Teenage Caveman (2002)

Waste of time

Very disappointing...

If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

if their story seems completely bonkers, almost like a feverish work of fiction, you ain't heard nothing yet.

To begin with, I was surprised to learn that controversial director Clark (of whose work I had previously only watched KIDS [1995] and ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE [1998]) had lended his services to a series of made-for-TV remakes of schlocky Grade-Z movies from the 1950s entitled “Creature Features”. Actually, not only was this the first of these revamps that I’ve watched but I haven’t checked out any of the originals either!; for the record, the first version of this one was made by none other than B-movie guru Roger Corman (though it’s not considered one of his better titles).Anyway, while the film displays Clark’s typical fixation with the promiscuous (and vapid) lifestyle of teenagers – though hardly to the graphic extent that he’s used to – it also serves up the expected sci-fi/apocalyptic trappings of the plot. In the future, the world – devastated by man-made nuclear warfare – has virtually reverted to a prehistoric era, with humans newly reduced to caveman status; the youngsters are forbidden knowledge of their ancestors (though they still retain the ability to speak and read, which is the basis of evolution in the first place!) and, disgusted by the attitude of their elders – a mix of religious fanaticism and hypocrisy – a small group of teenagers set out into desert. Eventually caught in a storm, they’re saved by another young couple but who seem more advanced (they even live in a hi-tech building amid the ruins of a big city and own a car!); at first, the former cave-dwellers find the liberty offered by the others intoxicating – cue a lengthy sequence (occupying practically the film’s entire mid-section!) detailing the former’s initiation by the latter into sexuality and drug abuse.However, two of the kids – the son of the raving and lecherous leader of the cavemen, and his intended ‘bride’ – mistrust the couple and isolate themselves for the night; the trouble is that the city-dwellers have some form of disease (a clear reference to AIDS) which ravages – indeed obliterates – the infected kids in extremely gory fashion and, apparently, in no time at all! Incidentally, the former (who are actually quite old but have retained a youthful appearance – in fact, when wounded, their scars heal instantly) seem to be able to metamorphose themselves into other people: for instance, when the heroine determines to see one of her companions (who is really dead but is told that she’s only been taken sick), the female host takes over the deceased girl’s semblance!; similarly, when the couple want to infect the hero, she presents herself to him as his girl (and seduces the boy into making love to her)! Actually, having by this time done some work on the virus, it doesn’t destroy the hero – rather, he acquires the same level of knowledge and brutish strength as his male host; however, the former caveman won’t join his ranks and the film culminates in a duel between the two (for which they take monstrous shape – a condition which had turned up intermittently throughout for the city-dweller but which he was previously able to control). At the end, the survivors return to the caves – but the hero has basically taken the role of a more benevolent version of his former host (complete with stupid coiffure)! The film is perhaps less interesting – certainly far less entertaining or titillating – than this synopsis might suggest; for one thing, most of the characters are obnoxious – especially the ‘superior’ young man – even if the girls do look good. Of course, I can’t compare this to the Corman flick – which had starred, of all people, Robert Vaughn! – but I’m sure that version, while definitely a cheesier prospect (after all, the characters there get to grips with prehistoric creatures!!), must be worthier to sit through in the long run…

We get it Larry. Anything else? No? Goodnight everybody. Wait. Yes, it's just another Larry Clark movie, but this one has something new, bad effects. We can add that to the pretension, lazy and boring nudity, duh morals, and hordes of bad actors. Tiffany Limos, whose elevator probably gets caught on her breasts, is the latest bubble head. At least the girls in Larry's other movies were decent actors, but this one seems overwhelmed by it all. Boy, taking off your clothes for money must be mentally taxing. What upsets me about Larry is that he obviously just wants to make some exploitation movies with lots of naked woman, but he has to make everything so damn serious, this time it is aliens and what happens when you disobey your elders, and cast actors like Dickman, or whatever his name is, that are so annoying you want to beat their head against your television. At least Kids and Bully were grimy, although too much so, but you could stay awake until the next rape or murder, Teenage Caveman will have you bored to death long before any of the vacuous Kens and Barbies have sexploded.

OK yea so i guess when you get passed the exploding bodies, the pointless sex scenes, the lack of plot, and the constant discontinuity it's not bad. But since this movie involves all of the above, it is bad. It's definitely a movie that just doesn't seem to come together very well. I guess there are these kids that are in the future and that there is some disease that is passed through sex, and that somehow this disease causes people to explode. At the same time you got the two like leaders of the group trying to spread it so that they can transform all the kids into like super caveman. Confused? I thought so. This is a movie that leaves you wondering after you watch it "what the hell just happened?" and you try to put everything back together unsuccessfully until you just quit, and hope that you forget about this movie on all planes of existence.

This was the worst of the worst ever committed to celluloid -- I don't care if it was suppose to be a parody of B movies or not, it was such a horrible film. And please don't ask me why I sat through it...Maybe it was like a horrible accident on the highway and you can't help but slow down and take in as much as you can, no matter how gruesome. Andrew Keegan, what were you THINKING?! WERE you thinking?! What were any of these actors thinking? "It's a JOB." Yes, but have some dignity if you're going to pursue acting and utilize your intelligence to know when you're in a crappy film and when you're in an indie feature that will be enjoyed (if not remembered fondly) in years to come. I gave it a "1", but believe me when I say it wasn't worthy of even THAT.