Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Sorry, this movie sucks

Simply Perfect

It's entirely possible that sending the audience out feeling lousy was intentional

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

You must know by now that "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is filled with humorous violence and gorgeous women.The violence doesn't feel cruel or personal. It's more of a device for telling a real story. The Playboy models in scanty outfits are a celebration of the human form, not pornography.My father and brother would watch this movie together. They knew the plot and lines well enough to recite them, along with the actors. The movie bled over into real life, and they would say the lines to each other when the moment felt right.As my father descended into terminal Alzheimer's disease, this film was his one last link with reality. Watching this film would bring him out of his stupor, and he would become verbal again.Now that Father is gone, the entire family watches this movie once a year,on Christmas Eve. We make eggnog, eat fruitcake, and wear sweaters. And cry some, too.

Hot babe government agents Donna Hamilton (luscious Dona Speir) and Taryn (adorable Hope Marie Carlton) work together to bring down Seth Romero (hammily essayed with snarly aplomb by Rodrigo Obregon), a vicious local drug kingpin who finances his nefarious operation by smuggling diamonds. Meanwhile, a large lethal snake gets loose and goes on a rampage. Writer/director Andy Sidaris makes sure that this deliciously cheesy junk delivers what it promises: oodles of tasty gratuitous female nudity, lush tropical locations, ineptly staged action set pieces (lots of stuff blows up real good during the climactic exciting raid of the bad guys' head quarters), a winningly campy sense of self-parodic humor (sample line: "Tomorrow we kick a** and take names"), a bouncy soundtrack, bumbling henchmen, and a nice smattering of bloody violence. Granted, Speir and Carlton aren't the most deft actresses on the planet, but they are both quite charming and, of course, look great in their birthday suits. The game cast have a ball with the goofy material: Ronn Moss as amiable klutzy hunk Rowdy Abilene, Harold Diamond as mighty macho man Jade, the delectable Cynthia Brimhall as classy restaurant hostess Edy Stark, Wolf Larson as dashing he-man J.J. Jackson, and ripped lady bodybuilder Lory Green as vicious torturer Rosie. Sidaris has a funny and sizable uncredited secondary part as Whitey the TV director. Howard Wexler's bright cinematography makes the most of the sunny Hawaiian scenery. Gary Stockdale's lively score does the rousing trick. A complete schlocky blast.

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is a movie that seems to have all the right ingredients, but somehow they never quite gel. There are beautiful, fit women in skimpy clothing or less, exotic locations, witty / corny dialogue ("If brains were bird crap, your cage would be clean"), killer frisbees (!), explosions, etc. But the pacing could have been snappier, the girls could have kicked more a$$ (the villainess-bodybuilder is definitely underused), and that snake is the fakest snake in the history of snakes! Still, Dona Speir handles her role with conviction and Hope Marie Carlton is just adorable. For all his flaws, Andy Sidaris remains one of the few American directors who love the girls-with-guns genre so much. (**1/2)

One of the hottest looking "actresses" ever. Lots of nudity, even when they have clothing on they are usually running around and wear very sexy outfits so it's still pretty cool. Despite the obvious appeal because of the babes, this movie is filled lots of action and is fun too watch. Not exactly on the level of Citizen Kane, but hey who cares, Orson Wells never looked this good!