Pocket Ninjas (1997)

Absolutely the worst movie.

Pretty good movie overall. First half was nothing special but it got better as it went along.

This story has more twists and turns than a second-rate soap opera.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

I have seen plenty of bad movies in my life, and while not the worst for me, Pocket Ninjas is quite frankly terrible. Here it has all the ingredients to make a bad movie bad, and just watching it even in a good mood is almost the equivalent of having a really bad migraine. The production values are hideous, with the costumes enough to make you want to gouge your eyes out and the cinematography haphazard and the sets horrible. I also detest the soundtrack, it is so bad it makes the Garbage Pail Kids Movie soundtrack sound good. The script is abysmal, while the plot is incoherent and confusing, the pacing uneven, the fights poorly choreographed and the direction non-existent. The acting is probably the most laughable asset of all, it is so hilariously bad, with every single actor and actress giving a career-killing performance. All in all, terrible and a waste of time. 1/10 Bethany Cox

Let's start with an irrelevant montage of karate training that consists entirely of fresh-air punches and kicks. The cover on the DVD bears no resemblance to the movie, which is much worse, but let's cut to a montage of the same karate training with crappy music. Plot? Ha! There's 3 annoying kids who who communicate entirely in sarcasm talking about a white-dragon character/crime fighter but it's difficult to know if he's real or not because we've just cut to a montage of fresh-air karate training again (really the same 3 kids just wearing masks). Now Just when you think the plot gets going somewhere, there's another cut to the bad guy (presumably the bad guy, he's really a scrawny kid) with his henchmen dropping nun-chucks on their feet and weather he's real or not isn't entirely clear as we cut once again to the 3 main characters and another training montage that is entirely identical to all the others before it. The music sounds like a theme to some crappy kids TV show and just makes you want to bury your fist through the TV speakers after hearing it for the 1000th time.And apart from a truly bizarre fight sequence in a carnival tent involving Robert Z'Dar and a lot of balloons, that really is the entire movie. But just to finish off, cut to a training montage of fresh-air punches and kicks. I gave up counting after the 6th repeat.

Sometimes I watch movies from the "Bottom 100" to laugh a little, but this "film", if it is actually allowed to call it this way, outclassed everything I have ever seen before. It is not funny like "plan 9" or "the claw" it is sad. It really hurts to see acting, that could be outclassed by every kindergarten theater group on this planet.The biggest problem of the movie is the "numbing-factor", your brain will be switched off by the movie and you will be stunned until the credits start.Even though the movie has a story, too stupid for any 1st-grader, it doesn't really follow these. The actors are just fooling around for 80 minutes. Trust me and do not watch this movie. If you did, demand refunds from the director. If you didn't pay to watch the movie, then sue him for solatium, for this is mental cruelty on tape.

The special appearances by Chuck Woolrey, William Hung and Fabio/Sammy Hagar/Roger Daltrey make this the summer hit for 2006 you don't want to miss! Suzanne Hennigar's turn as Jonathan Brandis's mom was hot...very hot...The PG rating tells you from the beginning that nothing is going to happen, but when you see her on screen, you want it to anyway. You spend the duration of the film also waiting for something to happen between Fabio and his young pupil, Tanya. Overall, a pretty good film. Some minor repetition of sequences and corny dialogue, but all-in-all, worth the $1. IMDb demands that we type in ten lines of text. Therefore, we'll dedicate the next six lines to sharing our top ten favorite moments in this epic ninja adventure. 10. Weird eye makeup on Damien outside the dojo. 9. Susanne's bondage scene. 8. Gameboy with no game. 7. "Mom. They took my Mom." 6. Willy Wonka-esquire balloon scene. 5. Running-up-the-wall kick in final scene. 4. Over-sized virtual reality helmet. 3. Fat, creepy girlfriend Amy at end of movie. 2. Sexual tension between Mario Lopez and Tanya. 1. Sexual tension between Gary Daniels and Suzanne Hennegar.