Splatter Beach (2007)

Wow! Such a good movie.

ridiculous rating

Let's be realistic.

It is not deep, but it is fun to watch. It does have a bit more of an edge to it than other similar films.

This is one of John Polonia's last movies and possibly one of his worst. Although it's not completely boring like Razorteeth or The House that Screamed, the sheer amount of forced comedy in this one makes it hard to put up with at times. It has nothing to do with Splatter Farm, which is probably a better film. This is supposed to be a comedic tribute to the beach monster movies of the 1960s. However, comedy is the thing that the Polonia brothers do the worst. This film has the standard Polonia plot of " a man in a homemade monster suit shows up in Pennsylvania and kills a few people whom the directors know". However, because this is a comedy, expect the characters to talk about homosexuality, sexual acts, farting, lesbianism, Hercules movies, homosexuality, and farting Hercules before they die. The comedic height of the film is when a character chooses to become a lesbian. We're seriously supposed to laugh at this. Most of the rest of the film consists of padding. Dave Fife walks back and forth along a beach and has to put up with the obnoxiously unfunny and uninteresting characters of Brice Kennedy and his girlfriend while being accused of homosexuality by Ken Van Sant. Harder to sit through, however, are the drawn out sequences featuring poorly edited teenage girls dancing to a garage band playing an extremely repetitive song. Don't watch this movie unless you are determined to see the entire filmography of John Polonia or Dave Fife. Despite this, the bonus film on the disc, Hallucinations, is the best Polonia Brothers film I have ever seen. It was made when the two were teenagers and still gave a crap.

Ancient predatory sea monsters terrorize party hearty kids attending a musical festival at Sea Bright Beach. Directors John and Mark Polonia relate the enjoyably inane story at a steady pace, do a solid job of creating and maintaining an amiable tongue-in-cheek tone throughout, and deliver a generous amount of juicy splatter. The cast have a ball with their goofy roles: the ever-adorable Erin Brown as gloomy local doomsayer Tess Harper, the gorgeous Erika Smith as rowdy and spunky hot babe Tonya Smith, Kevin Van Sant as obnoxious musclehead weightlifter Duke, David Fife as nerdy aspiring journalist Rupert Pine, and Brice Kennedy as scruffy hipster Rodney Spinner. The seaweed covered beast (Marty Manglaze in a nifty rubber suit) looks pretty gnarly. Moreover, the standard rules of horror are staunchly adhered to with young folks who smoke pot and make out meeting untimely grisly ends. Better still, we also get several nice musical numbers complete with bikini-clad dancing honeys and a right-on cool soundtrack of funky surf-rock tunes (the insanely catchy'n'groovy theme song in particular seriously smokes). Brett Piper's crisp cinematography boasts lots of neat green-tinted monster POV shots. As a yummy extra plus, the delicious Ms. Smith bares her breasts while doing just what you think with her boyfriend and busty brunette Leslie Culton gets attacked while taking a shower. An immensely fun flick.

I'm a fan of dodgy low budget horror films (eg Plankton, Galaxy of Terror, Slugs) - but this film was beyond dodgy. It was Trash! I was hoping for a modern day Humanoids From the Deep - alas this film did not even come close. The gore effects are okay - if very amateur and underdone - but the production values are atrocious! Including a super-imposed beach party! What idiocy is this. They didn't even have a budget for a beach party - wouldn't it have been cheaper than blue-screen effects? Even bad ones? Needless to say the acting, plot and characters are awful. Even the lame sex scene from the very hot Erika Smith cannot save the film. Do not see this film - I am not kidding.