Life Blood (2009)

Best movie of this year hands down!

You won't be disappointed!

I don't have all the words right now but this film is a work of art.

Excellent adaptation.

LIFE BLOOD is a godawful movie. It's about lesbians without being titilating, it's about vampires without being scary, it's about crime without being suspenseful. The only redeeming thing about it is that it will make you feel good because you had nothing to do with the making of this stinker and none of it can be blamed on you. Two women involved in a crime are killed on the highway on New Year's Eve, in a very low-ticket Hollywood miracle God (in the person of an actress who otherwise plays a waitress later in this flick) brings them back to life on their promise to kill bad guys for her ... and also because they allow her to get to take indecent liberties with them! Next thing you know, they wake up forty years later ... as vampires - a small detail they have to discover for themselves rather awkwardly, and with the usual Hollywood vampire limitations of being helpless during daytime and so forth. In the course of pursuing their target bad guys they pause to kill a few more innocent people. Some how I think God - or a decent screenwriter - would have worked things out a bit differently. Sit through this and you'll appreciate well-written films so much more.

Two beautiful lesbian best friends are fleeing down a deserted road (one of them having murdered a Hollywood star) when God arrives (in the persona of another hot lesbian), does away with the murdering one and appoints the other one - the one who has been snivelling "I don't understand!" since the film started - to be an angel. After reconstituting the bad lesbian in response to requests from the good lesbian, God sets them off 40 years later, at which point they are now vampires, and the bad one kills lots of people and they end up holed up in a store in the desert with a tubby shop assistant while a midget deputy pursues them.I think you will agree from the synopsis that this dog's breakfast of a movie could never be anything other than utterly dreadful, and so it proves to be. The female leads - hotties both - remain resolutely clothed throughout, thus doing away with any conceivable reason for watching this twaddle.

This review contains spoilers.I saw ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for the first time late at night near Halloween time and it seemed impossible that it could ever be topped. After seeing LIFE BLOOD under the mid day sun it became obvious that I was wrong.LIFE BLOOD introduces to the universe the "Chicks Chasing Chickens" TV show. Speaking of poultry, what other horror movie would ever be so confident to play the "Turkey in the Straw" song? More eatin' bird? OK, add the MIGHTY DUCKS kid and have him act fairly straight, and mix in an on-duty midget cop who waddles like a penguin. What a movie!A mixed up (India) Indian family almost buys curry powder. Super sexy lead actresses kiss each other o'plenty. And last, there is a visit by the almighty creator who happens to be a lesbian.LIFE BLOOD contains a sensuality that ZOMBIE STRIPPERS never achieved.The only weakness I see here is that the almighty creator is far less hot looking than the other characters. Kim Kardasian or some other perfect .7 hip ratio female should have been cast here. Other than that, this movie is completely fun.

This "film" was made for people who were severely, nay - obsessively, disappointed that there wasn't more lesbianism on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I mean, why else would anyone make this half-hearted attempt at a movie? The plot, as divined from the back of the Burger King bag upon which it was scrawled, involves God (!) coming down to earth to select an earthly avenger. (Seems people didn't learn from that whole 40 day flood thing and she's cheesed off again.) God's plan for the chastisement of humanity? Simple - make a randomly selected lesbian into an unstoppable vampire killing machine and send her out to smite the wicked.Seriously.Yes, that's the best plan an omniscient, omnipresent and omni-benevolent Deity could come up with - a plot that would have been rejected by the pea-brained corporate cretins who run cable TV. And SHE created US? And the world and everything in it? AND She screws even *that* up, if you can believe it. When her chosen earthly avatar pleads for the life of her lover, who also happens to be a psychopathic killer, God takes pity and turns her, too, into an unstoppable vampire.Did I say 'omniscient?' Sorry. I meant 'dumb as a bag of hammers.' All that is just the set up for the ultimate battle between the scantily clad lesbians of good and evil. That makes it sound a lot more interesting than it is, since there wasn't nearly enough budget for an apocalyptic showdown. In fact, there was barely enough for a minor skirmish between the forces of nice and mean. The only upside to this apocalyptic train wreck is that the evil vampire lesbian gets to kill as annoying a bunch of bit players, extras and has-beens as has ever been assembled.Certainly not enough to build a movie around, nu? But that's the real secret of "Murder World." It isn't really a movie. "Murder World" is poorly made masturbation material for lonely vampire-obsessed comic book collecting fan-boys. Everyone else - feel free to avoid this sticky mess like you would one of the Ten Plagues of Egypt.