Savage Beach (1989)

Fresh and Exciting

best movie i've ever seen.

It's a feast for the eyes. But what really makes this dramedy work is the acting.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Savage Beach is hardly a great departure for director Andy Sidaris, yet another cheezy adventure featuring his stock-in-trade heavily armed, big breasted babes, heroic hunks and despicable bad guys; but although it's still a long way from a work of art, this is perhaps the most enjoyable out of the Sidaris films I've seen so far thanks to a story-line in which a more straightforward adventure takes precedence over the series' usual convoluted espionage nonsense.The plot sees Taryn and Donna (Hope Marie Carlton and Dona Speir), Molokai's sexiest cargo pilot/drug enforcement agents, take a break from fighting desperate, evil, power-hungry villains to deliver some desperately needed medical supplies to a remote island hospital. On their way home from the drop, the girls run into a violent storm and wind up crashing on a supposedly uninhabited island where they do some naked swimming, construct a hut out of palm leaves, encounter an aged WWII Japanese soldier (sporting the world's worst old-age make-up), and somehow still wind up fighting desperate, evil, power-hungry villains who just happen to be on the island searching for a horde of gold.In addition to endless shots of the super-buff Carlton and Speir parading around in tight white vests, oh-so-short-shorts and cowboy boots (even when engaging in bouts of unconvincing combat), Savage Beach also offers several other well-endowed babes who are equally obliging when it comes to showing us their wares, a fair few squibtastic bullet hits, some fun kung fu fight scenes, the occasional spot of nookie, plus cult actor Al Leong who, as one of the main goons, shows why he rarely gets given speaking parts.I rate this trashy nonsense a reasonable 5.5 out of 10—my highest score yet for a Sidaris film—but it's still not good enough for me to warrant rounding it up to 6. Maybe next time, Andy... maybe next time.

Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are back! After busting some cocaine dealers (who smuggle their stock in pineapples), our busty federal agent duo find themselves delivering a medical serum to an island for Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane). Yes, another Abilene! Anyway, a storm causes the plane to mess up and they get way off course before landing on a deserted island. They get company quick though when a group shows up to locate some lost Japanese gold. And, of course, there is also some stranded Japanese World War II vet still living on the island. No sure why, but I enjoyed this much more than previous entry PICASSO TRIGGER (1988). Maybe because it was a bit more focused in the plot department, even though it is convoluted as hell. My mind was also reeling as this was my first "wait, who is this guy again" experience with director Andy Sidaris' roving band of players as Rodrigo Obregon is back for a third time as a new villain. Sidaris also capitalized on the Asian influence and cast James Lew and Al Leong is supporting roles. The end is the best with one of the funniest explanations/flashbacks from the Japanese warrior (who has terrible age make up). Naturally, the film is packed with nudity and Sidaris should get credit for what I believe is the world's most gratuitous airplane changing scene. Sadly, this marked the end of the road for Carlton in Sidaris-land and I'm genuinely sad to see the team of Donna and Taryn break up.

"Savage Beach" is probably one of Andy Sidaris' most technically accomplished films. He achieves some beautiful color contrasts and other cinematographic effects here (right from the opening scene, which has a samurai silhouetted against an orange sky). There is perhaps a bit too much exposition in the first half, but the movie really comes alive as soon as Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton set foot on the "deserted" island. They both look great in their tank tops and they are (expectedly) in tip-top physical shape. As another reviewer noted, watching them wander around the humid island and wave their guns is a pleasure in itself. And at the end, there is even a dramatic scene! Trivia note: 7 years before Pamela Anderson made the "Don't call me babe" line famous in "Barb Wire", Dona Speir had already said "Don't ever call me a bimbo again" to John Aprea in this film - and I, for one, agree with her! (**1/2)

A typical entry in the Sidaris filmography, Savage Beach features the usual assortment of well-endowed women, goofy villains, and exotic locations, and is simple minded if occasionally violent fun. The highlight of this one is Michael Mikasa's appearance as a World War II Japanese soldier stranded on a remote island--in order to age him, the makeup department seems to have submerged his head in a bowl of collodion. It's not a pretty sight.