Hercules of the Desert (1964)

When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

After playing with our expectations, this turns out to be a very different sort of film.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

HERCULES OF THE DESERT is yet another peplum yarn starring one of my favourite muscle-bound actors, Kirk Morris. At first glance it looks to be a contender for the award of "most boring peplum film made", beginning as an overly-talky desert set adventure concerning some clichéd warring tribes, concentrating on human relationships over spectacle and excitement. For the first half of the film, nothing much happens at all, other than Morris (playing Hercules this time around, at least in the US dubbed version) appearing in a puff of smoke after a prayer is sent to the gods for help! This is the first explicitly supernatural event surrounding the Italian peplum hero that I've seen; usually he just kind of appears in the thick of the action or is discovered in a cave or tomb, but here he appears to be the real deal, a mythical god sent from the heavens to kick ass and do good, although not necessarily in that particular order. But I guess he can't be that godly, seeing as he still manages to drink a drugged potion and fall slave to an evil queen like Steve Reeves did in HERCULES UNCHAINED...The action isn't extensive, but does feature some bloody amusing shots of Morris lifting statues and rocks easily five or six times his own body mass and lobbing them at the bad guys. The talents of the beautiful Helene Chanel and Rosalba Neri (LADY FRANKENSTEIN) are exploited to the full at every opportunity for male viewers delight. For the girls (and certain boys...) watch out for openly homoerotic scenes of Morris flexing his muscles for the camera, or the cameraman zooming in on his crotch and taut thighs. Other fun moments include one of those "closing wall" traps, although they're too cheap to have any spikes in the walls here, and the ultra-bizarre finale in which Hercules descends into a hellish pit and battles a race of huge-eared Neanderthals, who seem to spend their waking hours banging large sheets of hanging metal with hammers! The thundering noise and oppressive atmosphere would make this showdown suitably horrific, if it wasn't for the absurd-looking creatures that Hercules battles. Not that good or that bad for a peplum flick; undeniably cheap, and saddled with a really dull first third, but it does contain enough cheesy fun to make it worth watching in my opinion.

Led by an attractive young woman named "Selina" (Spela Rozin) the Gameli tribe has wandered the desert in search of a land which was prophesied to them long ago. Unfortunately, they are barred from entering it because the only way to get there is through an extremely deadly pass known as the "Valley of the Thundering Echo". On top of that, a greedy queen named "Farida" (Helene Chanel) wants this land for herself and has ordered the complete annihilation of the Gameli tribe so that she can have it. However, the high priest of the Silver Temple knows all of this and summons "Hercules" (Kirk Morris) to guide the Gameli tribe to their rightful homestead. Now, as far as this movie is concerned I have to admit that it wasn't the best "Sword and Sandal" film ever produced. Far from it as the story meandered all of the place with some parts being more than a little odd. Still, it had a few good-looking women most notably Rosalba Neri (as the sorceress "Ramhis") along with the aforementioned Spela Rozin and Helene Chanel so I suppose it wasn't a complete waste. Still, it wasn't necessarily that good and I rate it as slightly below average.

The presence of Kirk Morris in a peplum could usually be a guaranteed sign of weirdness (Atlas against the Czar, Witch's Curse), and here is no exception. A rather dull Maciste/Hercules-worshipping cult (who bear a worrying resemblance to the standard peplum portrayal of Christians) conjure up their hero in a ceremony involving lots of smoke and sparks, and before you know it he's throwing things around, hobnobbing with royalty, and rescuing the rather ordinary valley girls (as the French title calls them). Helene Chanel does her standard turn as the evil Queen Masura with fabulous hair and a whip who is in cahoots with with duplicitous Alberto Farnese, while Spela Rozin is the drippy love interest, Nando Tamberlani is the high priest and Rosalba Neri is wasted as a hand maiden who is Farnese's bit on the side. It's all pretty average stuff, not bad with Morris heavily tanned and looking buff, but with nothing to set it apart from the pack.