Nukie (1987)

To me, this movie is perfection.

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

An old-fashioned movie made with new-fashioned finesse.

The only reason I saw this movie was because Brad Jones AKA the Cinema Snob, said it was the worst movie he ever reviewed. Well, I think he might have found one or two movies that were worse, but it doesn't matter. This film isn't really a ripoff of ET, as it basically has no similar plot at all. I guess you could just consider it better than something like "The Pod People" which was a more obvious knockoff. This movie actually did make me laugh a few times with how bad it was, so I guess I'll give it that. That still doesn't excuse it from being a terrible movie.This movie tells the story of an alien named Nukie who becomes stranded on Earth with his brother in another continent. It really gets pitiful when the apes start talking. Now, it is stated that Nukie has the ability to learn any language, but that still doesn't make sense. How was he not able to understand the giraffe and the rhinos he saw earlier? Plus, the rhinos sound like horses! Besides that, the costumes in this film are terrible. I couldn't tell if they were meant to be like deformed monkeys or deformed bears. Nukie's friend is being researched on and manages to escape from the room without any explanation. Then he just goes back into the room. Why?! Nukie has the ability to teleport, but he doesn't use it at the end. Oh, and he can also accidentally make earthquakes or something. He just apologizes for doing that. Huh? There's also this weird subplot with a talking computer that has an evil laugh while still helping Nukie's friend. I don't know how they far they traveled or how they all met up in the end, but I don't care. *

There are bad movies that are fun because they are bad. This is not one of those movies. Nukie is Devoid of any charm or schlock worthy of viewing for a few cheap laughs. The plot is nonsensical...two aliens flying through space a balls of light crash on earth.....for some reason. One is help hostage by American scientist who I think are supposed to be evil and the other crashes in Africa...for some reason. The rest of the movie revolves around these two aliens trying to reunite. The hijinx that ensue are mind numbing, redundant, and devoid of anything entertaining. It is painful simply painful. The aliens look atrocious, like atrocious Nien Nunb (Star Wars Character...look it up) costume prototypes. Appalling in every aspect this film should only be viewed by a true sadist.

The pain is the only thing that will distract you from the terminal suck of the movie. The plot line is like watching actors trying to break out of their usual roles of downs syndrome porn and the main character looks like a deep-fried shag carpet soaked in cheese made rancid manlove to ET's bastard cousin. It goes downhill from there. Wrought with so many plot holes I felt like my teeth were being jarred from their sockets just from the righteous fury, I felt the minutes this movie was bleeding from my life dripping out of my soul. I feel that if I look down I will see the tattered remains of the person I was before I saw this movie floating in a pool of my lost humanity.

Here's what I can say: this movie is SO BAD. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SEE THIS MOVIE. I try to see all the bad movies I can, and this tops them all. It's not even funny to mock, it's just that bad. It's a test of patience. Even if you think you wanna see this movie, you really don't. I'll leave you with a bit of the wit from this movie; while the scientists are taking miko's pulse with the x-ray machine, they still don't know whether he's an animal, mineral, or vegetable. Go back over that last sentence again. Yes. That actually does happen in the movie. Honestly, when I finally finished this movie I felt like dying(it took me a while because I watched about the first half hour and needed to stop on account of the utter idiocy of this movie). It is terrible. I can't stress that enough. And now I speak directly to the people who like watching bad movies: I know you've seen movie that people have told you not to see, but skip this one. It hurts to watch.