Roller Blade (1986)

Good story, Not enough for a whole film

Expected more

There is, somehow, an interesting story here, as well as some good acting. There are also some good scenes

what a terribly boring film. I'm sorry but this is absolutely not deserving of best picture and will be forgotten quickly. Entertaining and engaging cinema? No. Nothing performances with flat faces and mistaking silence for subtlety.

I'm not much for reading into things, but - no joke - my VCR spit this out twice last night when I put it in. Turns out I'm dumb enough to fix the problem (stuck gate) and throw the video back in. The plot is roughly this - evil Dr. Saticoy wants a magic crystal held by The Holy Rollers (yes, roller skating nuns). The crystal has the power to heal the dead but he wants it to launch himself across a cavern to some weapons factory. Did I mention he has a mutant baby for a right hand? This is truly one of the worst films ever made. Words really can't describe how awful it is. The whole thing is dubbed (by people with heavy accents) and everyone talks as if in a Shakespeare play with lots of "Thee" and "Thou" being slung around. And, for whatever reason, in the bleak future everyone will be on roller skates. The film just drags and one can't help but wonder what kinda of drugs director Donald Jackson was on. Sadly, he tried to ply this trash as art and throws out, "If you don't like it, you don't get it" in interviews. Um, no. I actually remember liking his HELL CAME TO FROGTOWN.The end credits threaten ROLLER BLADE PART 2: HOLY THUNDER. Jackson never burdened the world with that specific follow-up, but did unleash SIX (!!!) more ROLLER BLADE themed films, including the amusingly titled ROLLERGATOR.

In the post-apocalyptic future, sadistic thugs run amok and a monstrous masked villain named Saticoy and his evil henchmen are responsible for all kinds of mayhem on their quest to find a magical amulet that will give them total control. Our saviors come in the form a slew of spiritual, scantily-clad young ladies who worship a "Have a Nice Day" happy face (!?) and skate around dusty desert locales righting wrongs as they try to beat the bad guy to his target. Suzanne Solari leads the pack as Sister Sharon Cross, a noble and courageous young woman, frequently seen in a thong, who takes orders from the mystical Mother Speed (Katina Garner). B movie queen Michelle Bauer, along with adult film actresses Susannah Britton (billed under real name) and Crystal Breeze (billed as "Lisa Marie") provide plenty of full nudity as "Bod Sisters." They skate around in skimpy rags (if anything at all), fight bad guys while topless and regenerate bodily damage by stripping down and hopping into a Fountain of Youth-like hot tub. Add to the mix ludicrous pseudo-philosophical dialogue, some of the cheapest production values known to civilized man (director/scripter/producer Donald G. Jackson supposedly financed this by maxing out credit cards!), awful special effects and acting, an idiot who begins most of his sentences with "Thee" or "Thou" and a lusty hand puppet monster and you have one of the most ridiculous movies ever conceived. This thing is NUTS!! And it was followed by at least two sequels; ROLLER BLADE WARRIORS: TAKEN BY FORCE (1988; which is also pretty hilarious) and THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN (1992; which I haven't seen yet, but sure would like to). If you're a fan of "so bad it's good" type movies, seek out this title. You won't regret it.

Some friends and I have watched many terrible films, but this is the absolute pinnacle of C-movie grandeur. It contains awful acting, a porn-quality soundtrack, poorly overdubbed speech (in some of which the actors forgot their exact words, so you can tell they're not speaking the same line), completely pointless nudity, and repetitive location work. All the characters speak a senseless mix of Olde and contemporary English, frequently misusing thous and thys. The special effects seem as if they were done on an old Apple II. And at the core of this shining gem is a story so fragmented, so spur-of-the-moment, that it hurts the head to see. There are plenty of phenomenal lines in this film, worthy of quotation when you want to get a laugh. All in all, I consider Roller Blade to be one of the best worst films I've ever seen.

I'm a big fan of B-Movies, but even the sight of Michelle Bauer naked and the novelty of rollerblading nuns 'skating the path of righteousness' is not enough to save this film.I have now seen the first three of the five "Rollerblade" films - why oh why I ask myself!!! This is not the worst (I kid you not) Rollerblade 7 (no. 3 in the saga) is a close contender for worst movie EVER made. But it is still terrible. Set in some kind of post apocalypse mad max world these mystic rollerblading nuns who worship the acidman face are the force of order - Honor bound to defeat all chaotic minions in this case the evil Dr. Satacoy, a leather faced rocket scientist with a pervy puppet for a hand. What gets me most is the mock Shakesperian language, often with a put on French (I think) accent. Mother Speed, the wheelchair bound leader of the rollerblade order likes saying "yea verily" and thus, thee and tresspass are stuck in quite a bit. Terrible dialogue, Bad acting, poor cinamatography, laughable special effects, non-sensical plot.... Who came up with this garbage?!