Things (1989)

People are voting emotionally.

If you like to be scared, if you like to laugh, and if you like to learn a thing or two at the movies, this absolutely cannot be missed.

There is, somehow, an interesting story here, as well as some good acting. There are also some good scenes

An old-fashioned movie made with new-fashioned finesse.

Before this I considered End of a Gun, Birdemic and Picasso Trigger to be the unholy trinity of the worst movies with no redeeming qualities but this one beat all of them to rise to the top (or drop down to the bottom in this case). Now, I rate movies in terms of enjoyment and I despise the term guilty pleasure because I love a ton of bad or cheesy movies and don't feel guilty about my love for them, I will sing the praises of Samurai Cop or Miami Connection for days if given the chance. However this one is trash, it's not so bad it's good, it's just truly and absolutely awful in every sense. I watched this in the right setting; with a friend and we both love bad movies but it was just painful to watch this garbage. We might've gotten a few chuckles out of it but for most of it we were bored out of our minds and started talking about everything else but the movie half an hour in. Afterwards we were both so resigned we contemplated giving movies altogether a break for a while but we planned to watch more and luckily the next movie which was Breakin' made us regain faith in movies and schlock. I see a lot of people loving this movie and saying it's funny and one of the best bad movies of all time and I wish I felt about it that way but instead all I feel is PTSD when I think about going back and sitting through this steaming pile of agonizing filth again.

Things. That's exactly what this movie is. A jumbled mess of obtuse things that don't fit together, being forced to co-exist in 85 minutes of sheer avant-garde brilliance. Everything about this movie is a complete enigma. The premise, the purpose, and the pretense of this movie, because it makes NO sense, it serves NO moral, and the biggest mystery is to whether the creators of this film intended to create a mocking masterpiece, or if they just fell completely steam-roller flat.The look of this film is reflective of the mindset of the film-makers involved: it's fuzzy, foolish, and downright foreign. Shot on 8mm, this Canadian epic is technically one of the worst films ever made. Everything about this movie is just wrong, from the framing, to the editing, to the sound mixing. Especially the sound mixing, because it's almost entirely dubbed, and everyone doing their lines seems completely out of their emotive mindset, it just ends up fascinating. The music is a mixture of mistaken synths melodies, airy repetition, and dastardly guitar riffs. The lighting is in eccentric Suspiria colors that vividly contrast our protagonist's blue sweater. The editing is jumpy, the shots linger far too long on people struggling to accomplish a relatively simple task such as putting on a shirt, or wiping off blood and goo with paper towels. It's only natural that the cast and crew had no idea how to film a regular movie, because they can barely dress themselves. Yet all this transcends typical technical inferiority and surmounts to something mesmerizing. A true testament to Canadian film-making.The plot involves things, and characters who encounter things, and unenthused conflicts brought about by things. After things start appearing, it becomes a survival story in the vein of The Evil Dead, only less coherent, less logical, and with a lot more beer and filler. Nearly half of this movie contains scenes that further the plot in absolutely no way, and sometimes even twist the story into a complete knot. Describing the story of Things is one of the toughest challenges mankind has faced, because the premise has yet to be deciphered. So when one wants to know about Things, it all boils down to a mustached mullet man in a blue sweater fighting off giant rubbery ants after his spectacle-wearing brother's wife gives birth to said things after having been artificially-inseminated by a satanic scientist... or something.Things is a strange case of the worst ingredients forming a completely happy accident. You have to be in a strange place to enjoy this movie, because it's so bad... it's beautiful. Some movies are described as nightmares on film, but most films are too coherent, or structurally sound, to encompass a true nightmare. A real nightmare makes no sense, and takes you from one place to another, so fluidly, that you don't even realize you're going there until you suddenly find yourself at that place. This is Things. A surreal mess of incompetent creatures and uncordial catastrophes, that you'll never truly understand, even after you have just experienced Things.

I didn't really know what to expect when I started watching Things. I had never heard about it in the 80's, 90's or even early 00's. From the first minute it was clear the movie was going to be a very unprofessional one. But it still turned out to be a truly incredible viewing experience. The acting was horrible, dialog pointless, plot laughable, special effects not so special, music bad, pacing painful, editing spastic, picture quality like a 7th generation VHS copy (I watched Things from DVD)... and yet it managed to entertain.Everything is so hilariously wrong that this is a pleasant viewing experience. Things is up there with enjoyable turkey turd gems like Manos - Hands Of Fate and Plan 9 From Outer Space. If you cannot appreciate a movie that is so bad that it is actually good I would not recommend Things. At all. In all aspects Things is so bad that it is great fun. Having porn-actress Amber Lynn on the cast just makes it even better (or worse) as she is not much of an actress (which didn't come as a big surprise). This film really left me speechless with a big grin on my face.

There is only one.There is no other.If you've been looking for the best, you've now found it.To those who saw it and disliked it: you'll die never understanding.I won't review the plot here, as there has been enough of that already. Such descriptions may provide information on the physical details of the events in the films, but there is something indescribable in the way it is put together.If you want to understand, FIND IT! It is rare, but worth it indeed....and if you dare, order his second film, Wicked World, from his very own website: www.barryjgillis.com Long live the best film ever made: THINGS!