The Vineyard (1989)

Touches You

Pretty Good

Fantastic!

Admirable film.

Dr. Elson Po (James Hong) is one of the world's most famous wine growers. He has a magic potion which has kept him handsome and alive during the centuries. However, lately the magic which rejuvenates him seem to be less and less effective.This film was written by, directed by and starring James Hong. So if you are a Hong fan, this is the picture for you -- he brings an angle to horror that I certainly have not seen elsewhere. I am not sure if you can call him Chinese-American, since he was born in the United States, but he has made an American film with Chinese roots -- possibly a unique feat in American horror.Some of this was pure 1980s. Hong's dance in the mask at his 1980s party was pretty weird, and the music certainly amplified the weirdness. The special effects range from good to bad. I liked the masks and makeup, but some of the "electricity" just looked terrible.

"The Vineyard" is noteworthy among low budget horror crud in that it marked a rare co- writing / co-directing credit for the excellent veteran character actor James Hong, whom most people will have seen in one thing or another (such as the villain Lo Pan in "Big Trouble in Little China"). Here the typically solid Hong does a delightful job of chewing on the scenery as nefarious wine maker Dr. Elson Po, who may be putting strange things into his recipe. A troupe of vapid young adults are invited to his island winery under the pretense that he'll audition them for a movie he's producing, but in reality they'll soon be victimized by black magic and Po's brutal, grim faced henchmen. Dr. Po has a weakness regarding the amulet that he wears, but will the dumb schmucks here figure that out in time? Hong and company seem to be aware that they're making silly horror cheese here, and they just have fun with their material (rather than going the route of making obvious self referential jokes). In fact, he's good enough to raise this a point in the rating. Also helping out is the presence of the charming, luscious Playboy Playmate Karen Witter as Jezebel, the young lady upon whom Po fixates. (Who can blame him?) The supporting cast plays it all quite straight, and they make up in entertainment value whatever they lack in ability. Michael Wong is hopelessly stiff, studious journalist Jeremy Young, who's fascinated by Po. There is a good little serving of female flesh, and the female cast members - Cheryl Madsen, Cheryl Lawson, Lissa Zappardino - are pleasing enough to look at throughout. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't have too many of what could be considered really good, highlight moments (aside from one ingenious bit of a character coughing up spiders), but it's hard to knock anything that throws zombies into the mix so they can be paid off during the climax, and pokes fun at any and all horror movie that's ever concluded with an open ending. Makeup effects are generally well done, and the setting allows for some gorgeous scenery. All things considered, this is agreeable stuff, not anything worth actively seeking out but still worth a look for die hard genre addicts. Six out of 10.

Famous wealthy winemaker and film producer Dr. Elson Po (a deliciously hammy James Hong) has discovered a special potion and magic amulet which enables him to stay youthful and live forever. He invites seven attractive young folks to his remote island winery so he can feed on their lifeforce. Po chooses lovely aspiring actress Jezebel Fairchild (the ravishingly gorgeous Karen Witter, Playboy's March 1982 Playmate of the Month) to be his bride. Clumsily directed with a startling lack of competence by Hong and William Rice, with an incredibly dumb and trashy script by Hong, Douglas Kondo and James Marlowe which blends exotic black arts mumbo jumbo and hoary mad scientist clichés into a spectacularly ungodly brew, this entertainingly awful atrocity possesses all the right crummy stuff to qualify as a great deal of infectiously schlocky fun: we've got some tasty gratuitous nudity, a smidgen of soft-core sex, dreadful dialogue ("Castrate him!," commands Po to one of his flunkies who's caught a man who had an adulterous fling with Po's unfaithful wife), terrible acting, plenty of hot babes (Cheryl Lawson in particular is a total fox!), a plodding pace, cheesy, rubbery make-up f/x, tacky gore (a juicy decapitation and a scene with Lawson throwing up spiders are the definite gross-out highlights), badly dated thumping 80's rock songs, a bunch of groaning, lurching, rot-faced zombies, ineptly staged fight scenes, and a gloriously ludicrous conclusion. Karl Heinz-Tuber delivers a marvelously smarmy performance as a slimy effeminate talent agent. Both John Dirlam's crisp cinematography and Paul Francis Witt's shivery score are up to speed. An unjustly overlooked high camp riot.

James Hong writes, directs, and stars in this appalling film about a mad doctor/wine grower/movie producer living on an island and having young, physically attractive men and women come to his island so he can either kill them or hang them up by handcuffs in his winery. Naturally, one, Karen Witter, a hot little blonde, is there to be his hypnotized bride. Whew! Hong prays to some Chinese god which has given him some ability to live forever. What the bodies of the visitors have to do with the wine is never explained. Nor is why zombies rise on the island. Nor is virtually anything of noteworthy status. The script just plain sucks! The special effects are bad as we see Hong get old(a rubbery mask perhaps), or some super-imposed green eyes are given to him, or scenes showing physical changes are just edited and pieced together rather than shot in one take or cleverly edited for the purpose of continuity. The acting is awful. Hong is a decent actor but not with this crap. The rest are just pretty faces with seemingly little behind those faces and bodies. Clichéd characters abound...some trying to be funny. Nothing is very original about the way things are done in terms of the horror aspects of the film. A bad movie no matter how you try to spin it. Although of Chinese subject matter, The Vineyard left me quite full. I certainly wasn't in the mood for anymore in an hour. Perhaps a 100 years from now. No way!