Amazons and Gladiators (2001)

The Worst Film Ever

Just what I expected

Highly Overrated But Still Good

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Perhaps it arguably deserves two stars as I have seen worse, but I haven't seen much worse and this overall is, for me fully in the bottom of the heap. I feel that once we're talking about the differences in quality between really bad movies, it doesn't matter that they all get one star even if some are "better" than others, if they're all terrible anyway.The only decent thing is that Patrick Bergin at least is capable of acting and this occasionally shows through in nice details and nuanced expressions here or there, but that is all.The production values or cheap and not convincing, which is the least of the problems here.The actors other than Bergin are terrible, simply terrible. They are wooden and deliver wooden lines in a wooden manner. Nothing about them is remotely convincing.The story is preposterous, not least of all because of the entirely groundless use of "Zenobia" as some sort of noble rebel leader among ill-defined Celtic or Germanic tribes when in fact she was a queen of a wealthy city state client kingdom of Rome in Syria, partly fighting against Rome at times yes, but not a leader of freedom-loving NW European tribes.The end is predictable yet totally unconvincing.

Well, the DVD's cover does a good (but tricky) job. You think it might be a relatively nice movie shot for TV. Like Helen of Troy, Jason and the argonauts, or Odyssey.But actually, the only reason to see this movie is for the few beautiful, and half-naked women who try to cope with a terrible director and a really bad script and story based on Ridley Scott's Gladiator. Especially the little girl in the beginning acts really bad. It was quite disappointing. I hope some of the actors get a break in the future.The movie screams it was very low-budget. They must have used except the forest shots, 5 or 6 scenes, most of them in a dressed back-lot.The worst mistake (except inaccuracies like amazons in the same era with romans) was that everyone is clean. In that period women didn't look like a Playboy centerfold. And people were dirty-looking. They look extremely sharp. Like they took their furs from the laundry! LOL!Anyway, as I said, if you pass one the beautiful babes, a Xena episode is far more dramatic and action-packed.I don't regret for my $2 for the DVD rental though. Even B-movies and first-time actors got to make a living.

If you expect a movie like The Gladiator, or Spartacus you will be very disappointed. The two films I mentioned in the former sentence pay a lot more respect to the historical facts. The voice-over in this film starts with the text: Around 60 AD the Roman empire was at his highest peak both geographical and economical. At the end of the film, a decade of years later on the decline of Rome is announced. But if you don't mind this simplistic lecture you can have a nice time watching for the juicy and well bosomed women (Amazons).

Frankly I'm surprised there hasn't been more of these cut-rate costume epics since Ridley Scott's GLADIATOR proved the genre was ripe for re-cycling. The only other video exploitation film that I'm aware of besides this one has been Roger Corman's remake of THE ARENA, which is a cut above AMAZONS AND GLADIATORS because it's visually more exciting, sexier and has better Playboy bunnies in the lead-babe parts. For the most part, A&G is a reasonably well-performed actioner with a sneering, indulgent performance from Patrick Bergin as Crassus (of SPARTACUS fame), a Roman Leader pissed off with his new assignment and taking out his anger on the local folk. Among the local folk are a couple of babes who end up joining a local tribe of Amazon babes, who eventually give Crassus his comeuppance. For my tastes, there's too little nudity and sex in this feature to make it a first-class exploitation gem; and the violence and fight choreography are only satisfactory. When you're dealing with restricted budgets and cliche genre material, it's absolutely necessary to go over the top with the obligatory Roman orgies, arena violence and flesh peddling, particularly when you're not governed by the pandering PG-13 standards of the major studios. This isn't a bad B-movie for a night's rental, but if you're going to add a low-budget Roman opus to your DVD collection, you're better off with the Corman remake of THE ARENA.