The Ninja Mission (1984)

Strong and Moving!

How sad is this?

Captivating movie !

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

Dr. Markov (Broberg) is a scientist who looks a lot like Raymond Burr. He has developed some sort of alternative energy source and is guarding his discovery with his life, literally. The KGB kidnap him and his nightclub singer daughter Nadia (Hanna Pola in her only credited role to date), and the CIA do the one logical thing the CIA might do in a case like this: they unleash a Swedish ninja to clean up the mess. Complicating things are some UN jerk named Abelman (Hans Rosteen, also a one-timer) and a crazy Russkie named Ivan (director Helge). Sure enough, lots of silly intrigue ensues, in between the action scenes, of course. Will the ninja complete his mission? Find out today! The Ninja Mission is an acknowledged cult classic, and, impressively, one of the top-grossing movies ever to come out of Sweden. Worldwide, surely it made a large profit from its low budget. For those that think the only director of merit to come from Sweden is Ingmar Bergman, behold the great Mats Helge. While he improved upon The Ninja Mission with his later Russian Terminator (1989), there's plenty to admire about this particular 'Mission. The whole thing looks better than some of Helge's other efforts, thanks to some higher-tier widescreen photography with some nice lighting schemes (when they're not too dark, that is). Sure, there may be some stilted dialogue/ADR work, and even though the plot doesn't make much sense (not that we're complaining about that), Helge still feels the need to put in a ton of silly, unnecessary dialogue scenes explaining everything. He continued this with Russian Terminator. Also to admire his the fact that he threw caution to the wind and figured ninjas need not be Japanese. It was the 80's Ninja Boom after all, and movies like this gave it a special cache.But perhaps we're burying the lead here. We should have started by using the now-classic phrase "Fat Swedish Guy Punching Ninjas". That's all you need to know, really. But it clearly seems all the attention and energy went into the action scenes, and that makes sense, because that's why were all here in the first place, right? On top of some rather wacky ninja fights, there are some classic throwing stars, car chases, and a lot of gun-shooting. Even though they're regular guns, they make a laser-style - not 'pew pew', the budget might not have allowed for that - here it's simply a short, curt 'pew'. Why the guns make this odd noise is never explained. Unlike everything else, which is over-explained (yet makes no sense). See what we mean? A lot of the violence was saved for the climax, and it is indeed a doozy. There's also the Prerequisite Torture, and the 80's vibe is strong and powerful. This comes across well in the nightclub scene, when Nadia (wearing a killer outfit), for rights reasons channels her inner 'Bat Penatar' with her tune "Baby You Ran Away'. But, perhaps, in the end, Director Helge decided the hero was too young , virile and capable, and for his next ninja outing got an elderly Kenny Rogers lookalike to do all the hard-hitting action. God bless him for that.We're not sure if every VHS edition is cut, but we believe most, if not all the 80's releases are, including the one on Media. It's important, should you choose to buy this movie, that you get the DVD edition, as it's uncut, and the violent bits are the most entertaining bits for the most part, and the movie would be a heck of a lot duller without them. It's a shame to think people watched versions like that throughout the years, but it didn't stop the movie from being a big success. Imagine if they saw the uncut version from the jump - the movie would have been huge! Additionally, it should probably be pointed out that a Jeanette Jaquelle is credited as a continuity girl, but her credit is misspelled as "Continuety Girl". Perhaps she wasn't paying attention. But, after all, it's the "English As a Second Language" charm that, truly, in the end, keeps The Ninja Mission and other Helge movies afloat. At least for us.Despite some slow passages, The Ninja Mission is deserving of its cult status and has some great moments. We'll continue to champion the work of Mats Helge if we can get a hold of any more of it.

Recap: Doctor Markov has developed a new theory how to produce energy, knowledge that might unbalance the world. He keeps his knowledge coded and secret and desperately wants out of the Soviet Union. KGB on the other side desperately wants the new technology. So, they sets a scheme in motion. During a rescue attempt to free Markov, KGB steps in, takes Markov to a secret location and lures him to reveal his secret by saying they are in Sweden, and working for the UN. As a backup, KGB kidnaps Markov's estranged daughter. CIA now send their best agents, a team of (Swedish?) Ninjas to thwart KGB and rescue Markov and his daughter.Comments: A cult movie that despite not being very good needs seeing. The movie is quite ambitious but lacking in many areas. First off is that it is very dark, probably to conceal locations and bad effects, that some scenes are hard to comprehend. You can't see what is happening. The second thing that it is lacking is martial arts, despite being a ninja-movie. Sure there are some, of quite poor quality, but mostly the ninjas fires automatic guns or sets of explosions. The automatic guns pose a problem too as they seem to have a endless supply of ammunition. And the ninjas seem almost immune to bullets while Soviet guards die like flies.What does it have that speaks for it then? The idea and ambition foremost. Some actually, and especially for a Swedish movie, decent action-scenes albeit not of martial arts. Some nice slow-motion scenes and pretty much blood and gore. And some very interesting new weapons technology that makes the victims heart or brain explode. Mostly all parts that you look for in a B-movie.Because it definitely is a B-movie, no mistake could be made there. But if you expect it, and watch it like a B-movie, it is entertaining. But don't forget, it is not only a B-movie it is set in the eighties. Some girls, for example, besides wearing... lets say "interesting" clothes, have lethal doses of eye shadow and makeup.In all, see for the cult status and the ambition. Enjoy it, and then forget it.4/10

Even 20+ years later, Ninja Mission stands out as the worst movie I ever managed to sit through. Scandanavian ninjas silently enter a scene, fire their obnoxiously noisy sub-machine guns with wild abandon, and then silently leave. Wow, how will we find those silent invisible assassins? Just follow the shell casings and smoke!Painfully bad dialog (or was it brilliant and just poorly translated?), not an Asian in sight in the cast, and a whopping total of 3 Asians among the stunt crew. The plot is ridiculous, the acting pretty much non-existent - then again, ninja can't act! Save yourselves - avoid watching at all costs!

This is the magnum opus from the Swedish king of crap, Mats-Helge Olsson. Seldom has a movie of this magnitude been made in Sweden and it truly stands out as one of the most amazing achievements in Swedish film to date. Who pays for these things? The Russian nuclear scientist Markov wants to defect to Sweden. But his plans are ruined by the Russian military who kidnap him and tell him that he has arrived in Sweden. This trickery is their way of seeing to that Markov continues his work in nuclear physics that will revolutionize the energy supply for the whole planet. The CIA however is bent on getting Markov to the west and send their ninja to liberate him.The practice of having Swedish actors speaking English is something that Mats-Helge has perfected in his later works. The cheap b-movie feeling this creates is probably unmatched for performance. But besides this? Well the action is standard direct-to-video style. Machine guns firing huge clouds of smoke. Thousands of Russians dying. People running around in black ninja suits, trying to hide in the snow.What really stands out though is the insanely poor way the fighting scenes are choreographed. When they say "Ninja" in the title i expect martial arts, i expect close combat. But there are maybe two or three scenes of actual martial arts in this movie. And they are hilarious. It's so bad i lack the words to describe it. If the ninjas moved any slower their hearts would stop. And of course the whole movie ends in a bang that indicates a special-effects budget consisting of four food-stamps and a McDonald's voucher.So what's the verdict? Instant classic of course. Never before has a movie been made that is so obviously meant to be consumed along with huge amounts of alcohol. It's the ultimate party movie. Insert into video and laugh. One just has to realize that movies like these are not made any more. This is film history.Therefore the rating is 8/10 for entertainment, 1/10 for quality and 10/10 for accents.