Pirates of Treasure Island (2006)

Why so much hype?

Touches You

A lot of fun.

Fun premise, good actors, bad writing. This film seemed to have potential at the beginning but it quickly devolves into a trite action film. Ultimately it's very boring.

When I read that Pirates of Treasure Island was done by The Asylum, I did have a good idea how it was going to turn out. People may wonder what I was doing watching an Asylum film in the first place. Well, despite their notorious badness there is something compulsively watchable about them. Pirates of Treasure Island is not one of their worst, Titanic II, 2012: Doomsday, Alien Origin, 2010: Moby Dick, Transmorphers and Alien vs.Hunters are worse. And oddly enough, there are a couple of redeeming qualities. Of The Asylum's movies so far, when it comes to the camera work Pirates of Treasure Island for me is easily their most handsome and photogenic. Also Rhett Giles does have a very convincing accent, the only one of the cast who does.On the other hand, the film is still a massive failure. I wish I could say the same for the costumes and sets as I did the camera work, but I cannot. The sets were garish and very amateurish looking, while the costumes are reminiscent of either people dressing up for a fancy-dress party with no attempt to make things authentic whatsoever or of a cheap show aimed for pre-school children. I have seen worse effects before, but they managed to be poorly done here too especially with the bugs. Speaking of the bugs, okay I don't mind if they are included but I found it insulting that they were given next to nothing to do other than stare and hiss. So when they were aiming to be antagonistic, I certainly was not feeling any sense of threat or menace.The music and audio didn't do much for me either. The music to me was the opposite of rousing, it was plodding, adding little to no excitement, and too often overshadowed the dialogue and the line delivery. If you are looking for any excitement, don't look for it here, Pirates of Treasure Island doesn't have it. The swashbuckling elements have no thrills at all, it looks clumsy and only comes in skirmishes. The action sequences with the bugs are just as uninspired, again the bugs have nothing to do and the idea of having the bug explode in a fireball in mid-air was one of many unbelievable moments in Pirates of Treasure Island. Another disconcerting thing was one female pirate getting shot and next minute she is absolutely fine, almost as if what happened before didn't happen at all.From a written quality standpoint, I think that is Pirates of Treasure Island's biggest failing. Not in a while, since 2012: Doomsday perhaps, have I heard dialogue this horrendously stilted before, almost as if the writers had no idea at all what they were writing. Absolutely none of it rings true and the delivery of it is lacking in any kind of energy. Okay, before I get attacked for this I am aware it is a spoof. I like spoofs, as long as they are funny. Pirates of Treasure Island was not, the most inspired being the one about the udder pain none of the jokes work. The film is 75 minutes long. To me it actually felt longer. Mainly because everything felt so dull and sluggish considering how what makes this kind of genre.And I really disliked the story here. The idea was really great and had such potential, but what was done with it was frustratingly disappointing. It is so simplistic, that almost nothing of note happens, and then in scenes that could have been thrilling it is incomprehensible. The pay off was underwhelming and in all honesty confused the heck out of me, I had a feeling that it was going to end in a predictable fashion and when the film was over I was like "what?". Not only this, but I did find some parts of the film really difficult to believe. This was especially true of the woman masquerading as a man, not in a million years would she have been able to pass as a man successfully as it is made obvious far too soon that she isn't.If you are looking for characters to care for, again forget Pirates of Treasure Island. They felt too stock and are given nothing to do. The acting is a masterclass in how not to act, and the largely unconvincing accents are only a part of the problems. Nobody seems engaged with their characters in any way, Rhett Giles' accent is the best of the cast and he is decent but he is not great. I like Lance Henrikssen regardless of the quality of the movies he has been in of late, and for Silver he seemed like a good choice. Some have said that he was the best thing about the movie, but while he is not as terrible as the rest of the cast I found that he sleepwalked through his role, his line delivery especially was so lifeless. Tom Nagel is bland and over-earnest as Jim, I've seen worse but his performance doesn't leave much of an impression. While Rebekah Kochan is a good example of a woman who looks gorgeous but can't act her way out of a paper bag, when she becomes like the main character in the third act her acting felt very forced.Overall, could've been a good movie if any joy, effort or imagination was put into it. Not since perhaps M Night Shyamalan's The Happening have I seen a film with so much potential in terms of ideas fail so hard in the execution department. 2/10 Bethany Cox

The cover looked very nice, artistic. That was it. I'm sorry but I stopped watching this film after about 30 minutes. Scenes were long and drawn out, entirely shot on built stage sets. Acting was not bad, it is just that it didn't fit the film standards. I believe this acting style belongs in a theater...but in a high school theater. I've been acting my whole life, and now I am a film student, production, at University at Buffalo. I am 20 years old and I can say I do have some experience under my belt. Hell I was in a movie when I was 4, in Europe. It's called Psalm and it is actually on IMDb.com. Given this I can say this movie sucked. Actually sucked would be a compliment.I just recently read the forum posted by Leigh Scott. He thinks zombie flicks are the last on the intellectual scale of movies. He might had some degree in film criticism or what ever, but he can not make a movie. Does he really think that DEAD MEN WALKING is on par with Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD, or NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, or the new low budget masterpiece FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I'm sorry Leigh, but each one of these zombie movies has a social commentary, and it's more than just zombies. Have you ever thought of zombies as the terrorists. NO, think about it and you'll appreciate them more. And no, I am not a single punk male with nothing to do other than writing reviews.I simply take a moment of my life to write a review and save people some pain and misery. I'm sorry but I now a good movie when I see one, and yours are not.

This movie is simply bad. And not in an amusing way. I'm amazed how they thought they'd earn money on this? It's simply too crappy. In fact the costumes and overall quality of the movie is so low, that when we starting to watch this movie, I freaked out a little: I thought I'd mistakenly put on a porn flick. I'm sorry to say, but that's the only laugh we got out of this movie.If you watch porn movies for the story -- then this movie is for you.Don't waste your time on this one. I've already wasted too much.

My wife rented this along with Syriana. Guess which one is better. I'm a sucker for a good pirate movie, but this ain't it. Not by any stretch. Where to begin? Oh, the opening scene and dialog. That should have been the first clue. Maybe the second after learning Lance Henrikson was the only 'name' actor. Back to the dialog. Long John Silver and Co. are following their Captain through the jungle in order to stash their ill-gotten gain. Mr. Rogers would have sounded like a more menacing pirate captain than the stooge playing him. Mercifully, he was killed early. Good-bye to Pizzle Lips, as LJS called him. Look up the word 'pizzle'. I'm sorry, but my heart just isn't in a long review. This movie is not worth a 99 cent rental. Here's a quick and dirty: Dialog: Junior College Drama 101 level. Costumes: Ill-fitting, costume shop off the rack, not remotely accurate. Wigs: Standard wear in the 18th century, these were simply atrocious. Barbie and Ken have better hair. Accents: Capt. Smollet's raspy French accent made Pepe Le Pew's sound like Maurice Chevalier. Poor Lance tried, he even said 'Arrr' once. He must have needed a house payment to take this role. Sword-play: The Ginsu Knife demonstrator must have been the fencing instructor. Locations: Surprisingly, the exteriors were not too bad. The interior sets, about a D+. I think they even used stock footage of two, possibly three differently rigged ships for the long shots. I know a jib from a spanker and a spar from a boom. They messed up. I won't even get into the big bugs.