The Hoarder (2015)

Wonderful Movie

To me, this movie is perfection.

Just perfect...

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

This is another storage unit horror story, (Storage, Self Storage, Blood Shed, Storage 24, The 13th Unit). Ella (Mischa Barton) with the help of a friend (Emily Atack) finds her way into a self storage unit belonging to her fiancée. Oh yes it is near closing time as usual and they only have a few minutes and no cell phone reception. The following is generic plot spoilers for this and all the films mentioned:Wrong Unit...Check.Something deadly in unit...checkOther people there also including someone who lives in one of the units...checkClosing time and lock down prevent their leaving....checkIf I recall my high school biology, if you staple a person's mouth shut, life expectancy can not be too long.I watched the film and felt like I have seen it at least a half dozen times before, thinking it had been released previously under a different title. I didn't see this film being done any better than the other two star productions...except for maybe that one with Eric Roberts. Been there. Done that.Guide: F-word. No sex or nudity.

This film in theory should be amazing and creepy as hell. Instead, the only thing scary is the acting by the mono tone Mischa Barton. Three minutes in and I am in pain watching her. Ten minutes in and I realise that, in order to make it through this film I will have to pretend its a spoof comedy and pray she dies at the end for my satisfaction. I am only thirty minutes in and more bad actors have presented themselves which leads me to believe it was the director who must have been drunk on set to allow this film to go into production. To summarise, storage units are creepy, its a great story line but utterly ruined by acting that could have been out staged by a school play starring five year olds. If I make it through the rest of the film without chewing my own arm off out of frustration i shall include an update, if i don't....

Not a terrible movie, but certainly not great. I thought the idea was very promising for a horror movie. Storage units are creepy. I'm not sure what happened to Mischa Barton, but somewhere along the line she has completely forgotten how to act. She was just horrible in this. She was constantly over acting and obvious about it.The movie itself was fairly decent, not a lot of special effects to ruin it, and a pretty decent twist to the story that I didn't see coming.Not a bad movie to watch if you are a fan of horror, but don't expect too much.

We're closing in on Halloween, which means every horror director on the planet is doing everything they can to get their, more than likely, terrible film ready for release. Which also means that every bad actor and actress on the same planet, is doing what he/she has to do to land a role in one of these, more than likely terrible films (Hello, Mischa Barton.) So, we have 'The Hoarder.' About a group of strangers trapped in a storage facility. This has been done numerous times before, and never really reaches it's full potential, because every director tries to do too much with such simple material. 'Storage 24' is one of the more recent attempts, which I have yet to rate/review. Let me just say, I'd probably go with that one over 'The Hoarder.' What really hurts this film, is the characters and acting. There isn't a single likable character in the film, and each actor/actress seems to be hell bent on showing us just how terrible they really can be. I'm reading reviews about how unbelievably bad Mischa Barton has become - and the first thought that pops into my head is, when has she ever been good? Did I miss the single moment in the history of cinema, where she wasn't bad?As for the rest of the cast - Jamie Bacon goes all out trying to make a name for himself, by being the worst actor in the film, while Andrew Buckley waddles around, chasing people at a pace that is probably equivalent to a crippled man in a wheel chair. Anything this film had going for it, up until you discover the 'twist,' is erased, when you realize you're going to see more of Andrew Buckley's blubber flapping around, as he struggles to capture his next victim.Random Ramblings of a Madman: Andrew Buckley, please, for the love of Jesus Christ - do not ever run again in a film or in public. I hate being the one to tell you this, but you're fat - and you can't act.