Private School (1983)

Thanks for the memories!

A Disappointing Continuation

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

Fun premise, good actors, bad writing. This film seemed to have potential at the beginning but it quickly devolves into a trite action film. Ultimately it's very boring.

Friends and enemies come in the way of two high school students planning a romantic weekend to lose their virginity in this raunchy comedy from 'Pretty Poison' director Noel Black. The plot here is wafer thin and only really serves as a launching pad for a series of 'Animal House' style gags and pranks, however, these episodes are so amusing and memorable that it could hardly matter less how simple the overarching story is or how admittedly bland the two protagonists are. An uncredited Martin Mull carries the film's best sequence in a kooky turn as a fast-talking pharmacist who makes condom-buying a challenge, but the entire supporting cast is in top form - Ray Walston as a sly chauffeur and Fran Ryan as a stern headmistress (who gets caught in every shenanigan) in particular. Betsy Russell also does well playing the closest the film has to an antagonist and there is a hilarious sequence in which she is lured into a male dormitory room full of boys spying on her from every nook and cranny, something she remains oblivious to despite several boys almost showing their faces and often making noises! Not all of the humour works though; it is more pitiful than funny to see the three main male characters dress in drag to sneak into the girls' dormitory. The casting of Sylvia ('Lady Chatterly's Lover') Kristel as a mousy sex education teacher is something that must have sounded funnier on paper than it is in actuality. Generally speaking though, this is a pleasant and frequently funny ride with an ending that it is hard to forget and a catchy theme song.

Private School is one of those movies which, all these years later, you just know that everyone who had anything to do with making it is embarrassed to have been involved. Heck, I'm embarrassed and all I did was watch the stupid thing. It's a teen sex comedy about the students at two private schools, one for girls and one for boys. The plot revolves around the boys and their rather pathetic attempts to see the girls naked. Antics ensue. Desperately unfunny antics. Even in the most horrible comedy movies there's usually a good laugh or two sprinkled in somewhere. Not here. There is nothing funny in this movie. Nothing. The movie features a young Matthew Modine who was very fortunate to salvage a career after appearing in this turkey and Phoebe Cates, fresh off her Fast Times at Ridgemont High bikini brilliance. Ray Walston, who played Mr. Hand in Fast Times, also pops up. Oh, how I wish I had just watched Fast Times again instead of sitting through this debacle of a movie.Aside from Modine, Cates and Walston the cast is made up of a bunch of nobodies, most of whose acting is so terrible it is easy to see why they had no careers to speak of. The closest thing to a somebody besides the aforementioned trio is Betsy Russell. It is her character, Jordan, who's the bad girl determined to break up the sweet, innocent couple played by Modine and Cates. Jordan's seductive weapon of choice? Topless horseback riding. Subtle. If nothing else that provides a memorable fifteen seconds of film. Of course if the best thing you can say about a movie is that a girl takes her shirt off and rides around on a horse for fifteen seconds you know it must be a truly awful movie indeed. There's also the obligatory shower scene which at least gives us a few minutes of relief from the movie's hideous dialogue, terrible jokes and incredibly uninteresting plot. Very early on in the movie one of the characters goes off to get herself a bag full of horse excrement. Seriously. There's a statement about this movie's quality right there. How would I succinctly describe this movie? It's exactly what's in that bag.

This was one I enjoyed in High School (and College) to see some T&A. Phoebe Cates plays Christine Ramsey, Matthew Modine plays Jim. He loves Chris, and Chris loves him. Enter Jordan Lee Jensen, played by Betsy Russell. She has the hots for Jim so she tries to break them up. In the meantime, you have plenty of T&A as Bubba tries to score and ends up in the girls shower. Sure, the plot is thin, the humor is thin, but Betsy Russell is so HOT! Probably the best scene is Russell riding topless on a horse. Even clothed this woman begs the male eye to revel and take in every inch of her skin. It's not Fast Times at Ridgemont High (also starring Cates) or The Breakfast Club--but Private School for Girls got me through those years when I wanted to see a lot of T&A. It is finally on DVD (much to the chagrin of Phoebe Cates), fully restored and in letterbox format to make the shower scene all the more pleasurable. It was about time, considering that lame movies like Night Patrol, Night of the Living Dead II and the Party Animal being put on DVD. In any case, I am truly sorry, Phoebe. However, the fans demanded it and Universal finally responded.

In a genre that gave us many enjoyable films, Private School may well be the best of the bunch. There is something truly irresistible about a film that sets out only to entertain its audience. There is no hidden agenda or deeper meaning or political motives here. The people who created this gem intended only to make us smile and show us some skin and make a little money in the process. Some days, isn't that all a guy really needs? It's about time this one came out on DVD! The film deals with the social interactions between girls from Cherryvale and the young men from the nearby Freemount Academy. Of course when I say "social interaction" I mean sex. Simply put, the guys are trying to either score with the ladies, or at least get a good Polaroid of them coming out of the shower. The film has a serious undercurrent in how it deals with the relationship between Christine Ramsey (Phoebe Cates) and Jim Green (Matthew Modine). They are trying to lose their virginity under the best possible circumstances, but there are of course complications and misunderstandings. Christine's next door neighbor, the lovely and talented Betsy Russell, is out to steal Jim for herself using methods that would certainly grab any young man's attention. The resulting action plays out in the most satisfactory of ways.Private School scores on many fronts. The cast which contains many recognizable faces puts as much into their roles as they've done in any other films. The soundtrack featuring Phoebe Cates singing on two different tracks is much better than you would expect, as well. There is tons of random nudity so you will get your money worth in that department.Curiously enough, there is no DVD commentary by any of the actors in this film. Wouldn't it be fun to hear what Matthew Modine would think today about this early role in his distinguished career? And Martin Mull may have been hiding behind a beard for his little three minute cameo, but the appearance was well-appreciated! He must have snuck this little bit part in between takes of Mr. Mom that year.For those who may question the logic of the Hound giving all ten stars to this film: Heck, that scene with Betsy Russell topless on the horse was worth eight stars by itself!!! 10 of 10 stars.The Hound.