Satan War (1979)

That was an excellent one.

Such a frustrating disappointment

Good films always raise compelling questions, whether the format is fiction or documentary fact.

It is encouraging that the film ends so strongly.Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a particularly memorable film

New couple moves into a house. Voice over of wife who sounds like Yoko Ono but isn't even Asian talking about how it was the worst day of their marriage.Lot's of John Carpenter-esque music and no action. Then finally some ooze on the stove.OMG I thought I was going out of my mind. The cross turns upside down and you realize you are in for a ride. It won't be a good ride. It won't hold your interest. It will be a ride to hell and back. And not in a good way.Aside from the black guy who is still getting roles today, not one of the actors ever worked again.Good reason. This movie must be one of the worst movies ever ever made. It looks like it was made by a hobbyist for ten cents.

I first heard about this true obscurity when it was mentioned in the book 'Shock! Horror!: Astounding Artwork from the Video Nasty Era'. This book was unashamedly all about celebrating the lurid and garish covers that adorned the horror videos unleashed on Britain in the late 70's and early 80's. It was not about documenting the films on their merit, it was all about the video covers. And perhaps the brilliantly titled Satan War is the ultimate example of this philosophy because this is one lousy film that had a very memorable video cover. Its artwork had a hilariously poor painting of Satan sporting a green toga. But as I say, the film…not so good.It's been made on a real shoestring that much is certain. The main bulk of the film is a riff on The Amityville Horror, which has a newly-wed couple moving into a new house. Right away, scary events begin to happen like a wall-mounted crucifix inverting itself at will, scary gunge and moving furniture. It's so amateurishly done that it becomes very tiresome indeed and to make matters worse it has a synthesizer score that is repeated relentlessly until you feel like your brain has taken a kicking. The central story is padded out to feature length by the inclusion of a couple of 'documentary' scenes that bookend the film. In the opening we have a Satanist ceremony, in the end sequence it's a voodoo ritual. These have the potential to be more interesting but also out-stay their welcome somewhat.This really is a tough movie to get through. It is very odd. But not in a good way.

Bill and Louise Foster move into the house of their dreams but it quickly becomes a nightmare (bwhahahaha!). Goop oozes out of cabinets and coffee pots, little earthquakes keep happening, things go bump in the night, kitchen chairs keep smacking Louise in the ass, and, worst of all, the Foster's cross keeps inverting itself over and over on their wall. "Must be the house settling," says brainiac Bill. Imagine THE AMITYVILLE HORROR filmed on a budget derived from soda can refunds and you will get this 60 minute horror film. Despite the short running time, this drags on for what seems like days and nothing remotely scary (or even unintentionally funny) happens. The dumb couple resolve stuff like green goo dripping from cabinets as "the problems you encounter with a new house." In the end, a psychic friend tells them to get out and they do when a person dressed in black wielding a knife shows up (it is never explained). To pad this out to feature length, the version I saw has an extra 15 minutes of a voodoo dance tacked onto the end. Directed by the amazingly named Bart La Rue, who sounds like he should be a friend of John Waters or Paul Bartel.

It took a long time for me to finally find this film and because of it's scarcity, I figured it was going to be terrible, and happily anticipated it to be as such. But instead I was treated to a dark brooding film in which every effort was put in with full sincerity. Sure, it lacks blood and gore but the best thing it does lack is humour. So many films have comedic relief and it really takes away from the films ultimate desired effect, that being to scare you or creep you out. Obviously this movie has its flaws though, or it would have a DVD release by now even in small quantities.The beginning has a narration of the typical monotonic man explaining that this film is based on true events, though names have been changed and facts have been greatly dramatized. When you get to the end, you'll be wondering what the real facts were if any at all. We're introduced to our main (and only) characters to the story; Louise and Bill Foster whom have just bought their first house after living in a tiny apartment up until they got married. The tale of poltergeists kick in straight away with a freshly hung cross being turned upside down by unseen forces, the coffee pot starts spewing some odd chunky ooze and then the kitchen vomits blue gunk from several unrelated areas. And what's a haunted house story without the sexual assault performed by the ghosts on the silent woman of the house. When they come across the apparently putrid blue gunk, they don't even question how it's coming out of the dishwasher AND the cupboard, instead they merely pitch it into buckets using only their hands. When finally the culprit (or demon as the hired clairvoyant would suggest) is shown, we're treated to a humanoid shape in a black cloak wielding a knife. Yes, it's that strange. Louise makes him go away by holding up her beloved cross and they take off like a bat out of a relatively warm place.So what made it enjoyable you ask? The use of straight suspense throughout is a theme not utilized very often, especially with new movies, and it's great to see terrorized characters despite the bad acting rather than be treated to overused 'funnymen' and teenage one-liners. The music is great synth stuff apparently created using only 6 keys and fits well into the scenes of possession. It does get repetitive though but hey, they heard something golden and stuck with it. The true moment of redemption for this film is the end. Now what I'm about to say isn't part of the movie, but a tacked-on short 'documentary' about voodoo and such. It lasts around 15 minutes and shows dancing voodoo experts conjuring up demons for Satan's army and the like while being narrated by the same expressionless man from the beginning. This was just too fun to ignore.So if you can, watch this movie but by all means, don't expect a gratuitous nude scene, an exploding head, or fast-paced action. Think Amityville Horror toned down.