Private Resort (1985)

Touches You

Sorry, this movie sucks

How sad is this?

Don't listen to the negative reviews

Going by the standards of that genre known as the 1980s sex comedy, "Private Resort" is not one of the greats. Sure, it does tick off some of the boxes adequately, as there is plenty of girl-watching to enjoy (although, to be frank, there's more male nudity than there is female). And the script makes sure to include plenty of outrageous farcical situations in which to place our protagonists and antagonists. It's a gorgeous-looking picture in more ways than one, with very polished photography, and the pacing is acceptable enough to make the picture clock in at a fairly painless 82 minutes. It's not always terribly funny - in fact, sometimes it is lame and awkward - but it does have enough chuckle-worthy moments to make it an okay view.There are a notable amount of familiar faces here. Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp, right near the beginnings of their careers, are Ben and Jack, two young adults who are guests of the title locale. Their obvious mission is to score as much action as they can, but fate will have other things in store for them. The main story thread is that when Jack attempts to get it on with Bobbie Sue (Leslie Easterbrook, best known as Callahan in the "Police Academy" series), the two of them end up incurring the wrath of a supposedly professional jewel thief, "The Maestro" (Hector Elizondo).Rob and Johnny are lively and engaging, although it's been said that the two of them were so embarrassed by the movie that they vowed to track down and destroy every copy! Elizondo certainly does *look* embarrassed, but he still soldiers on admirably, and he and the rest of the cast do attempt to milk the material for as many laughs as they can. Emily Longstreth, Karyn O'Bryan, Hilary Shepard, Ms. Easterbrook, and Lisa London offer lots of eye candy, and it's also fun to see people like Dody Goodman, Michael Bowen, The Diceman (a.k.a. Andrew Clay), and Tony Azito."Private Resort" is no classic, but fans of the genre will likely be satisfied.Six out of 10.

Private Resort (1985)Plot In A Paragraph: Two lusty teenagers (Rob Marrow and Depp) become guests at a hotel in Key Largo in the pursuit of women, but get caught up with a jewel thief. There are a few semi famous faces alongside Johnny Depp in the shape of Hector Elizondo (Beverly Hills Cop 3) and Leslie Easterbrook (Police Academy). And what a shape Easterbrook casts. Every inch of the woman is on display. Which she was allegedly furious about, saying you were not meant to see that much and the producers and director lied to her.There is not much to enjoy here. Although I'm sure the females enjoyed a naked Depp, as much as the men will have enjoyed how much of Easterbrook they got to see. Especially if they watched this post Police Academy.The movie tanked grossing only $331, 816.A 4/10 with an extra point being awarded for Leslie Easterbrook.

Plot; Two young men visiting a swanky, high end luxury resort get caught up in a plot to steal a valuable diamond.Besides DNA (allegedly), my father and I only share two things in common; 1.) A love of building model cars and airplanes, and 2.) An appreciation for the teen sex comedy. The latter began when he took me to see 'Porky's'... when I was 7. Did I mention my grandfather was a minister? Anyway, between the rise of home video and premium cable, he and I watched just about every film the genre had to offer during the 80s.Somewhere in that time I'm reasonably sure that I watched 'Private Resort'. In fact, I don't think it's one I shared with my dad, but my step-sisters, who were crushing on Johnny Depp (more on him in a sec). But I remembered next to nothing going into this re-watch (thanks to a bargain find at Wal-Mart, of all places, in a 6-movie "beach pack"). There's almost no set up of our two "heroes". They arrive with no backstory and no real stated purpose. We don't learn where they're from or how they got the money to go to this swanky resort. Nothing. Not that any of that is really important, but it took me a few minutes to get back into b-movie mode.I mentioned Johnny Depp, but he's not the only recognizable face here. Typically in these sorts of movies the cast is populated by "actors" with very brief resumes on IMDb, usually stalling out around the start of the Clinton administration. Not so here. Along with Depp there's Robb Morrow (as the other guy in the duo), Hector Elizondo as the villain, Leslie Easterbrook (The 'Police Academy' films) as his wife, Andrew Clay (no Dice here) as a resort guest, and actress Dody Goodman as the target of Elizondo's diamond scheme. Depp and Morrow are fine. Perhaps a tad better than your average schlep in these kinds of films. But it's the supporting cast that really shine here. Elizondo and Goodman are great, bringing so much more to their characters than was there on the page, and a whole host of anonymous actors do fun work with their bit parts.This isn't a film for everyone, but if you like the genre, I think you'll enjoy your 82 minute stay at 'Private Resort'.

...this is still somewhat more watchable than the reems of nearly cookie-cutter sex quasi-comedies of the era.Young,horny dudes JAck(JOhn Depp,pre-"21 Jump Street" and probably unrecognizable to most film-goers) and Ben(Rob Morrow,who,years before "Northern Exposure" or "Num3ers" and probably wondering if he ever was THAT young) are on the prowl. They use their cabana boy jobs at a posh private resort(hence the title)to find loose ,randy women who want to get it on with them. Oh,they'll find love(it's an 80's film,keep in mind),but not before they bump into hi-jinx involving,among others,a sweet but ditsy Southern Belle(Leslie Easterbook,awash in all of her jiggly,juggly sexiness,minus the button-down contrast of the Police Academy films)and her hot-headed jewel thief husband(Hector Elizondo,cashing the paycheck),a doddering guest(Dody Goodman),a new-age cultish hottie in disguise(Hilary Shapiro)and the resort boss. Director George Bowers was able to cull a pretty decent slapstick energy out of the film. The plot of the film seems extracted from something out of a Marx Brothers or THree Stooges feature(or short),which is actually a nice(And not as easy to execute as one might think)mix to the morally loose '80s stylizing of '70s sex comedy mores. It's definitely the curiosity,if for nothing else,to catch a young,unaffected up-and-coming actor or two cut their teeth on comedy.