Simon Sez (1999)

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

it is finally so absorbing because it plays like a lyrical road odyssey that’s also a detective story.

This is a coming of age storyline that you've seen in one form or another for decades. It takes a truly unique voice to make yet another one worth watching.

This movie tries so hard to be funny, yet it falls flat every time. Just another example of recycled ideas repackaged with women in an attempt to appeal to a certain audience.

Simon Sez is one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. Its another one of those monstrosities that you have to force yourself to watch only so you can brag to your friends about how you were able to "watch the whole thing", and to see their shocked expressions after you say that. Other than that, there is no reason to force yourself through the consistent ineptness of this poor excuse for an action adventure.First off... It stars Dennis Rodman. That alone should be enough to turn most people away, but because I'm Mr. "Open To All Movies", I put in the video and watched it anyway.Since my brain has an automated trash filter and defragger (I still run on NTFS), I only remember small pieces of the film. One scene that stood out, and shouted to me like an old woman with a bad hip, was the scene where master martial artist Xin Xin Xiong and some woman (I forgot her name) were engaging in a tightly choreographed fight. But because Rodman was the "star" and didn't want to be upstaged up by his "co-stars", a way had to be found to bring him into this action. But Rodman can't fight. So their solution was to just have Rodman stomp into the scene like Frankenstein and claw, pounce, and push his way through the fight. And this didn't just happen once. It happened many times...Before I start cursing I'll just end my review here.Don't see this movie. Spare yourself the pain.

Yes, I agree, really, really bad.Do not be fooled, action film fans; the acting, the writing, the direction - really, really bad. Confusing. Dull. Even funny if it weren't so down-right... dull.That same year, Rodman made another action film as second "lead" to Jean Claude Van Damme. Fortunately, despite Rodman, Van Damme did most of the work and Rodman didn't do much but rent his name to the producers. That film was occasionally watchable.But here, Rodman actually pretends to be a movie star. Why? I dunno - the haircut I guess.Why does Hollywood toss money away on this sort of crap? Well, people buy it, I guess.Fortunately, I didn't; it was getting tossed out at a video store a bock down from where I live."Gee, if you're tossing it away, can I have it?" "Why? - it's just really bad!" Yeah, well, I had to find that out myself.You don't; trust me - it's really bad.

(r#40)TV 3, a "quality" TV channel here in Sweden, recently decided to have a bottom 100-marathon and showed BOTH Gigli and this turkey during the same night. Now, I don't know any of TV3's producers personally, but it seems to me like they're torturing us rather than entertaining us. Simon Sez is a "comedy" so offensively stupid, it makes the Scary Movie series look like Bergman films. It seems to have been written by six year olds, for six year olds, but the foul language and violence would be too much for kids, so what was the target demographic, anyway? Oh right, idiots.Dennis Rodman, professional basketball player (which is always a good sign) stars as Simon, a secret agent of some kind. He takes part in a kidnapping gone wrong. I won't waste any more time explaining the plot because it couldn't have taken more than a few seconds to write it. Simon is accompanied on his mission by annoying white sidekick Nick Miranda (played by excruciatingly unfunny Dane Cook), who desperately wants to be Jim Carrey, and a sexy Emma Sjöberg.This is not a good movie. It's over-flooded by dumb action, hilariously retarded lines, and annoying characters. My favourite is the English/French/something villain Jérôme Pradon who wants to blow up the Eiffel Tower ("Why? Because it's big and it's beautiful and I'm tired of looking at it!"). Best line since "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn". Seriously.Even the special effects suck. Avoid! And TV3, how about a Coleman Francis marathon next Sunday?

Now how about basketball players who can't act? I know basketball players "can" act - I've seen such big movies like "Kazaam" and "Space Jam" and I think those are Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan at both of their best - when they are not playing, of course! (Sorry, but this may not be accurate.) Now, let us bring in Dennis Rodman. I know him as a player for the NBA!!!!! Yes, all three are very good no matter where they are - on the court, on the street, in the cinema - yes, basketball players can act! So add the three mentioned titles to your DVD collection and start a basketball players' collection today! "Simon Sez Watch 'Simon Sez!'"