (1990)

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

To all those who have watched it: I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do.

The story-telling is good with flashbacks.The film is both funny and heartbreaking. You smile in a scene and get a soulcrushing revelation in the next.

Unshakable, witty and deeply felt, the film will be paying emotional dividends for a long, long time.

I only watched this movie because I was bored one Sunday afternoon and I had received a Sci-Fi Classics collection as gift, and because it starred the late, great Brandon Lee, whom I only have seen in the movie "The Crow", which I loved. I love to watch cheesy low-budget sci-fi movies, and movies that are "so bad they're good", but this was neither. It was just horrible all around. Probably the most annoying part was the terrible sound quality. I would have to turn my TV's volume on maximum and I still couldn't hear the muffled dialog, yet soon afterward there would be a deafening sound effect. Haven't these people heard of boom mikes?Also, the story was a muddled mess, with basically Brandon running around, looking a lot like a poor man's Dean Cain, shooting black guys dressed in Army fatigues and being a jerk to the obligatory blonde sex-interest. I must admit, I liked the woman much more than Lee. Her cute 80's look and nice cleavage were the only things that kept me from completely tuning out this "movie". Someone else called this a B-movie, but that is giving it way too much praise.The things that usually make these types of movies appealing are mostly absent, like gratuitous violence (there is virtually none here), a sci-fi element (none), sex or nudity (none worth mentioning). etc. Why this was in a Sci-Fi collection is beyond me. And the main thing that bothered me: NO FREAKING LASERS!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CALL A MOVIE "LASER MISSION" AND NOT HAVE A SINGLE DAMN LASER IN IT?!?

Laser Mission in and of itself has everything required of a B-movie: bad acting, a plot of small significance, and that overall feeling that "this movie should have ended an hour ago." Perhaps the most hysterical part of the movie is its lack of a distinct location. The movie itself claims all the happenings are in Cuba. When Michael Gold arrives at the customs window he even cracks a joke, saying "Where can I get a good Cuban cigar?" However, later in the movie when Alyssa and Gold are driving the hippie van after their big chase scene, Gold speaks of driving to a border. Cuba... is an ISLAND. Islands don't border anything. Secondly, I don't recall Alyssa and Gold in a plane ever, so how would they get to Africa to drive into Namibia? Add to that all the KGB running around trying to thwart Gold, and the absurdly German-sounding Eckhardt, and you start to really get lost wondering where these people are and what they are doing there. Also, the sign that says "Murto ou vivo" in the hotel is Portuguese.As far as the acting, I love some parts, like the Cuban camp Gold parachutes into, with Manuel and Roberta. Their accents resemble that of people doing Spanish movies for their classes on YouTube. I also like them in the chase scene: Manuel- "Sergeant? You are no sergeant! You are a woman!" Roberta- "Loco! I have ALWAYS been a woman!" It also cracks me up when Alyssa is driving the hippie van in the chase scene and she is making faces and driving like she's driving a Maserati; one of those "My car and I ARE gorgeous" looks.Anyway, the video is definitely worth the 50 cents you pay for it... at least for me it was because it was a double-feature $1 DVD with another train-wreck... Abraxas.

Brandon Lee stars as 007 styled spy (Or he's a mercenary because the damn song that kept playing called him a mercenary, go figure) who travels to South Africa to rescue a scientist (Borgnine, in an accent that must be heard to be believed) from a bunch of goons who want Borgnine to turn a diamond into a laser weapon. (This plot angle certifies the level of credibility we are dealing with) Brandon Lee sure made a lot of bad movies in his day. With the overrated Rapid Fire, the mediocre (though watchable)Showdown In Little Tokyo and of course this movie, one can only conclude that The Crow really was his best effort. (Actually his Hong Kong produced movie Legacy Of Rage is supposed to be pretty good. I ordered it, to review it) Anyway Laser Mission is easily the worst from Brandon Lee but that's not to say it isn't entertaining. It is in fact ultimately hilarious. When Laser Mission starts we witness men put gas-masks on while the credits role and the Laser Mission theme plays and we meet people at a party, when the guy explains the caliber of quality of the diamond, the crowd breaks out in hilarious whistling. The directing apparently implies that this was filmed with a hand-held camera (the cheapest type) and people are gassed all for a diamond which looks really fake. Brandon Lee then arrives talks to Ernest Borgnine, gets shot with a dart and then wakes up in prison. He fights his way out and these action sequences are truly stilted. Worst of all is the acting from Debi Monahan (The Seinfeld chick who got killed, right?) Her high pitched squealing along with Lee's overly smug presence (Seriously Brandon Lee was an appealing actor, but not here) make for the funniest moments. Brandon Lee also dresses up as a Cuban, we see two Cuban soldiers who are movie's would be comic relief make the same jokes over and over again. The funniest part of the movie is the climax where we see Brandon Lee get shot at by the main bad guy but then run him over with the car. However when he gets shot at, he's standing outside the car, the next shot is edited of the car charging towards him. Hilarious. More unintentional hilarity ensues but hey this movie was only 2.99 and if you're a big time Brandon Lee fan, or a fan of camp this is perfect cheese.* out of 4-(Bad)

some OK fight scenes, nothing special tho, some gawd-awful dialog, definitely B-movie grade action, direction, plot, and effects. Where it was set.. maybe Africa? by way of Russian Cuba? confusing setting, but it was actually shot in a desert somewhere and that bit looks good. Poor Brandon was saddled with some truly horrible dialog, the chick side-kick (Debi A. Monahan), was OK. And although her greatest assets were definitely the 2 in front, at least her dialog was better. The bumbling enemy pair who eventually help them were actually amusing. The evil bad-guy who just won't die was rather amusing after awhile too, how many times to they have to kill him before he'll stay dead? a 3. Not really worth seeing. There are only 3 reason to see this movie it is Brandon Lee's 1st, has Ernest Borgnine, and Debi A. Monahan trying desperately not to fall out of her dress (and unfortunately succeeding). On the other hand - you can get it for $1 so it was actually worth the price, but not a penny more.