Scorpion with Two Tails (1982)

You won't be disappointed!

Great Film overall

A waste of 90 minutes of my life

The joyful confection is coated in a sparkly gloss, bright enough to gleam from the darkest, most cynical corners.

I've seen the following work from Sergio Martino: All the Colors of the Dark The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, The Case of the Scorpion's Tail, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and I've enjoyed them all. All twisted charming pieces of Italian cinema.But Scorpion with Two Tails, is a mess in most regards: Story, dialogue, acting, cinematography, editing, music, you name it is sucks. Fulci also produced 80s garbage like this, but at least they were bearable, they had some atmosphere, something to hold onto. Two Tails has nothing. My vote is to eliminate it from existence. I realized early on that this was garbage, but it had a certain atmosphere, very minimal, then it continued on this track and even got worse. I do not recommend you watch this at all. There is nothing here. There are certain films that are so bad that you can laugh at the crew and cast for the decisions made. This had maybe one or two such scenes. Not enough. I'll recommend that you watch "Laser Mission" by Brandon Lee for the best So Bad It's Great Film. That's a garbage film. However, if you manage to watch it to the end, and are aware of the mess in front of you, you will be rewarded. Two Tails, has nothing going for it. Not even reading the reviews will reward you with any insight. I consider "Suspiria" one of the worst films ever made. however, even in that film, there are moments that are decent, and moments of ridiculous nonsense that you can read about later. And that so many people love Suspiria, it is a study of societies to praise such nonsense. The idea that collectively people can love something that is utter crap, like a cult. When someone says "Believe Me" I think it's time to reconsider. Believe Me? No, I'd want to substantiate your comment. So, I think "Suspira" is a success because people have been told that it is great, so, "Believe Me" it's great. It's not. Dario Argento is a genius in fact because he didn't just make a film, he promoted it, "brainwashed" people thinking his films are "ART", they're not. His Crystal Plumage film, and "Four Flies" are pure trash. And most of what Bava has produced. Bava's best work was "Black Sabbath". Sergio Martino work was miles ahead of what Argento or Bava produced in the early days. Miles! Unfortunately, with Two Tails, he has a film that is below what Argento or Bava has produced. It's not worth watching, reading reviews, thinking about, nothing. It should be erased. Then, I can go back to hating Argento and Bava again. I will now pretend that Twin Tails does not exist!

I haven't seen a movie this downright horrible in a long time. Even movies that most people consider to be bottom of the barrel often have some, perhaps unintended, viewing value. The Scorpion with Two Tails is not such a film.Apparently, this film may have been intended as a giallo, and if handled properly, it could have been one. But instead, all we get is a totally wasted extended cameo of John Saxon, and an over abundance of the lead "actress" Elvire Audray. She gives new meaning to the term Casting Couch. Each scene where she encounters a dead body involves her seeing the corpse, screaming, then we immediately cut to another scene where she's no longer anywhere around the crime scene and she's totally fine.The hokey plot involves Audray's husband, Saxon, looking over some Etruscan tombs. Audray's father wants the crates of artifacts sent to him, but there are drugs in one of the crates, so you have a drug deal gone bad and characters wandering around without much to do except look at each other and some bad sculptures. Oh, and let's not forget the large quantities of maggots. Apparently, the director thinks that repeated close-ups of maggots constitutes a horror film. Anyway, Audray moves from man to man in this movie, trying to find the answer to the Etruscan riddles that may or may not include her as a re-incarnation of some whatever or something. There is no gore, only a few gunshot wounds poorly staged and way too many broken necks, as if breaking someone's neck is an easy thing to do for some average jerk who's into archaeology.There is nothing redeeming about this film, and I advise you to avoid it all the peril of your life because you will be bored to death.

Minor SpoilersIn New York, Joan Barnard (Elvire Audrey) is informed that her husband, the archeologist Arthur Barnard (John Saxon), was mysteriously murdered in Italy while searching an Etruscan tomb. Joan decides to travel to Italy, in the company of her colleague, who offers his support. Once in Italy, she starts having visions relative to an ancient people and maggots, many maggots. After shootings and weird events, Joan realizes that her father is an international drug dealer, there are drugs hidden in the tomb and her colleague is a detective of the narcotic department. The story ends back in New York, when Joan and her colleague decide to get married with each other, in a very romantic end. Yesterday I had the displeasure of wasting my time watching this crap. The story is so absurd, mixing thriller, crime, supernatural and horror (and even a romantic end) in a non-sense way. The acting is the worst possible, highlighting the horrible performance of the beautiful Elvire Audrey. John Saxon just gives his name to the credits and works less than five minutes, when his character is killed. The special effects are limited to maggots everywhere. The direction is ridiculous. I lost a couple of hours of my life watching 'Assassinio al Cimitero Etrusco'. If you have the desire or curiosity of seeing this trash, choose another movie, go to a pizzeria, watch TV, go sleep, navigate in Internet, go to the gym, but do not waste your time like I did. My vote is two.Title (Brazil): 'O Mistério Etrusco' ('The Etruscan Mystery')

The video of this I rented features lots of "Americanized" Italian names. I get how "Paolo Malco" (from MST3k's "Escape 2000") became "Paul Malco", but how did "Sergio Martino" become "Christia Plummer"?Anyhoo, this French/Italian coproduction tells the incredibly unengaging tale of some drugs hidden in some ancient burial tomb thingee and some other stuff happens and there may or may not be supernatural forces at work. Alan Hale jr-look-a-like Van Johnson (MST3k's "San Fransisco International") gives loooong expositional scenes, and John Saxon (MST3k's "Mitchell") gets his head twisted backwards (and apparently the killer also switched his right and left hands). Another victim looks like a cross between Michael Caine and Elmer Fishpaw from "Polyester". The music by Fabio Frizzi is just the score from "Gates of Hell" used again. The special effects are just maggots- maggots on photos, maggots on hands, maggots on statues. Anyway, it should go without saying, but don't watch this movie.