Miami Golem (1985)

hyped garbage

A brilliant film that helped define a genre

Story: It's very simple but honestly that is fine.

While it doesn't offer any answers, it both thrills and makes you think.

Ultra-cheesy, extra low budget science fiction offering from Italy which remains strangely enthralling despite the numerous pitfalls and cheap atmosphere which highlight the declining standards of cult cinema in Italy during the mid-to-late '80s. Whether it's the location filming in the Everglades to give the movie an added oomph, or David Warbeck's winning performance in the leading role of television reporter turned gun-toting hero, Miami GOLEM is a hoot to watch and even more entertaining than Warbeck's similarly cheesy monster flick of 1976, PANIC, as directed by Tonino Ricci. Here the director is Alberto De Martino, who displays little of the style he brought to such films as THE TEMPTER and HOLOCAUST 2000. In fact the film as a whole is lacking in technical skill, with the only highlight being the various action set-pieces which are handled with some degree of eptitude.The story jumps from one scene to the next with little rhyme or reason and the dialogue has to be heard to be believed - it's that cheesy and fake-sounding. What it all boils down to is Warbeck and his girlfriend Trotter fighting it out with the bad guys for possession of an alien embryo kept in a tank. The special effects of said alien are by Sergio Stivaletti, who gives it much the same kind of look as the demon child in DEMONS 2, which is to say it's fun in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way. Check out the hilarious powers of the alien, which uses telekinesis to throw its victims all over the shop! Other fun sci fi elements in the story include a ghostly haunting which is ripped straight out of GHOSTBUSTERS - except the floating "fright mask" isn't as scary here - and a dead rabbit which is dissolved by acid, which then proceeds to eat through the table ALIEN-style.Warbeck's encounter with extraterrestrials starts off well, with an imaginatively-done scene involving a crop circle appearing in the middle of the swamps. Unfortunately all we get for aliens are some flashing lights and Warbeck's double, which cut down on effects costs of course. The film offers plenty of action, including jet boat chases through the Everglades and a fight between Warbeck and his pistol and a helicopter! Lots of minor characters get shot in repeated scenes. Things culminate in the stand-off finale between Warbeck and the alien, which shows him using his wits to defeat it by using whatever makeshift weapon comes to hand - axes, electricity, his gun, you name it. It's a lot of fun and impossible to dislike, especially when they make clever use of strobe lighting effects.Remember the grand old days of the Italian exploitation film in the 1970s, which could boast a cast of a dozen Euro regulars? Sadly that's not the case here, and all we have is a small cast with three 'name' actors. The rest of the actors are the same kind of untalented bunch who turned up in the likes of ZOMBI 3 and other Bruno Mattei-directed films. Warbeck brings effortless charm to his part as the macho action hero and is as great as ever, whilst old-timer John Ireland barks orders but doesn't really do that much except stand around looking grim as the crime boss. The female love interest part is taken by Laura Trotter, sadly saddled with an appalling '80s mullet haircut (or is it a wig?) and looking a lot less attractive than the glamorous blonde of five years previously when she was in NIGHTMARE CITY. Sadly she strips off for a sex and shower scene, which is less than titillating.

Miami Golem aka Miami Horror is a saucy little mish mash of adventure. It's not horror, action or sci-fi; it's really a tacky combo of Hollywood elements &cliches sort of strung together logically. Stars David Warbeck and Laura Trotter put together solid performances. And the rest of the cast is up to task as well. At the end of his career, Albert DeMartino directs what is essentially a cornball script quite well. Some great photography of Miami is exploited by the filmmakers, in order to hammer home the concept that, this is indeed Miami. Which brings us to the issue of the other word in the title; golem/horror. Now, this little fella is ridiculously silly in appearance, yes. But so was Miami in the 80's and did I mention the script? Hilarious. As for the music, other reviewers have noted the obvious borrowing of Beverly Hills Cop motifs. But this happens only during the opening credits montage. The rest of the score works very well for helping to propel the corny script. Why the composer Detto Mariano so blatantly "borrowed" Axel's Theme is anybody's guess, but again, this is only during the very beginning of the freaking movie, so its not as big a deal as other reviewers have noted. Other musical passages are very dramatic and/or intense. Miami Golem is worth a look if you enjoyed such films as Devil Fish, Pod People or Puma Man. It is a charming little action movie that has ambitions which are reached for with endearing failure. Also I think it is interesting to note that Warbeck & Trotter each appeared in perhaps the 2 most special of all the Italian Horror films released in 1981, The Beyond & Nightmare City, respectively. In my mind these films represent the pinnacle of Italian Horror during the final part of its most amazing era. Although Miami Golem does not come near the level of visceral engagement those films create, it is nonetheless solid, this may almost be top notch entertainment.

~Spoiler~ That quote says it all. So I'm perusing the video store in search of any horror films that I have not seen. I mean ANY. So something strikes my eye: Miami Horror. Why did it strike my eye? Because it blatantly and unapologetically ripped off the Miami Vice logo. It was such a bad rip I had to pick it up. Guess who's on the cover? David Warbeck! As if I needed another reason to rent it, the director's name was Martin Herbert, an obvious pseudonym. So I know it's Italian and I know I have to see it. The first few minutes are a prelude to an awful cinematic experience. Miami Horror not only ripped off the Miami Vice logo, they ripped off the Beverly Hills Cop score, only very terribly. And the editor must have disappeared because there are two scenes (TWO!) that are shown back to back twice in a row. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If that's not enough, the acting is crap from everyone (even Warbeck), the story is completely random and boring, and the direction is amateurish at best. This is a long way from The Beyond for the late Mr. Warbeck. A shame too. There is a great scene where Warbeck takes out a helicopter with a pistol. I haven't seen something that awesome since Escape from the Bronx. And after all that, the Miami Horror turns out to be nothing more than the It's Alive baby. Avoid it. Don't be sucked in by the great cover art.

Unimpressive minor entry in the action/horror subcategory, take note that the "action" basically amounts to beat-to-hell old things which are already headed for a landfill being obliterated or set ablaze. As for the "horror" aspect...that would be a fetal baby with heavy mascara in a pickling jar(supposedly an alien of awesome destructive power). The blink of of nudity we're offered is of the leading lady, whose looks fall somewhere in the lesser end of average. In one especially hilarious and unbelievable drop-of-the-ball, there's a lengthy scene which twice-consecutively repeats itself for absolutely no reason at all. The most easily-detectable flub imaginable actually made it through the post-production stage of this floundering hunk-o'-junk, unless it happens to be a blooper specific to the particular video release I was subjected to...in any case, it's a mind-blowing gaffe.Another impotent selection from the late David Warbeck's woefully disconsonant filmography. He was a fine actor sadly choked in weak material, and his presence signifies the sole point of distinction in this irksome celebration of stupidity.3.5/10