Teresa's Tattoo (1994)

Better Late Then Never

This is a small, humorous movie in some ways, but it has a huge heart. What a nice experience.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

Great example of an old-fashioned, pure-at-heart escapist event movie that doesn't pretend to be anything that it's not and has boat loads of fun being its own ludicrous self.

I have a policy when it comes to movies I've never heard of. 45 minutes. If a movie cannot garner my interest in 45 minutes, it's just not going to get any better. This movie did not make it past the 45 minute mark.It's an "all-over-place", wacky comedy that just never comes together. Somebody called in some favors here, because there are bunch of names you'll recognize, but it's all wasted.You can get away with doing some things outside the box, if you're a talented director. Tarantino did it with Pulp Fiction the same year this came out, but Julie Cypher is NOT Tarantino. As of this writing, this movie is over 20 years old, and Cypher has not made another.The whole mess falls flat, and the point came home when a shootout was punctuated with on-screen words like "BLAMMO" and "POWIE". It was straight out of the 1960's Batman TV series.I caught my 45 minutes on free cable. I suggest you don't waste even that much time.

Teresa's Tattoo was Julie Cypher's second and last effort as a director we can all hope. My guess is that Lou Diamond Phillips, her husband at the time must have cashed in a bunch of favors from his Hollywood friends to get his wife this gig as a feature director. Her first effort was a short back in 1990.A whole lot of people who came to prominence in the Eighties were gathered together for this inept comedy about a pair of doppleganger girls, one of whom dies while in the custody of kidnappers. Seems as though she's wearing earrings that contain holograph messages with data on the space program. Though who might have wanted it in 1995 with the Cold War over is beyond me.Anyway poor Adrienne Shelley who plays the dead original kidnap victim and her lookalike who some gangsters hired by the Feds (yes, you read that right)grab instead because they think this is a ransom snatch proves a good deal smarter than any of the people trying to kidnap or rescue her. She's a math major, what would you expect? This film is like a class reunion, look at the cast members, C. Thomas Howell, Casey Siemaszko, Nancy McKeon, Lou Diamond Phillips, Matt Adler, Joe Pantoliano, all came up about ten years earlier. Even Kiefer Sutherland has an unbilled part as a deputy sheriff and he could certainly be considered a contemporary.The jokes fall flatter than Dorothy Gale's Kansas plains, everyone looks pained, some like Lou Diamond Phillips who know they're in a gobble gobble contest make up for it by overacting outrageously. Lou looked like he was in dress rehearsal for the part he had in The Big Hit which was a much funnier film.Kiefer Sutherland was the smartest guy in the bunch, he didn't take any billing for this.

I happened upon this movie at a pay-per-view movie site. Seeing an opportunity to watch a movie without heading to the video store was very appealing. So, after reviewing 10 or 12 titles, I settled on Teresa's Tattoo partly because of the premise, partly because of actor Lou Diamond Phillips- The Big Hit, Stand and Deliver.What was really interesting was seeing a number of popular actors in this movie that are uncredited as the top billers in the print ads- Joe Pantoliano, Teppi Hedren and more- executing a poorly directed script. This is probably a movie they would like to disassociate themselves.The movie, as a whole, was poorly executed as an entertainment vehicle. The script lacked the comedic flow necessary to evoke substantial laughter from this viewer. There were a few funny moments (particularly the desk sergeant/police officer scene with Teresa/Gloria (Adrienne Shelley)), but most of the scenes fell flat.Rating: 4/10

Why do you want to see this movie? Is it for the stars? Go see them in something else. Is it for the music? Go find a CD. Is it for the plot? No, wait, it couldn't be. The movie has no plot! What's there is pointless and clueless. But wait! The movie does have a saving grace: the CAMEOS. Melissa Etheridge as a hooker, and k.d. lang as (oh my goodness) a born-again Christian! Nancy McKeon also puts in a delightful performance.