Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Truly the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater

Powerful

I don't have all the words right now but this film is a work of art.

Good story, Not enough for a whole film

Gymnast Lance Stargrove (a likable performance by the hunky John Stamos) joins forces with lovely, but lethal secret agent Danja Deering (a winningly vibrant portrayal by the insane foxy Vanity) in order to stop evil power-crazed hermaphrodite criminal mastermind Velvet Von Ragnar (a gloriously hammy and outrageous Gene Simmons) from poisoning the city's water supply.Director Gil Bettman, working from an incredibly inane script by Steven Paul and Anton Foutz, keeps the enjoyably absurd story moving along at a brisk pace, treats the kitschy material in an engaging tongue-in-cheek manner, and stages the rousing action set pieces with gusto. Moreover, it's acted with zest by an enthusiastic cast: Stamos and Vanity make for appealing leads, Simmons has a field day with his juicy villain role, plus there are neat contributions from Peter Kwong as Lance's nerdy inventor buddy Cliff, Robert Englund as sinister computer geek Riley, George Lazenby as Lance's suave spy father Drew, John Anderson as businesslike lawyer Arliss, and Ed Brock as hulking flunky Pyramid. The gaudy fashions (Ragnar's minions come across like a bunch of punk rejects from a failed casting call for a low-rent "Road Warrior" rip-off), cheesy hair band rock soundtrack, and alarming array of ghastly big hairdos all give this picture a certain endearingly tacky 80's period charm. David Worth's slick cinematography provides a pleasing polished look. The mechanically bouncy synthesizer score by Lennie Niehaus hits the stirring spot. A total schlocky hoot.

This has to be seen to be believed. John Stamos plays college gymnast Lance Stargrove whose father is a super spy that still finds time to send him care packages. When Dad is killed by hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons), Stargrove teams with sexy spy Danja Deering (Vanity) to get revenge. Oh yeah, Simmons wants to poison the water supply with radioactive waste or something.Stamos brings perfect hair to his role, which is the most important thing. There are lots of scenes of him doing gymnastics. Perhaps the director was a fan of '80s classic Gymkata. He also rides a dirt bike because in the '80s dirt bikes were cool. One of the many highlights of the movie is when Stamos is being beaten up by two of Simmons' thugs. He is crying like a little baby but then he sees a picture of his dad. Suddenly he's like Popeye on a spinach high and he kicks the crap out of the bad guys ("The name's not scumbag, it's Stargrove! Lance Stargrove!").Vanity is a stone fox, as usual. She also has a nude scene, as usual. Her seduction of John Stamos I will mock publicly but privately I thought it was hot! Gene Simmons is gross to look at dressed in drag but a hoot hamming it up as the super villain. Seeing him flirt with Stamos is priceless. He also likes to use his middle finger for...well, I won't spoil it. There's an Asian inventor friend of Stamos' who, at one point in the film, wears an outfit that is practically every color known to man. George Lazenby plays the spy dad. I'm sure some casting director beamed from ear to ear over that ingenious casting. He dresses like a Ghost Buster and uses a bulletproof umbrella as a shield. In a scene that I'm certain was the actor breaking the fourth wall, Lazenby says to Simmons "Oh come on, this is stupid." The movie is filled with laughably cheesy music. The song that plays during Stamos' first scene keeps repeating his character's name "Stargrove" over and over. Simmons gets to sing during his club routine ("Yeeeah!"). There's also a rather cheesetastic tune that plays leading up to Stamos taking Vanity to Pound Town.This is the kind of movie you just don't see anymore. These days when they try to do trash like this, it's always so self-aware and obvious that it takes the fun out of it. Truly "so-bad-it's-good" flicks don't try to be bad on purpose. If you ever wondered what Uncle Jesse did before Full House, all your questions will be answered here. This movie is so awesome it will change your life. If you watch this, it will make a man out of you. So female viewers beware.

Are ya feeling like breaking out? Looking for danger Feeling adventurous Then you must Put your trust Not in a strangerPlayin' your own game Do it your own way Keepin' your own sound That you found Goin' down Playin' like you playWho knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!You feel like takin' The world on your shoulders You're just a Robin Hood Makin' good Where you could You're one of the soldiersFaster than lightning Nothing can strike you You got the good stuff Tough enough Stayin' rough There's no one like youWho knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!This should have been released as a single. It should have been #1 on Billboard's charts for months! Absolute perfection.And Gene L. Simmons should have won the Oscar for best performance in '86. Absolute genius.I haven't seen this movie in over ten years but it still sticks in my mind. Gene sticking his middle finger on Vanity's chest and maniacally shouting out, "STARGROVE!!!!" The gay dance sequences. The unrequieted love of poor Cliff for his mondo studdly friend and hero, Lance. Gene's performance of "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me" (some of the lyrics of which were so good, incidentally, that Gene recycled and used in the song 'Spit' on the album 'Revenge') This whole movie rocks. I can't believe it is out of print, and I can't believe it isn't available in digital format yet. You can't go wrong with this movie.

Oh, god. The plot bites big wind. John Stamos is too earnest for his own good. Vanity took things WAAAAAAAAYY too seriously. Gene Simmons seemed to be the only person on the set who knew what a piece of crap this movie was. And literally ran with it. He was having just way too much fun with the whole absurd mess (admit it--John Stamos and Vanity generated about as much sexual chemistry as a game of Chutes and Ladders. And a computer program called "Ram-K"? I don't whether to laugh or cry) and wasn't expecting to be nominated for any awards. Throw in a few chase sequences with very little or no tension, a sucky soundtrack, and Gene Simmons showing off the costumes he stole from Cher when they broke up, and I'll buy the popcorn! (I don't know about you, but after seeing this, I want to see Gene Simmons as Frank N. Furter in "The Rocky Horror Show"!)