Green Street Hooligans 2 (2009)

So much average

Not sure how, but this is easily one of the best movies all summer. Multiple levels of funny, never takes itself seriously, super colorful, and creative.

This movie feels like it was made purely to piss off people who want good shows

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

This one, I think, went straight to video. That would not surprise me, as this was a real stinker. It picks up where the original left off after the violent showdown between GSE and the Millwall fans. Dave Miller (Ross McCall) and two of his buddies are sent off to jail where they meet other jailed members of rival football firms who want to do them bloody harm. The damn thing looks like it was originally intended to be an American prison film, but was bought and adapted by a British firm. So what we end up with a sort of a bizarre cross between the soap Eastenders and HBO's prison drama Oz. Holes in the plot are quickly filled by unrelenting violence as Dave and the boys meet one disgruntled hooligan after another. Added to this mix are the tried and true roles of the Uncomprehending-but-Human Warden, the Honest Guard, and the Corrupt Guard. The Corrupt Guard develops a hatred for Dave and the boys, being as they have struck up a friendship with the Honest Guard, so she conspires with the Millwall thugs to stage a football match with the prize being release from jail. Of course she rigs it so Dave and the gang have almost no chance of winning, but the Honest Guard comes to the rescue and gets the match back on a level playing field so Dave and his boys win fair and square, and in the inevitable retribution of justice at the end, Corrupt Guard gets hers. Oh yeah, she's a woman in a men's prison. Oh, and in the role as the Corrupt Guard is none other than Marina Sirtis, late of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Now here is a warning to those of you that loved the show and correctly believed that Sirtis, as Counselor Troi, was Drop Dead Gorgeous: Do not watch this film. She has hit the wall and hit it hard. I could hardly believe at first that it was she. A friend of mine who works in Hollywood told me that Sirtis is a heavy smoker, so that accounts for a lot of the disparity. She also can't utter a sentence in the movie without using the F--- or C--- word. Usually in films such as these, the woman has a sex scene with one of the men. THANK GOD that didn't happen! I'd have tossed my cookies.

Great earlier quote: "the market for this is restricted to those who simply enjoy watching people getting beaten up, but is devoid of any other merit." I laughed out loud. I had the misfortune of finding this film last evening. Having never been personally exposed to the American or English penal systems, I wasn't so much put off by the location of the film as the substance of it (or lack, thereof). It was a formula prison flick, nothing more. And I've seen Ross McColl in other films and don't remember him being so horrible. His voice was so grating I was drawn to continue watching. It had a nasal squeakiness to it that was mesmerizing. This was supposed to be the film's "tough guy"? Even worse than his voice was his physique. Sunken chest and pot belly. If anyone loses a fight to this guy they should be arrested! My lord. He must've been all the budget could afford. And let's not forget Marina Sirtis. When I last saw her she was drop dead gorgeous. WHAT, on Earth, has happened to her? I know this was a film role, but I honestly did not recognize her. Time has been so cruel. In sum, the budget for this film should've been donated to a local charity.

As a veteran of the heyday of the English Football Hooliganism era , I found the original "Green Street" lamentable. Watered down, ill-advised, inaccurate, it was a shameless attempt to introduce the subject specifically to an American audience. Nothing though quite prepared me for this sequel, as cynical an exercise in film making it would be difficult to imagine apart from, "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakwell".Only one original cast member remains, and the story is set in a prison, which provides the confined space for West Ham and Millwall hooligans, doing prison terms, to confront each other. It unfolds as a 94 minute cage fight with multiple attacks, revenge attacks, one-on-ones, firm on firm etc. If it had been packaged as a sort of 18 rated WWF Bout, then it would have some reason for existing, but it is not, and does not.The English prison is clearly an American one, with no sense of an English Institution at all, so it loses any authenticity as a "Prison Film" with both British and American audiences. Decent Prison Warder is played by Arthur Mason, a fine actor, who had a long stay in the British TV Series about the London Fire Service, "London's Burning". He spends almost the entire film with his mouth agape, presumably at the dross which is swirling around him.Actrss Marina Sirtis plays a corrupt Head Warder in a curiously written role, the cod script almost demands some raunchy "prisoner on screw" sex action, but it never comes. A mass football match and fight at the end is so formulaic and contrived, it is pretty much unwatchable. So, not a prison or football hooligan film, the market for this is restricted to those who simply enjoy watching people getting beaten up, but is devoid of any other merit.

Forgive me if this reviews a little bit disjointed . A few minutes ago I saw the end credits roll to GREEN STREET 2: STAND YOUR GROUND and it's caused a sensation that feels like a cross between the best sex of my life and having my head crushed in a vice . If there's an impossible air of surrealism in my manner it's entirely down to the on screen events of this ... well I was going to say movie but it's more of a bad dream than a movie STAND YOUR GROUND is supposedly a follow up to GREEN STREET but obviously started off as an original screenplay by T.Jay O'Brien featuring tough gang members from da ghetto meeting up in an American maximum security prison . Some producer somewhere told him to rewrite the story so it'd feature a couple of supporting characters from GREEN STREET . Unfortunately someone forgot to tell director Jesse V Johnson this so we've got a film supposedly set in Britain but filmed in an American prison . I've really got to admire Jesse for getting round this by sticking a couple of goal posts in the prison basketball court and plastering signs saying " ROYAL PRISON SERVICE - NO NOT A YANK JAIL AT ALL GUV " everywhere . Okay he fails but it's a good try The two leads are played by Ross McCall and Graham McTavish and with names like those it's no surprise to learn they're both Scottish . They're playing London geezers and it must have been a challenge for them trying to master the accents because they spend so much time trying to convince us they're not Scots that they forget to do any convincing acting , just limiting themselves to making quaking noises that sound like " FAHK " and " KANT " . We also have ze meerkat from the car insurance adverts voicing one of the human characters called Max and an Australian as governor of the royal prison service Pride of place amongst the cast is that woman from STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION playing a pantomime witch who's unable to say anything without using the F and C words at least twice in every sentence . I never knew American prisons were so cosmopolitan . Amazingly there's even a few Neo-Nazis nonchalantly standing around showing their swastika tattoos with disgusted looks on their faces giving the impression that they were going to originally star in this movie about a prison war between the Ayran Brotherhood and The Crips set in a tough American Jail No matter how you look at it you can not escape that this was the plot on O'Brien's first draft . The screenwriter seems stumped as to how he can rewrite it and make it cohesive . It's obvious he's crossed out Crips and Brotherhood and replaced it with Millwall and West Ham . He's failed to develop anything and the screenplay is full of padding such as wicked witch female prison guard trying to get an underling to say " Two peas in a pod " . There's also a ridiculous scene where the prison governor decides to give non dangerous prisoners early release and gets two staff members to draw up a potential list . Cut to a long lasting urinating contest where each prison officers says " my list is best - No my list is best " which seems to go on forever " Thankfully the governor is an intellectual and moral giant who knows the only way to judge how rehabilitated a prisoner is if they win a football match . You can understand this way of thinking since Hitler and Stalin were never known to be good footballers while someone like John Terry or Diego Maradona are fine upstanding role models for the rest of humanity STAND YOUR GROUND is certainly one of the worst movies I've seen . . Everything about it is totally deranged , the acting , the writing ( especially the dialogue ) and the bizarre fact that it's obviously filmed in an American prison . Having said that it's also thoroughly entertaining almost like EASTENDERS mixed with an episode of tough prison drama OZ and whilst the entertainment level is almost certainly unintentional it gets four out of ten