Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls (2008)

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

This is a small, humorous movie in some ways, but it has a huge heart. What a nice experience.

The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

Oddly enough for an hour and 38 minutes of nothing the movie went by fairly fast as I waited breathlessly for the next thing to not happen. Senseless murders, a great white hunter that can't shoot straight and a safari without rifles, porters, tents or supplies. However, I guess that is all you can expect when you move king Solomon's Mines into the mid 1960s and it looks like you didn't have the slightest idea of how to make a movie. The Allan Quartermain in this movie is a joke and an insult to all lovers of the Allan Quatermain stories. Dialogue is lacking and weak, special effects none and the only interesting thing was about two worth minutes of National Geographic style footage which in itself made no sense either. With no beginning, a middle section of bad acting with a confusing storyline and one of the poorest endings ever, I don't recommend anyone wasting time watching this. I was going to rate this flick a 3/10 but I don't believe it's even that good. Finally, and this might qualify as a spoiler but is it really a "Temple of Skulls" when there's only a 20 or so skulls in the temple to begin with?

There are so many problems with this movie that I cannot even begin to count them. The most glaring error is that the title is Allen Quatermain and the Temple of the Skulls, yet there is no temple and there was only one skull in the entire film. A strange staff that the chief holds out to a young boy for breaking a rule and leading outsiders to their camp is beheaded by the staff when it transforms into a claw, rips his head off, and magically all of the tissue vanishes to leave a crusted, reddish skull. No reference to, explanation of, or attempt to find the temple is ever made. The title has absolutely nothing to do with the (lack of) plot. Secondly, it is unclear when the movie is supposedly set as a motion detector is clearly visible in a hallway, the scarf/bandanna Lady Anna wears around her head to conceal her crown is leopard print, and women in the 19th century did not wear heavy makeup or trousers! "Lady" Anna is no lady. She dared to wear a knee-length white dress without a bustle or corset, fell down exposing her stockings, and does not conduct herself like a lady of refinement at all.The love/attraction between Allen Quatermain and Lady Anna is contrived and forced at best. They have no chemistry and their love at the end of the film makes no sense and does not follow logically from their treatment of and reaction to each other throughout the film. Also, Lady Anna's character wears thick, caked-on makeup which was not the fashion in the 19th century. Also, she nor the other characters ever sweat, have pit stains from the scorching hot African sun, and never get sunburned. White people being baked by the sun for hours have a tendency to burn. Lastly, instead of looking for the Temple of the Skulls, the real plot of the movie seems to be accidentally finding an African tribal queen who is in hiding or exiled or something (I don't think we ever really found out the story there) and restoring her to her reign. So, why not call the movie Allen Quatermain and the Lost Queen or something like that? The plot is non-existent and nonsensical. The writing is so bad, it makes me want to scream, pull my hair out, and cry. My inner English major is yelling at the writer (who also directed this pile of garbage).This horrible film is so horrible that a new term needs to be created to properly describe the atrocity this mess really is.Do not waste your time. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

Not just Allan Quatermain, but anyone who would watch this movie has to be out of their skull. This was such a terrible movie that I wanted to walk out of the theater and go home. The problem was I was already home, watching it on a DVD.There were so many things wrong with this movie that it would be impossible to list them all, but I'll give you a few examples.How about going off for a hiking expedition without taking any supplies, not even water or food. They didn't even carry canteens. All the bad guy, who was after them, had was a rifle and pistol and the clothes on his back - but no hat. I thought it got hot in Africa? No one was sweating. I know this because the leading lady's heavy eye makeup never ran.How can the bad guy take out two crew members of a moving train with two shots but never hit Quatermain even when Quatermain is standing still or is only a few yards away. This happens several times in the movie.And where did the earthquake come from? Just thrown in for good measure, was it? And when was the last time you explored a dark cavern without any lights? If Quartermain took the job to get the tuition money for his son and then gave it to his housekeeper to mail, what happened to the envelope when the housekeeper went on the trip with him.At least they didn't have any trouble finding the unknown land where King Solomon's mines were, as a wide dirt road had been created for them to follow. The bad guy had a truck, so why did Quatermain and his party have to walk on the road? Since his house is in the country, you would think he would have a vehicle too.I have watched many movies where the actors had to walk to get where they were going. I'm surprised that Quatermain's party ever got anywhere. I have never seen people move this slow. I walk faster inside my own house.And what was that terrible flying swarm? Bloodsucking locusts? Day flying bats? Enraged hummingbirds? Would have been nice to know.I could go on, but why? So I'll sum it up.No plot. No character development. No one with any acting ability. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give it a -3.

Woo-hoo! We've a real winner here, folks - nearly as exciting as a trip to the stapler factory! I DID like the handy-dandy skull extractor, though - a fine addition to any cannibal kitchen, and always the perfect house-warming gift! (I'm still somewhat confused as to how Whoopie Goldburg's character "Guinan" from "Star Trek The Next Generation" ended up in this mess, red-hat-and-all!) In all fairness, however, the "Despicable Villain" (Christopher Adamson) did make at least a half-hearted attempt at acting, and the music was really quite good! Also, according to the credits, it was filmed on location in South Africa, the actual setting for the original story, which I suppose deserves some recognition. ( P.S. - M'Bopa's sex re-assignment surgery was a stunning success for him/her! )