Bikini Spring Break (2012)

This is an astonishing documentary that will wring your heart while it bends your mind

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

There is, somehow, an interesting story here, as well as some good acting. There are also some good scenes

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

Coach Gill (Robert Carradine) gives Zoe a camera but she and Alice end up flashing their boobs unknowingly on the jumbo screen. Dean Hanlo sends the band to the national. Zoe, Alice, Whitney, Michelle, and Franny don't want to fly and drive a school bus cross country to Florida. The bus breaks down after Zoe puts in gas instead of diesel and they struggle to make money to fix the bus. Constance is a local out to stop the immorality of Spring Break. This is a stupid sexploitation movie but it knows its target audience. It's boobs, boobs, and more boobs. It's a bunch giggly young women flashing their boobs for the young male audience. It's not more than that and less than a real movie.

Bikini Spring Break is one stock instrumental song and softcore sex scene away from being the perfect late-night, Skinemax fare and should be treated/critiqued like a film from the genre that decided to deviate off-course and venture into feature-film, raunchy comedy territory. Films like these are always an interesting breed, a breed I find myself sneering at or simply ignoring as their life is generally defined by existing in a Redbox machine or a lonely DVD shelf, bearing throwaway covers, horrible acting, and a screenplay dedicated to the appreciation of breasts and buttocks in a juvenile, crass sense rather than an artistic one.Biking Spring Break lures one in with the assumption it will be just that, but also a film with some more intriguing promise in the comedy realm, while in reality, its existence is heavily questionable and its overall effect is moot at best. Never in my life would I have thought a film with its title could be such a dreary slog through prepubescent humor and bikini-clad drudgery, but even the immature soul inside me couldn't muster up enough excitement to be anything other than momentarily entertained by such a ridiculous and redundant film. This film desperately needed a visit from the likes of B-movie, softcore guru Jim Wynorski, who could take all the breasts in this film and put them to more of an artistic, humorous use with more flair and excitement.The film follows a group of college-age coeds, who are a part of their community college's marching band, run by the lackadaisical and careless Gil (Robert Carradine). Despite being abysmal marchers, the girls of the group are incredibly passionate about what they do, frequently trying to make the best out of every situation and win over the hearts of the crowd. The girls now must make it to a competition hundreds of miles away, but realize this plan has become a near impossibility with their bus breaking down and in dire need of a new motor. Being its spring break weekend, the girls realize their only hope of gathering up the money to either rent a new bus or fix their current one is to take part in some racy spring break activities, such as Jello-wrestling and wet t-shirt contests, all while trying to resist the call of a local activist who is trying to ban nudity at all spring break events.I don't really bother focusing too much of my reviews on the quality of acting because it's difficult to analyze "good" or "bad" acting without providing specific examples and evolving past basic generalities that are clouded by buzzwords. However, the acting in Bikini Spring Break deserves a mention for its array of uninspired actresses. Most of the actresses read lines as if they are testing them out through the first table read, while others recite lines with the same kind of dreary stiffness you'd expect out of a group of people who were forced against their will to be a part of someone's passion project. The only one who seems to actually be trying here is Carradine and even he isn't worth noting too much.The biggest issue with the film is a common one with these direct-to-DVD films that convey the idea and assumption of debauchery and lewd events when they deliver so very little of those things. It's a problem I call "promise vs. delivery," where the film occasionally wants to be dirty and quite graphic but overall doesn't want to go that far. If you're film is titled "Bikini Spring Break" and you cop out at the occasional breast-shot and wet t-shirt contest, it's the equivalent of mentally preparing yourself for a party and knocking back two light beers before saying "I quit." Bikini Spring Break at least has the saving grace of being consistently funny in a mild-to-moderate sense, never making the audience bust a gut but at least throwing in enough laughs to where the comedy brand of the film is at least alive and kicking. Yet even with such humor can't make up for the abundance of poor acting and incredible lack of the exact thing the film should boast and embrace. The entire project feels like one of direct-to-DVD cinema's greatest cop outs.NOTE: I didn't discover until shortly after writing this review that Bikini Spring Break was released by The Asylum, a film company that has predicated their very existence off of very low budget action movies and cheap, poorly-conceived "mockbusters," or films that bear similar features to recent theatrical releases of the time. Bikini Spring Break is actually The Asylum's take on Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers and perfectly shows how one can be a stimulating critique of society and the other can be challenged for a very reason to exist.Starring: Rachel Alig, Virginia Pertucci, and Robbert Carradine. Directed by: Jared Cohn.

Please read in a slow sad and depressed voice.I don't think I'll ever comprehend the mind of a woman, and why they do these things. Once again this film caters to social degenerates who never got any in the real. Or frat boy douche bags. There's no story, except woman get naked and wet and act like complete sluts. That's the moral of this film, women are objects that serve one purpose to men. The characters are portrayed as complete morons, but that's what makes them completely realistic. It's a bad movie, front and back. In fact, it's not even a movie, but more of a girls gone wild feature length film. These types of movie really make me question life, and if I should ever even get involved with another human being, the safe bet is no, keep doing what your doing. The film has no plot, no nothing. There is a reason why stuff like this is free on the internet, and why it should be kept away from film.This movie saddens me deeply, but everything portrayed in the film is 100 percent realistic, so people don't need a paycheck to do this kind of stuff. I honestly tied not to fast forward through it, but it was mentally abusive, and I couldn't take it anymore.Here is a sad and depressing review, as always, stay away from this film. Unless you're a fan of Asylum films, then knock your self out. Seriously.

From the cover DVD photo you can tell that the girls are as old as Saggy Maggie, and the one with the red wig is chubby as hells. Comedy my asshole. Keep looking if you want to watch a sexy comedy. There are two things that I do not do...guys and this movie. OMG why did I watch this movie for almost 22 minutes? My rabbit was recharging, and I needed to kill some time. The old and dated "Bikini Carwash Company" and "Bikini Summer" do a better blowjob of movie entertainment than this piece of poo-poo. Yes, I said it. Poo-poo and Doo-Doo is what this movie makes me think of when it is on the television. If there had been some "2Girls1Cup" action going' on in this one, at least it would have been shocking. Next time, just go for the gold and watch "Showgirls" 1995 with Jesse Spano. It's a guaranteed full on c-chubby.