Assault on Death Mountain (1999)

To me, this movie is perfection.

Great Film overall

As Good As It Gets

Worth seeing just to witness how winsome it is.

Pals Mike, Roy, Hunter and Derek, all ex-military, are now a bounty hunter team that also helps people in need. A woman whose rich ex kidnapped their kid hires them. Also, a chemical weapons expert who killed Mike's old team resurfaces. Shadow Warriors II: Hunt for the Feath Merchant is bad and it freaking knows it for sure and that's great i guess i mean Shannon Tweed's close up to her massive big friends? Damn this film knows exactly what you want. It's bad and that's great and perhaps an online watch would be nice for just a few laughs to have. (3/10)

This is the first movie I saw starring Hulk Hogan. This guy really can't act at all. Add up the utterly stupid plot, conversations and action scenes and you get a helluva movie. This piece of crap starts with a kidnapping of a girl. Hulk Hogan, here his name is Mike McBride (haha), and his moron friends are assigned to save the day. And in what manner: they go to the house of the kidnapper, who is the father of the girl, and shoot everyone and everything. Once they accomplished this mission something completely different happens. Hulk Hogan is captured by some villain who injects him with a poison that will slowly kill him within 24hours. Look at Hogan's face as he tries to act like he's really going to die. It's painfully funny. After he gets injected with the poison his friends pop up completely out of nowhere shooting all the bad guys, which of course are not American. Shannon Tweed, the "femme fatale" jumps over a sand dune on a motorcycle while killing the baddies. And so it goes on and on. Amazingly brainless and cliché action scenes followed by amazingly brainless and cliché conversations. At one point Hulk is even trying to be emotional, thinking of his "pals" who died in earlier operations. You get to see some idiotic flashbacks of dying soldiers. Then Shannon Tweed comes in to comfort him...hahahaha...this is some really bad acting. The bad guy is so tremendously evil it becomes a joke. Everything he says, does and thinks is pure evil. And of course he's Russian, what else... His sidekick is even worse. Some kinda gorilla-a-like monster who does everything 'the boss' says. Of course, further on in the movie Hulkie and this mean machine get in a nasty fight with each other. In the end, after a lot of dim-witted, extremely unbelievable action scenes and other crap, you see Hulk Hogan and his moron crew (one character is called Andy Powers btw, djeezes), walking side by side, way too cool, with in the background a big explosion. Hellooo....... Oh, I almost forgot the hilarious scene with the brainsick madman in the helicopter going completely nuts throwing grenates at the 'bad people'like he's Santa handing out candy to children. Luckely, every grenate takes out a couple of baddies, thrown away in a real old-school McGyverisch style.Everything about this movie is so crappy and pointless...You can't do otherwise than laugh about it. I hope to see other rubbish starring Hulkie, coz he's so incredibly funny. They should make a movie just with Hogan's face and a spin-off starring his mustache.

To sum everything up: the inexplicably popular Hulk Hogan, washed-up can't-believe-it's-not-porno star Shannon Tweed, Apollo Creed, the cop from "Last House" (who was cool before I saw this) and some other guy who is cleaning up vomit at Wal-Mart while you read this shoot for hours and hours and hours from open spaces without getting a scratch. Usually writers try to make it remotely believable by having one guy shot in the arm or something like that but no, none of that for the indestructible Hulk Hogan. There's just something bothering me about Hulk Hogan being surrounded by twenty guys and just shooting them one by one with his painfully slow moves. It's a way-too-common trend in action flicks that villains with machine guns who are off-screen immediately stop existing. At least Seagal hides behind a crate or something. It's also pretty hilarious how none of the people who get shot appear to bleed, they just fall down. It looks like a bunch of kids playing cowboy and Indian. For people who think wrestling(which in Hogan's case, is not a lot more than soft punching) is real.

Hulk saves the world, yet again. Like all of Hulk Hogans movies this is in the so bad it's good category. Naturally I wouldn't say that to his face. The one thing that stops this movie from excelling in that category though is that it has quite a few really revolting bits in it. For example, the fact that every single baddie of the two unconnected plots is a foreigner and every one of the morally good people is American.There's little point in pointing out odd behaviour by the characters or plot inconsistencies in a movie like this, but I will anyway. In the first plot, which really is just a filler because they didn't manage to pad out the 2nd plot to last for more than an hour, the good guys need to rescue a little girl who's been kidnapped by her Austrian dad from his American wife. The Austrian turns out to be majorly wealthy, but a foreigner so he deserves all that he gets, like having about 15 of his life guards shot while Hulk and the team rescue the little girl. A bit over the top or what? This plot also serves the film makers with an excellent opportunity to show as much cleavage as possible. This is achieved by having Shannon Tweed, disguised as a guest, sneak into the exclusive party the little girl's dad is holding at his estate. She gets to wear a necklace with a camera hidden inside so her necklace and of course her cleavage are shown in close up's a number of times. Pure genius.A common trait for really bad movies like this is the way Mister Evil's henchmen are disposed off. Naturally they're positioned all over the building but one single punch ALWAYS knocks them out cold, never to return to action for the rest of the movie. Unless of course there's a fight scene needed, then the baddies get hit over and over again before they finally get knocked out. Similarly, the baddies can fire machine gun rounds after rounds at the good guys without a single hit while the good guys need one single shot to dispose of entire armies. Unless the baddie has had a bit of screen time, then he'll be much harder to kill. Also, like in all bad action movies, either the number one or number two baddie will be totally cruel and evil when he's got the good guy tied up but will become a shivering coward once the roles are reversed.I don't know, I'm probably not who this movie is marketed at (I shudder to think of the target audience) but I'd find it much more interesting if the baddies actually had a reason to be evil. They're always evil for no reason which makes them cartoon characters. But then, every single character in this movie is a cartoon character.So, in conclusion. Good for a chuckle but not really a truly good, bad film.