Lethal Ninja (1992)

Simply Perfect

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

Actress is magnificent and exudes a hypnotic screen presence in this affecting drama.

For Fans of bad movies, Amazon Prime is a gold mine. The vast majority of the selections go from the ridiculous to the redonkulous, including Bloodlock, Breeders, and Night of the Demon (a personal favorite). I added Lethal Ninja to my watchlist hoping for the David Heavener vehicle featured on Best of the Worst. It wasn't. Oh Lordy it wasn't. I was roughly five minutes into it when I heard my doorbell ring. I thought it was the ringing in my head (watch the movie and you'll understand), but it persisted. I opened the door, and there stood Miss Watson exclaiming "Face it, tiger! You just hit the jackpot." Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Hell yes! If Amazon Prime is a schlock mine, I just hit the motherlode.Two "actors" pretending to be Michael Dudikoff and Steve James go to Africa(?) to rescue not-Michael's wife from the clutches of Dr. Evil if he were played by the child of Sigfreid and Roy. Instead of going "plot point" by "plot point", I think I'll just state what the "film" has going for it.A Fake Nostradamus prophecy about a savior from the east, who comes from the west.A ninja who feels it necessary to teach people how to breathe. It's difficult, I know.The most effeminate yet clichéd villain I've ever seen, down to the monocle and black cigarette holder.The Carousel of Carnage.A song that reminded my of my acid reflux disease.The Roller Derby of Death. Should this film ever catch on, this scene will be up there with the popcorn scene in Troll 2 and the horny nurse scene in Samurai Cop. It's that incomprehensible.A hapless ninja who get belted in the face with the backblast from a rocket launcher. Not intentionally.The Waterslide of Slaughter.Acting that can best be described as a cry for help.So much non-medy that Rich Evans will kill himself.Lastly, a plot that's harder to follow than Miami Connection.Lethal Ninja is amazing. I just watched it, and it's already one of my favorite bad movies. I wanted to give it ten stars, but I thought that would be misleading, so it's bottomed out. Just like the alcoholics who made this.

Where to start? This movie is crap. I didn't watch the whole thing but I saw enough to know that this movie makes most low budget films look like masterpieces, OK maybe that is a bit too harsh.The movie starts off with a helicopter flyover that looks like its from the 60's. As it goes on it looks it may have been made in the late 70's or early 80's. But that isn't the worst part.The acting in the movie is simply horrible. Some of the worst acting I have ever seen. The guys wife sees her scientific base blow up and just stays there with a stupid look on her face.Another annoying thing about the movie is its crappy audio that makes the movie look like it was 50% dubbed.There's nothing quite like the refreshingly annoying and destructing movie with dubbed audio that makes you second guess every actors voice.The best part of the movie is the choreography. Just take a moment to ponder the wonderful choreography that was in such TV shows as Batman (1960's). Now take even more uncoordinated actors and doubles and add slow motion. That kinda sums up how crappy the fight scenes are.This movie is almost unbearable. Go see it or rent it on DVD (why in the hell would they release it on DVD anyways) if you want to torture yourself or someone you love.

*Mild Spoilers*Yossi Wein is the God of awful Bulgarian productions that usually fall into the "so bad it's good" category. This was his directorial debut and is probably his second best work to date in terms of laugh out loud entertainment with only Disaster (aka Sudden Damage, Cult Of Fury) beating it. Make no mistake, it's a p*ss poor film with absolutely no redeeming values what so ever, but that's why this is worth watching. It's so awful in every angle that it needs to be seen to be believed, and is so entertaining. I have seen a lot of bad movies and although this is by no means the lowest quality (that award would go to Urban Menace/Corrupt/The Wrecking Crew), I don't thin I've ever seen anything so goofy that tries to take itself seriously.OK, where do I start? It was filmed in South Africa and all of the cast appear to be local including several who have no other starring role listed on IMDb which is hardly surprising given the performances they pull off. Although it is set in Africa, they even manage to mess things up badly with this. Firstly, both the lead and "Dominique" are supposed to be American but it doesn't explain the thick South African accents. Not only do they not try to put on an accent, the acting level of them (and the entire cast) is absolutely abominable. I don't think I've ever seen a film with a worse display of non acting from absolutely everyone involved. The award for the worst performance goes to the scientist who gets killed at the beginning who says "We've got no time for visitors, tell them to go away". The way in which that line is delivered is indescribably awful. The worst performance from anybody who has a significant amount of screen time is from Karyn Hill who plays "Dominique", the wife of the "hero". She delivers all her lines in exactly the same tone throughout the movie just like everyone else, but the entire facial expressions she reads them with is beyond laughable. It's her only acting role listed on IMDb to date. What a surprise, eh? However I do have modest hopes that she'll accept a sometime role in the near future, I could use the laugh. Quite simply, the whole cast in this provide abnormally bad performances.The plot is utterly stupid and full of the biggest holes I've ever seen and is entirely pushed along by coincidence. Once they arrive in Africa, Joe (Ross Kettle) dials a number and asks the person at the other end of the line to meet him at a disco but who was this? And how did they happen to stay at the same hotel where Joe's wife is held? But after 20 minutes you can give up looking for plot holes, as you will never keep track and you'll probably be laughing too hard at other things.Lehtal Ninja boasts the worst choreographed fight scenes ever seen. They are all painfully slow and everybody appears to be overly careful not to get hurt in them. Anybody who's in at least reasonable physical shape could pull these off. Even when slitting throats and breaking necks, it still manages to come off unconvincing and laughable. It is only made even worse that these involve laughable ninja's who are obviously wearing protection as their swords even bounce when they hit the human target on occasion. And to top it all off, these are all complimented with the same cartoonish wind sound almost every time a "ninja" moves a muscle.But wait, there's more. Gawk at:A song and dance that needs to be seen to be believed. Yossi probably choreographed it himself and wrote the lyrics of the song.Before leaving America, we see stock footage of San Francisco yet they state that they have flew from Los Angeles.A Mercedes which crashes over a small hillside and suddenly appears about 60 ft in the opposite direction back on it's wheels only to explode. On a sidenote, I'm surprised they crashed a 1970's Mercedes which would surely have been of interest to far more people than this movie!Incredibly cheap production values. Grainy picture which just reeks of low budget and exceptionally poor lighting.Ninja's who circle round the "hero" on roller skates with blades on the side and let themselves get slowly taken out one by one.Simply put, this is one of the worst movies ever made but Good Lord, it's hysterical. Another movie that would make a very fun drinking game. It isn't the most worst movie ever or the most funny bad movie ever, but it is a runner up and is definitely worth seeing for that!

I believe I understand this movie. The message is:If you have a problem you only have to wait, to hit the guys who try to kill you with only one beat or turn out the lights with your ninja-sword. ...Am I wrong ?It is fun and pain to watch the hero of this movie, Ross Kettle (called "Joe" in the film), trying to look cool, pretending to fight with big men, knocking them down after almost no fighting and grabbing bigger men's...you know.Problem 1: Ross Kettle is no action hero, he was good in "Santa Barbara" (a soap opera) and without him you could forget the movie completely, but he is just not right for the part.Problem 2: One of the worst actresses I've ever seen: Karyn Hill, who plays Ross Kettle's kidnapped wife. Anyone could have been a better choice. If she was at least naked to convince us with her breasts...Problem 3: The story...what story ? It would be ridiculous trying to explain what happens. It doesn't matter !Problem 4: Explosions are nice and good fights are interesting, but is it really necessary to hear a sound like when Batman and Robin of the original Batman-series beat someone up, every time Ross Kettle, the hero (a joke, sorry), is knocking someone down ? Besides, there are no good fights here and explosions look like from a cartoon.Pretending to be a movie for adults. Not even children would care, or perhaps the little ones !