Army of the Damned (2013)

Slow pace in the most part of the movie.

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

The acting is good, and the firecracker script has some excellent ideas.

A clunky actioner with a handful of cool moments.

Okay, the acting sucked and the 'plot' plods a bit, but if you don't go into watching this movie with high expectations you won't be disappointed. Lots of gratuitous gore and cussing, along the lines of Evil Dead without the panache to draw a cult classic following. A good movie to watch with the guys and play Mystery Science Theatre 3000.I managed to sit through the whole movie, unfortunately. No more enlightened than I was at the start, and I have discovered a new and pervasive loathing for what sounds like Country meets Heavy Metal music!One bonus feature, the cop smoking an E Cigarette was an amusing addition... Unfortunately it was the only memorable moment.

What the hell did I just watch? This movie sure is horrifying...ly bad. I am ashamed that i even sat through this disaster. I mean i think i even felt a little sick watching it. Bad acting, Worse cinematography, even worse directing, terrible audio and songs used. I wont give any spoilers away but I would suggest getting a home video camera, putting a nice fresh coat of paint on a wall, film it, and then watch it when it's done. Doing this will be more entertaining and less embarrassing then watching this train wreck of a film. Have you ever felt third party embarrassment when watching something really awkward? Well watching this made me feel horribly embarrassed for the director. How could he release such a bad movie. I don't know. But hey maybe thats your thing. 1/10

This is a serious "how not to make a movie". Basically if you're a new director or producer, do the opposite of what this movie did. This is the typical movie on the shelf at a gas station for 2.99. First off the Cinematography was poor. It looked like a 7th grade student handed in his first project. The best acting came from Tony Todd but was severely weak compared to his other outings. They billed it like he was the main star but he was in it for maybe 5 whole minutes. Judging by this and the previous "Self Storage" the director and producers have no idea what they are doing. Shooting on a weak DSLR really makes it hard to watch and the poor sound quality and non stop Godsmack songs really kills any horror vibe that they tried to make. I was truly hoping for a decent horror experience but what I found was a lack of experience from the film makers. 1/10

I am right proud of myself, I think. I sacrificed 26 minutes of my life to endure watching the first third of this film which was an act of outlandish optimism and generosity. But thats as far as I could, or anyone should, go. Its just awful. And there you have it friends, a complete three word review. I could end right there but I feel the need to explain that Id heard a lot of the actors here were either wrestlers or porn stars, which intrigued me, and with a few old time character actors thrown in. A few of them I recognized, and Joey Fatone was in it. Not that that means anything but you know how it is when we watch new movies, we hope for good things, we hope for people to surprise us and reward us. We hope that even a bad film will be so bad its kinky good. We hope that someone at least tried, or made an effort, or cared about the work. Nope. No one tried in this movie, no one cared about anything whatsoever. There is no humor, no horror, no charm, no originality, no sex, no realism, no surrealism, no creativity, no emotion, no sophistication, no sadness, no joy. Actually the sadness comes after, when we realize that so many people are involved in the making of any film, and in this one all that time and money and effort were totally wasted, finally also taking a little bit of our own. Someone actually invested some money into this. How is that possible? All the subhumanly moronic characters in this movie keep screaming the same blathering profanities over and over (of course, just like in real life) and the line we hear repeated most often is "Are you f-ing kidding me?". I feel exactly the same way.