Beowulf (1999)

Truly Dreadful Film

Such a frustrating disappointment

The joyful confection is coated in a sparkly gloss, bright enough to gleam from the darkest, most cynical corners.

Story: It's very simple but honestly that is fine.

In a besieged land, Beowulf, a stranger is drawn to the darkness and must battle against a creature named Grendel and his vengeance seeking mother. This is an odd mixed medieval, scifi and steam punk version of the 6th Century poem Beowulf. It has a pumping score and soundtrack with great visuals and plenty of over the top dialogue and action. Despite a made TV feel director Graham Baker offers leather, weapons, castles, dungeons and a practical rubber suit Grendel hidden behind some CGI reminiscent Predator mixed with Alien.With the prowess of Filmation's He-Man Christopher Lambert is Beowulf, sporting a Sting-like bleached hairdo. Corset squeezed Rhona Mitra is stunning as Kyra although given little to do. Model Layla Roberts shows up as the Grendel's mother and a succubus to effectively woo Oliver Cotton who plays Hrothgar. Former Bond bad guy Götz Otto also features and The Mummy's Patricia Velasquez briefly appear as Pendra. The cast wrestle with the script and for unexplained reasons the voices of the main cast have been re-dubbed (with their very own voices) which can be distracting as the timing of the loop is slightly off like an old kung fu film.Even though made prior to The Mummy Returns the CGI Scorpion King looking monster in the closing act isn't as convincing as Lambert's stunt double's Rutger Hauer looking hair and somersaults.It hasn't budget or the finesse of The 13th Warrior (1999) or Outlander (2008) and lacks the seriousness of Beowulf and the Grendel (2005) but it's far more fun than the lustre 2007 3D Beowulf version.Watch it if only for the costumes and Mitra.

A Cult Classic with much history in its making. One worker in Romania building the castle - being paid with booze actually died falling from a tower. Not funny-but shows what filmmakers will do to make a film and save $. This Beowulf is a film to watch with a group of fun friends. It is the futuristic version of the story made by the makers of Mortal Combat. There are wild physical and special effects, with creative set design modeled after Claes Oldenburg. The music for the action sequences was added later by Miramax and some love it others don't. It has a following in Europe and South America, where it had a theatrical release,-those who adore Christopher Lambert, Rhona Mitra, a playboy bunny, and much more- will particularly enjoy it. A I was watching the film I found myself laughing at times when I wasn't supposed to be- but that made it particularly fun. It also shows how a film can be at war with itself- the producer and director at war with each other. The story of much of Hollywood! Be in an alerted state watching and have a blast.

If this movie saved its allowance for a year, did all of its homework, all of its chores, and went to bed on time every night. . .it might begin to qualify as a crappy movie. I haven't seen a film this bad. . .ever. I was initially enchanted by the opening of the film. I had to give it a little latitude for the opening FX, being as it was produced in a pre-WETA world, and I was willing to do that. I loved the whole scene with the mob and trying to execute the escapee, and I was thrilled by the initial design choices that were made (LOVED the over-sized straight razor as a decapitation device). But once Beowulf showed up, the dialogue sucked and the pace of the movie drew to a screeching halt. Stupid electric guitar music for all of the overly long action sequences started making me angry only a few minutes into the film and kept on throughout the rest of it. The only thing that I can say that was remotely interesting was the whole plot line with Grendal's mother and making her incredibly enticing as well as the source of "evil" in the world. But even that was poorly directed. I have no issue with sex on film. None at all. I don't even mind porn all that much, but for God's sake. . .I think it was her acting. Or maybe the crap dialogue. . .you know what? I didn't even like her much at all. Or anything else in the movie. Forget it, I don't want to review this any more. Save yourself the time, walk away from this one. Even on Netflix. Surely you've got more important things you could do with that hour and a half.

The film with Christopher Lambert as Beowulf is even a "love it" or "hate it" film. So I'm going to place myself between those two, just for being opposing. But the truth is that I actually enjoyed the film for what it was. Christopher Lambert has never been a favourite actor of mine, mostly because of his trying-to-be-cool look, which I never have been able to take serious. And his role as Beowulf is not helping on my opinion about this, and he even has white hair...'Beowulf' is based on the ancient legend by the same name, which is about the hero Beowulf coming to the land of Danes (Yahoo!) to fight evil. It is written in ancient English in the year 1.100, and now comes the movie.So, if you are able to summon lot of bad acting, smart action, bad one-liners, distorted rock music and cheesy special effects, you have an action movie - with Chrisopher Lambert. But 'Beowulf' ends up being a mostly enjoyable film anyway ,looking very 80'-ish and having a lot of unintentionally funny moments.This film is, if anything, perfect at a DVD night with the guys.