Elves (1989)

Wonderful Movie

That was an excellent one.

From my favorite movies..

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

The best thing about writer/director Jeffrey Mandel's trashy late-'80s horror flick Elves is its delightfully bonkers premise: on Christmas Eve, shop-girl Kirsten (Julie Austin) discovers that she has been raised as part of a decades-old plan engineered by the Nazis to selectively breed a hybrid human/elf master race. Can't say that I've ever seen that one done before.Sadly, despite this wonderfully wacky story-line, which incorporates such exploitative elements as incest, Nazis, cat-drowning, gratuitous nudity, a couple of surprisingly mean-spirited deaths, horny young women in lingerie and, of course, a murderous two-foot tall supernatural creature, the film proves to be about as much fun as a deep root canal, thanks to a dreadful script, amateurish direction, poor acting, and a truly pitiful titular creature—a pathetic plastic creation with fixed facial features and limited articulation in its poorly crafted limbs (which makes it walk like it's got a bad case of diarrhoea, and might explain its permanent 'I think I've just crapped myself' expression).A chain-smoking Dan Haggerty (of Grizzly Adams fame) plays the reluctant hero—ex-cop-turned-store-Santa Mike McGavin—but gives a performance that is almost as lifeless as the film's crappy elf.1/10, generously bumped up to 2 for the Santa crotch stabbing, the girl who gets shot in the head, and the gag in which Haggerty glances at a stuffed grizzly bear display piece.

The best thing about Elves is most definitely the plot. The acting is so-so, the elf itself (yes, there's only one elf) is OK but a bit cheesy looking when you get to see it. You don't get to see it very much sadly. I didn't really get bored whilst watching Elves, which I was thankful for. The bizarre plot keeps you wondering what will happen next, especially after revelations about in-breeding and Nazis. There is one hilarious line when the girls brother says "Is everything going to be alright?", to which she replies: "No Willy, granddad's a Nazi".The main problem with Elves is that it doesn't really do much. Yeah, the plot is bizarre, but the film doesn't really do it justice. You don't get to see much of the elf, so really the film is more like a bizarre story being narrated by the characters, as opposed to an actual film.

"Elves" stars Dan Haggerty (TV's former Grizzly Adams) as a chain smoking ex-cop turned shopping mall Santa Claus. Grizzly apparently had a falling out with the force due to his insufferable boozing. The stress of his muddled life may play a role in the heavy smoking. This isn't mentioned outright, but I took a few film classes through correspondence school, so I have an eye for these sorts of storyline hints. Haggerty prepared for the role by yellowing the whiskers of the beard that made him famous to reflect the stain of cigarette toxins. Quite frankly though, the quality of his performance begins and ends with the yellow beard. One is forced to actually pause the film in order to ponder how in the hell this guy landed his own television SERIES. Ignoring the stench of Chesterfields on him, you might conclude that the only suitable gig for this actor is . . . well, a shopping mall Santa Claus. But I digress.--Potential spoilers-- I won't bore you with the long story, though it may sound intriguing at first—trust me, it's not. Grizzly takes on a troupe of trolls (the so-called Elves) created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist. These not-so-lovable little helpers are on a quest to mate with a virgin and create a master race. And if it weren't for one disgruntled black-lung copper, they just might have gotten away with it. The mall—scene of many a holiday season nightmare—becomes the stage for the final Good vs. Evil battle over Toyland supremacy. In the end we are left with two certainties: 1.) All the best mall action DOES happen after it closes, and 2.) Drinking your way out of a respectable job can, in fact, lead you to becoming a hero.

A genetically engineered elf (One, I repeat, ONE elf.) pursues the virginal daughter of it's Nazi scientist creator and runs afoul of a chain smoking ex-detective turned department store Santa. I would have loved to be in the room when this was pitched!So, yeah, teens get slashed, conspiracies get exposed, university professors get pestered. We also find out why you should never wander around a department store in your underwear, why you should always listen to your grandpa (even if he is a Nazi), and how to use a teen's head to open a locked security door. Plus, Dan Haggerty even manages to raise his voice above a mumble! What more could you want? If you only see a few thousand films in your life, make sure that THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM!