Deadly Instincts (1997)

To me, this movie is perfection.

Blistering performances.

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

what a terribly boring film. I'm sorry but this is absolutely not deserving of best picture and will be forgotten quickly. Entertaining and engaging cinema? No. Nothing performances with flat faces and mistaking silence for subtlety.

A meteorite crashes on Earth and unleashes an alien beast (Clifton Lloyd Bryan in an obvious and unconvincing rubber suit) that wants to procreate its species with nubile young human women on a Boston, Massachusetts college campus. It's up to lecherous jerk art teacher Ashley (a drippy performance by the charisma-challenged Todd Jensen) to stop it. Writer/director Paul Matthews, who previously failed to deliver the goods with the lousy subterranean creature feature "Grim," doesn't do it once again with this celluloid stinkbomb: The overly talky script, sluggish pace, meandering narrative, complete dearth of tension and vitality, cruddy (less than) special effects, blah acting from an insipid cast, limply staged monster attack scenes, and an inert and unexciting climax all make this movie a heavy mind-numbing chore to endure. Worse yet, this drab flick crucially fails to realize the sleazy potential of its gloriously lurid premise: There's precious little in the way of either graphic gore or gratuitous female nudity. Only Samantha Janus' frequently erect nipples and the striking pulchritudinous presence of Kadamba Simmons as the mysterious space girl prevent this picture from being a total wash-out. A hopelessly tedious clunker.

College students (who are actually in their late 20's) on campus in Boston (which looks strangely like the Isle Of Man) are menaced by a fierce monster (assembled during a Blue Peter episode). The new teacher must save the day (Even though he is really... Oh, who cares?)I'll start with the positives... there is a nice shot of Eastenders new gal Samantha Janus's can in the obligatory campus shower scene with her best mate Katy Lawrence. A bit of side trivia: Katy was hired when she arrived at auditions with her sister, just as moral support to her sibling but ended up landing a part. Oh, joy. Picked from obscurity to... flash her pert buttocks in a meaningless scene added for titillation, then getting killed 30 minutes in for her troubles. Her latest (and only other credited role) is as Probationary Nurse #5 in Atonement. I wonder if she snuck a look at Keira Knightly (if extras and stars are allowed to mix) and wondered: where did it all go wrong?!I'll give a few hints Katy: If all the other British cast members are asked to speak with American accents in a doomed attempt at mass-marketing, and the only person who can manage it is the B-movie veteran USA native Todd Jensen, you know you're in trouble. If you look at your wage slip and it'll only just about cover your lunch and your bus ride home, you ain't starring in a movie with a trillion dollar budget. If the premiere is attended by loads of family members of the fourth assistant director and provokes gales of laughter when the Stickyback tape monster rampages through the sewers, it should dawn on you that this isn't exactly Alien. Or even a Critters IV, come to think of it. So Katy, in your next life (I'm a Buddhist, you see) perhaps you'll be a bit more selective in your choice of debut feature rather than impulsively jumping at the first pile of crap that heads your way. Flashing skin in your first movie does not guarantee long lasting success. Unless you're Sylvester Stallone. And he had the script to Rocky to back him up.To all intents and purposes this is as 0/10 a movie as I've ever seen. However, for sheer unintentional laughs and pure camp value, it gets a 1. Well done ;)

After a meteorite lands in "Boston" (really somewhere in the Isle of Man), a hideous, fanged alien monster is released and is on the loose in a local girl's school, causing mayhem and turning the students into zombie-like creatures. This film is apparently a loose (and I stress loose) remake of the 1986 film with the same name, as it features the same monster but a different plot. Both films are terrible, but to the credit of the 1986 version, it was watchable. This isn't. Let's start with all the problems—the acting, especially from the lead professor, was very, very bad. This film is supposed to take place in Boston (we know this because the film makers had the ingenious idea of putting "Boston police" or "Boston gas company" on everything), yet everyone seems to have rather muddled British accents (At least they didn't try using Boston accents, thank God). The script is a big flawed mess. The best example of how dumb the writing is when it's established that you can turn the zombie-students back into humans by removing a necklace containing a piece of the meteorite. Is that what our brave heroes do? No, they run around SHOOTING the zombie-students instead. Nice. Director Paul Matthews, who also wrote/directed the weak 1995 monster movie "Grim", clearly doesn't know how to pace his films. The movie is terribly boring in places. The lighting is awful. The film looks cheap and bland. One of the most disappointing aspects is the lack of notable gore. 99% of the death scenes involve the creature popping out of a dark corner and dragging someone away, while we hear they're "horrified" screams off in the distance. This convention never worked well in the past, and certainly doesn't work here. The visual effects were AWFUL. The CG opening sequence in space looked like it could have been created on Microsoft Slideshow for God's sake! The "explosion" of the Gas tanks at the end was just as awful. Okay, I like to consider myself a fair critic, so I'll give credit where credit's due--the creature effects were actually pretty cool. Gotta love those close-ups of slimy, drooling teeth!To sum the film up, "Breeders" is a terrible, cheaply made horror movie that should be avoided like the Ebola virus. Not recommended.1.5/10.

Hopelessly awful B-movie horror flick. Blatantly shot in the UK but featuring lame American accents, it's set in a girl's college (uh-oh) which, needless to say, means there's going to be at least one scene of naked nubiles in the shower - and, oops, there it went. And that's yer lot for the rest of the film, Mister Raincoat. To fill up the rest of the time, there's a rubber monster covered in squelchy goo that appears to want to coat the girlies in marzipan (at least, I _think_ it's marzipan); a not even comically inept but fortunately swiftly-massacred SWAT team; Oliver Tobias as a detective (his presence onscreen is always a sign that you've rented a Turkey) and a final scene in an oil refinery which, despite the efforts of an under-budgeted special effects team, is quite obviously not blowing up. Even the terminally bored/sexually frustrated are advised not to touch this waste of time with a ten-foot pole.The irony is, Samantha Janus is a fine comedienne. We can only assume that she did this for the exposure, cause that's what they gave her. Indecent at that.