The Fastest Guitar Alive (1967)

Best movie of this year hands down!

You won't be disappointed!

Did you people see the same film I saw?

A brilliant film that helped define a genre

As both horse operas and American Civil War movies go, seasoned second-unit director Michael D. Moore's "Fastest Guitar Alive" qualifies as egregiously abominable. This execrable, 87-minute, Sam Katzman produced, comic oater casts vocalist Roy Orbison and Sammy Jackson respectively as Confederate spies Johnny Banner and Steve Menlo. Neither one of them has a Southern accent. They masquerade as two slippery snake oil salesmen and rely on the guise of Dr. Ludwig Long's Magic Elixir traveling medicine show to cover their duplicity. At the same time, two cute gals named the Chestnuts sisters, Sue (Joan Freeman of "Roustabout") and Flo (Maggie Pierce of "Cattle King"), accompany them and perform with Johnny in their song and dance routine. This ruse is reminiscent of undercover Southerner spies Van Johnson and Milburn Stone in "Siege of Red River" (1954) who trundled around inconspicuously in a wagon selling patent medicine as a part of their subterfuge. They sang a song to alert their fellows spies about their presence. Basically, our harmless heroes are acting on orders from Confederate General Wingate to rob the San Francisco Mint. They steal a strongbox stuffed with $150-thousand dollars in gold at gunpoint after Johnny blasts a hole in the wall of the Mint. Nobody dies during the hold-up. Steve explains to the girls traveling with them that they stole the gold because the Confederacy has gone bankrupt. "Quiet Gun" scenarist Robert J. Kent has penned a lackluster plot reminiscent of the superior Errol Flynn & Randolph Scott western "Virginia City" (1940) where the Confederates were under orders to take silver from the Comstock Load and usher it south.Meantime, Banner packs the title gimmick, a mean guitar that conceals a secret rifle, and he wields it with splendid accuracy. This exotic gadget anticipated the Lee Van Cleef Spaghetti western where William Berger toted a banjo that hid a repeating rifle. Orbison's character pulls this unusual weapon on a inquisitive deputy on the prowl, Rink (Ben Cooper of "Johnny Guitar"), who sneaks into their camp and tries to molest one of the Chestnut sisters. "In case you're interested," Banner warns the obnoxious Rink after he shoots Rink's black hat off the top of his head, "I can kill you with this and play your funeral march at the same time." Meanwhile, suspicious Marshal Max Cooper (John Doucette of "Sons of Katie Elder") saddles up to leave the city by the bay to pursue Johnny and Steve. Their contact man in San Francisco, Charlie (Lyle Bettger of "The Lone Ranger"), who operates a saloon, hits the trail to track them down not long after they hightail it with the gold. Repeatedly, our heroes encounter an Indian war party, but Johnny scares them off with his blazing guitar. Principally, he shoot an Indian chief spear in two and later the chief's ordinary guitar. Incidentally, these Native Americans are far from deadly. They pose no threat to our heroes or heroines. Eventually, when our heroes roll into the town of Prescott, Arizona, they discover that the South has surrendered. The owner of a local saloon the Palace Grand, Stella Witt (Patricia Donahue) persuades Johnny and the Chestnut sisters to perform, and then we learn that she is in cahoots with treacherous Charlie. As it turns out, our heroes decide to return the gold to Fort Marshal now that they know the civil is over. The Indians that chased them in the first half of this sagebrusher show up near the end to distract the people after them. Before they hit the trail to give up the gold, Marshal Cooper agrees to give them safe escort to the fort.Legendary warbler Roy Orbison cannot act worth a hoot, but he can carry a tune. He sings several colorful songs, but he isn't the least bit convincing as a Southern spy. Of course, Orbison doesn't get much help from a shallow script that exploits the American Civil War for background. Kent's script doesn't develop the characters beyond their initial aims and their apparel. This lame western is nowhere near as enjoyable as Kent's earlier epic "The Quiet Gun" with Forrest Tucker. Just when things are getting interesting, this half-baked western concludes abruptly. Closure is decidedly lacking as our heroes never turn over the gold. Of course, we know that they will, but it's like Katzman quit while he was ahead. Director Michael Moore did his best work as a second unit helmer on hits like "Patton." Orbison never made another movie after this critical and commercial disaster. Reportedly, Elvis turned down this oater. The no frills Warner Archive Collection, made-on-demand, DVD contains only the movie. Production values are a notch above average, but this is strictly a lightweight western without a single killing in it and some veteran 1950s' western villains. Only die-hard Orbison fans need watch this curiosity piece.

Singing guitar-slinger Roy Orbison (as Johnny Banner) and hunky sidekick Sammy Jackson (as Steve Menlo) battle more Indians than Union soldiers as they work "undercover" for President Jefferson Davis and the Confederacy. When the Civil War ends, a booty of gold they stole from the USA for the CSA makes Mr. Orbison and his pal WANTED men. They are also desired, but for kissing instead of killing, by pretty sisters Maggie Pierce and Joan Freeman (as Flo and Sue Chestnut).Producer Sam Katzman, who did "Kissin' Cousins" (1964) and "Harum Scarum" (1965) with Elvis, probably wanted Presley for this picture. After Colonel Parker declined, it might have been offered to Ricky Nelson. Father Ozzie would never agree to a film without complete production control, so that wouldn't have gone anywhere. So, what about Roy Orbison? He had the same sort of record success, and was owed a shot at movie stardom as part of his manager's deal with MGM's record subsidiary.Orbison received millions from the package, which moved him from Monument to MGM records. The deal turned out to be a disaster, which is reflected in this film. Even the hit records stopped. The best "The Fastest Guitar Alive" song showing was "Pistolero" appearing on the B-side of a minor "Top 100" hit - which turned out to be the last Orbison appearance on the record charts until the 1980s. To make matters worse, Orbison had to deal with some personal tragedies. Roy was better than this.** The Fastest Guitar Alive (9/1/67) Michael D. Moore ~ Roy Orbison, Sammy Jackson, Joan Freeman, Maggie Pierce

Yes, the movie "The Fastest Guitar Alive" was terrible and Roy Orbison was not an actor. But just like anything else, you must practice to be good at whatever you choose to do. Elvis at first, was not good, but he got better, but then the roles got worse.Roy should have studied first before going before the camera.Granted, he would not have been a matinée idol, but who knows what could have happened if he would have continued with acting.Most big name actors started out in bad movies and acted badly, but as time went on, they learned their craft and some went on to win Oscars.One of the first roles that Clint Eastwood had was a lab assistant in "The Revenge Of The Creature", and you know what happened in his career.One of the biggest problems with "The Fastest Guitar Alive" is that it should not have been trying to be a musical.It just didn't work and the movie seemed to have too many things going on. But don't blame the actors for a bad script, they just made the mistake of being in the movie.And don't be too hard on Roy. He was new to movie making and didn't have anyone to guide him. He gave it a shot and we have to give him credit for that.

Hi, Everyone, Roy Orbison appears to be a nice guy in this movie. So does Sammy Jackson. The script is there, but it is not great. There is a nice plot line that could have been developed in a serious way. Political correctness got in the way and Roy and Sammy seem to be too worried about seeing to it the money in question here gets to almost anyone but themselves.Sammy started his career as a model during the heydey of the Athletic Model Guild and then became an actor in the TV series, No Time For Sargeants. He was also in Night of the Grizzly which is a pretty bad movie.Roy might have done a good job if they had the right script for him. His songs are OK and well arranged. Iron Eyes Cody gets a few laughs along with Ben Lessy. Ben Cooper was a big star in the mid 1950s and here he does an excellent job being a bad guy.Watch for Sam The Sham. He had the big hit in 1965 of "Wooly Bully." I would like to recommend something similar in case you like this. I cannot think of anything similar. A funnier Western would be Blazing Saddles.Tom Willett