Warlords (1989)

When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

The plot isn't so bad, but the pace of storytelling is too slow which makes people bored. Certain moments are so obvious and unnecessary for the main plot. I would've fast-forwarded those moments if it was an online streaming. The ending looks like implying a sequel, not sure if this movie will get one

Blistering performances.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

Leave it to the unsparingly pathetic Fred Olen Ray to spit out one of the worst, most hideously drab and annoying two-cent post-nuke sci-fi action snorefests to ever feebly limp its way across your TV screen. A haggard, burnt-out, desperate hack actor for hire David Carradine assumes stoically rugged heroic duties as Dow, a cranky DNA-enhanced synthetic super warrior who wanders the arid, infertile nuclear fallout devastated desert lugging around Ammo, a gnarled, prune-like malformed talking head with spindly arms, a mouth full of snaggle teeth, and constantly rolling googly eyes who's forever ripping into Dow with an endless barrage of tiresomely witless caustic quips (Ammo's trebly, piercing tenor whine is pure murder on the ears). You see, Dow wants to get both his hot honey wife (slinky minx Brinke Stevens) and a cowed, spineless gene-splicing scientist (meek Robert Quarry) back from the wicked, megalomaniacal the Warlord (grandly overplayed with trademark leering, lip-smacking élan by Sid Haig, who also served as 2nd unit director), a sleazy gun-running greedy mercenary (gravel-voiced Ross Hagen, who in better days directed the 70's grindhouse hoot "The Glove"), and the Warlord's loyal army of disfigured mutants (actually just a bunch of extras in tattered rags and dimestore gas masks). Dow's aided on his brave mission by profoundly unappealing smartaleck distaff survivalist Danny (an insufferably peevish Dawn Wildsmith, Fred's buxom, blowzy redhead former real-life wife) and Colonel Cox ("Repo Man" 's Fox Harris doing his standard flaky in-his-own-singular-orbit shtick), who's an incessantly jabbering bicycle-carrying fruitcake.This is your characteristically substandard by-the-numbers dreadful Fred Olen Ray bilge, replete with flat, graceless cinematography, a grindingly trite cookie cutter script, a noisy, blaring, guitar-screeching trash-rock score, lousy sarcastic dialogue ("Would you slow down, I'm gonna be sick!," a captured lass yells to her abductors in a speeding automobile), lethargic pacing, slackly staged action (mostly crummy shoot-outs, uninspired car chases, and tired hand-to-hand fisticuffs, with a few brightly exploding cars saved for the pitifully unexciting "let's blow what's left of the paltry budget" last reel finale), deeply irritating and hopelessly unfunny sardonic, insult-laden rat-a-tat-tat banter between Dow and Danny, a light sprinkling of gratuitous nudity (perpetually topless B-picture starlets Michelle Bauer and Debra Lamb briefly appear so their shirts can get torn off to expose their bare breasts), no semblance of style, facility or distinctive individual flair to be discerned from the nondescript direction, disconcertingly over-familiar Bronson Canyon locations (Al Adamson's old shooting grounds, no less), slipshod editing, cheap, not-convincing-for-a-second (way less then) special effects (the cheesy matte painting at the start of the film is atrocious, while the laughable, rubbery phony puppet noggin Ammo takes the booby prize), and the sad, spirit-deflating sight of watching a handful of weary, washed-out veteran thespians embarrass themselves royally for the sake of a quick, easy paycheck. So bad it's not even enjoyable on a something-for-nothing schlock movie level, this unbearably talky, hardly-any-story, skimpy-on-action, but heavy-on-tedium low-budget loser like nuclear war itself should be avoided at all costs.

Surely someone like David Carradine would be smart enough to getting involved in this low budget rubbish. This movie is the pits, low budget, daft story-line, a puppet mutant and a rip off Mad Max two. It has a interesting side story, of an army officer who comes a likely Allie of the Heroes in this movie. For someone who is a high ranking army officer, he seems to be a imbecile who couldn't even run a ant farm, let along an army. Interesting at the start, it shows him coming out of what appears to be a white van, than a underground bunker. Why is he alone, wouldn't there been other soldiers with him. Later he shows up, appearing to have live in a desert for years, yet his uniform is in good shape, like it been iron the night before, and chances it was, its not even dirty or ragged for someone who sleeping in the desert for years.There is many boobs, even with the opening scenes of two babes been chase by bandits over the desert, when they catch them, rip off their tops, revealing their boobs. There is another sense, with the warlord, were it appears one of the bandits is push into the front of the camera by one of the film crew.I only watch half the movie, when the puppet shows up, i had enough of this and switch it off in disgust, well i really fast forward to see if there was anything Elsa worth worthing. There wasn't.Don't watch this movie, watching an ant crawling up the wall would be far better waste of time, than watching this brain dead, low budget, crap feast.

Yeah, it's dreadful. If you see it in a video store, there will usually be some empty space on either side - the nearby movies have subtly scootched themselves over, for fear this movie is contagious.My favorite bit was the "mutants" who have become dependent on radium in the atmosphere. Therefore, they have to wear gas masks with _radium in them_ in order to breathe. The fact that this allows the hero to kill the same three guys over and over again is purely coincidental, I'm sure. I can just imagine the director talking to these guys: "OK, after you get shot, we'll pan away for a second. Run around the tent and attack again. Then go the other way. It'll be great"It's also rather amusing to note that, while civilization seems to have completely collapsed, silicone breast implant technology seems to have survived intact. Either that, or it's an effect of the radiation.

I sure hope the actors working in Fred Olen Ray's films are having fun when they're making them. Because we, the viewer, sometimes have no fun at all.Enter WARLORDS. Some sort of MAD MAX-inspired cheese that has really little point(except for blowing up a few cars, and displaying some of the cheapest effects since GHOULIES), WARLORDS is insulting to everyone's intelligence. Anyone who finds this entertaining should go back to the hospital, 'cause you've gotta be sick to like this.Dawn Wildsmith, once married to Fred Olen Ray, is the damsel in distress, Sid Haig is the bad guy, there is bad chase music, a mutant sidekick, and caves. What Fred Olen Ray movie would be complete without some cave footage(perhaps he is homaging EEGAH?)WARLORDS is probably no worse than all the other films that Fred Olen Ray directed that year, but this is hardly bragging rights. When the measuring stick is this short, what's the point in playing at all?