Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

Yawn. Poorly Filmed Snooze Fest.

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

A lot of perfectly good film show their cards early, establish a unique premise and let the audience explore a topic at a leisurely pace, without much in terms of surprise. this film is not one of those films.

There's no way I can possibly love it entirely but I just think its ridiculously bad, but enjoyable at the same time.

Three kids in a dysfunctional suburban family -- mopey older brother John (writer/director Jon McBride), chipper sister Denise (perky Denice Edeal) and precious younger brother Tom (cute Tom Casiello) -- are left alone with their mean, annoying, overbearing religious fanatic old battle axe Aunt Tess (an outrageously hammy Patricia McBride) when their jolly dad (amiable Perren Page) goes away for the weekend on a business trip. Things turn sour when Tom accidentally kills the nasty old bat. The three siblings dispose of her corpse by stuffing it in a woodchipper. Matters are complicated when no-count sleazeball cousin Kim (a perfectly slimy Kim Bailey) comes poking around looking for Aunt Tess. Boy, does this alarmingly atrocious, but often uproarious and thus oddly enjoyable ghastly marvel possess all the right so wonderfully wretched stuff to rate as a total four-star stinkeroonie: hopelessly amateurish acting from a game no-name cast, plodding (non)direction, a slight, talky script, poky pacing, cruddy shot-on-grainy-video photography, hissy sound quality, a mechanically bouncy score, hilariously horrible dialogue ("We?! What's all this we stuff? You're the one that killed her!"), a gleefully deranged sense of pitchblack humor, and a meandering story. Moreover, there's a playfully dark and deviant oddball sensibility evident throughout which not only makes the whole movie feel like a third-rate drawn-out sitcom pilot gone seriously mental, but also gives this picture an undeniable kooky charm that's impossible to dislike. A so sick and shoddy that it's paradoxically spectacular sidesplitting riot.

I've never actually seen this film but can tell you one thing about its production. While a comedy/oldies radio DJ in 1988, I got a call from the production company. They asked if I'd write and record a bit they'd drop into the soundtrack as sounds eminating from a TV (the television screen itself would never be shown). I said sure, wrote a parody of '50s sci-fi monster clichés, rounded up some sound effects and called in another DJ, Pam Landry, to play the female part. As she happened to be on the air at the time, she put on a long song, joined me at the mike in the production room and we cut the voicetrack in a single take. Giggling, she then went back to her show while I mixed in the goofy sound effects. We'd have never done it if we'd known that "Woodchipper Massacre" was going to be such a turkey -- but, then again, we never got paid for our efforts, either! -- Gary Theroux

**May Contain Spoilers**Oh, boy, just what the world needed–another fright flick from Donna Michelle Productions, the same outfit that gave us CANNIBAL CAMPOUT. Director McBride himself plays a lad who, along with brother Tom Casiello and sister Denice Edeal, are left in the care of their bitchy Aunt Tess. Tessie objects to everything that's fun including trashy horror flicks like this one. Matters come to a head when young Tom receives a Rambo survival knife in the mail and the old bag catches him with it. "You give that to me!" she screeches, so of course he does– about five inches of steel right in the gizzard. Denice looks down at the bloody corpse and cheerfully chirps, "Now you'll never get that ten-speed!" There's the slight matter of what to do with the body, and how to deal with a nosy intruder, until the kiddies remember the handy wood-chipper in the back yard. Unlike CANNIBAL CAMPOUT this flick is deliberately dopey and doesn't take itself at all seriously. The fact that the young actors emote like students in a school pageant only adds to the hilarity. It's also more restrained in the gore department; as with many "massacre" movies the lurid title makes it seem more horrible than it actually is. By the way, Tess is played by Patricia McBride; could it be that Jon's whole family is as sick as he is? I certainly hope so! One of Aunt Tess's gripes is that horror movies incite people to violence. This movie, based on a real case in Connecticut, proves that art, especially bad art, imitates life instead.

Mr. Casiello's performance as victim #4 was stunning. His smile as he was being stabbed can only be compared to that of the popular AMC actor, Forbes March. Mr. Casiello is indeed an up and comer. His appearance was brief and will make everyone forget March. Mr. Casiello brings a style to the genre that can only be described as unique. I look forward to his next project.